The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 3

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Myth #3: “If a new significant other makes me happy, it will make the kids happy too."

Despite how difficult the marriage or the divorce may have been, most divorced parents feel remarriage or a long-term relationship will be a part of their future.  Sometimes this happens sooner than later after the divorce is final. Family and friends may even encourage you to start dating and meeting new people. It appears to be a good idea and may even feel like the right thing to do. Yet for children, there can be some long-term effects to bringing a new person into your child's life too quickly.  

Research has indicated that children of divorce need approximately 3-5 years to heal and adjust to their new life.  But studies show that often men remarry within one year and women within three years after the divorce is final. When this occurs, a child has more life changes and hurt to balance. Following a divorce, children need their parents like never before. They need time to cope and adjust to their new lives. They need support and encouragement that things are going to be okay. They need protection and guidance from additional stressors. "Refraining from serious dating or relationships in the first year after separation gives children and parents the minimum adjustment period. If your breakup is extremely troubling to your child, you might consider waiting even longer" (Neuman, 359).

Even though parents may be excited about the possibility of finding new, affirming relationships, children do not usually share the same excitement.  Some parents even believe that whatever makes them happy will make their child happy too. It sounds good, but it is not true. Despite the age of your child, chances are your child will view your new friend as a replacement for the other parent. Such thoughts will usually trigger significant feelings of loyalty to other parent, anger towards the new friend, fear of the future, and sadness that their parent is moving on in life.

A child's perspective is often very different than what a parent's perspective is when it comes to dating.  Children tend to struggle with four specific areas when they find out their parent is starting to date or wants to introduce them to a new friend.

• When a parent announces they are dating a significant person, children often are faced with the shattered dream that their parents will not get back together. Many children hang on to the hope and dream of their parents' reconciliation even years after the divorce if final. But it is usually when the parent starts dating that the child is faced with the finality of their dreams.
• Often children feel closer to their parents after the trauma of a divorce.  Engaging in a new relationship takes time and energy. Children may lose some of the time they have been able to experience. They may also feel that you are more excited about spending time with your new friend or may even be jealous of the time and attention the new friend is receiving.
• There is a hurtful message children may assume when parents date: "I am not good enough to make my parent happy."  When parents seek companionship, children often feel rejected. After a divorce, the parent-child relationship commonly changes developing a new dynamic.  Even when the child understands the difference between the parent-child love and romantic love between two adults, it still is difficult to not feel good enough when parents start dating again.
• Lastly children struggle with the fear of future rejection. Children of divorce experience several losses. It is difficult enough to heal from the changes that have occurred. When another person becomes a part of their life, it is common for kids to fear the loss of that relationship too.  It is important for parents to be careful when and how they introduce significant others to their children. It is dangerous to introduce every person you may date because children may quickly get attached. Even though adults understand the difference in what constitutes a serious relationship, children are seldom able to understand this.

Now you are probably wondering how to find future happiness in a relationship when it can be so difficult for your child to accept.  There is hope if things are handled slowly and delicately.  Here are some guidelines to making dating after divorce a healthy experience for both you and your child.

1. The first thing that should be done long before you begin dating is to openly dialogue with your child that a time will come when you will starting dating again. Explain to your child that just like she enjoys making new friends and spending time with them, so do you.
2. Timing is everything. Be careful not to introduce your child too quickly to someone you are dating. It is common for children to not know who their parent is dating until the relationship gets more serious. When the time is right for your child to meet the significant other, remember they do not have the same feelings or attachment that you might have. Give them time to get to know the person like you have had time to do.
3. The where, when, and how is a very important thing to consider. When you decide it is time to introduce your child to your new friend, be sure your child is not tired or distracted (at the end of a busy day or after a soccer game). It is best to take place at a pleasant, neutral location. The first meeting should not take place at your home. The meeting should not exceed an hour and a half. For young children, 30-45 minutes is usually all they can handle. If the child is older, choose something age appropriate and centered around doing things they enjoy. It is best not to use family gatherings or special events (birthdays, recitals, etc.) as a first meeting place.
4. Remain sensitive towards your child's feelings when it comes to bringing a guest into the family home. Children need your friend to respect the boundaries of their time with you. It may produce stress and strain if your friend begins stopping by every day after work or spending long periods of time in your home. This can produce uncomfortable feelings of anxiety in children, but they may fear they will hurt or upset you so they will not say anything. Overall children desire for their parents to be happy, but this does not mean children do not have strong emotions or opinions about the changes that are taking place. By recognizing and acknowledging such feelings and thoughts of your child, he stands a greater chance of adjusting in a healthy way to these changes that are occurring in his life.

Neuman, M. Gary. Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastle Way.

The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 2

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Myth #2: “If my former spouse was a “BAD” parent, there won’t be any sense of loss for the kids.”

In families experiencing divorce, the term "bad" parent is often subjective. Usually there is so much hurt and anger between parents they tend to point fingers and bring to the surface the downfalls of each other.  For children, they do not need to be subjected to their parents disagreements and anger. However, children often feel the tension and see themselves caught in the middle.

Both consciously and unconsciously,  parents attempt to pull children closer to them by either becoming overly involved, over- indulging their children, or communicating  negatively about ex-spouse.  Sometimes parents even go as far to share too much information with their child. The boundary between adult information and child appropriateness can get blurry when a parent's anger and hostility towards the other parent takes over.  Some parents can expect their child to take on a surrogate spouse role. This is especially true when the parent feels abandoned or rejected by their ex-spouse. Such dynamics can  lead to emotionally unhealthy expectations placed on the children.

In working with children of divorce, one of the biggest stressors that children face is the feeling of being caught in the middle of their parents. It is very common for children of divorce to feel they need to choose one parent over the other. They struggle with which parent they should pledge their loyalty. By sharing too much information with children, parents are only hurting their children.  Such communication leads to children feeling confused, angry, and overwhelmed.

 Sometimes there already exist a strong middle ground between a parent and their children. If there is a parent who has spent more time with the children prior to the divorce, then children may have a stronger, closer relationship with that parent.  During the divorce, children may feel a closer tie to that parent because of that "middle ground" or connection that was already established prior to the divorce.

Children can be very perceptive. They recognize discrepancy between what one says and what they experience. Divorce is an adult problem between the parents, and children should not feel responsible for adult problems. When asked directly, parents will respond that they do not want their children to experience such feeling, yet the parents' behavior communicates otherwise.

Below are some important tips for parents of divorce to remember in order to help prevent children from being pulled in the middle of their parents' conflict.

• Avoid making negative comments about your ex-spouse to or around  your children.
• Remember most communication is nonverbal and children watch how you communicate about their mom/dad.
• Don't ask children to carry messages to ex-spouse.
• Don't argue or fight with ex-spouse in front of the children.
• Be careful about asking nosy questions when children return from visits.
• Respect your child's feelings towards their parent (positive or negative feelings) and do not attempt to tell them what they should feel.
• Respect your ex-spouse in front of your children!

The Many Myths of Divorce

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Unfortunately the word divorce has become common in the homes of many families.  Perhaps because of the rise in divorce, our society has become desensitized to the lasting effects of divorce on children. Often parents have preconceived ideas about how children cope with their parents' divorce.  I like to call these ideas myths. Over the next several weeks I plan to address some of these common myths that I have seen families of divorce struggle through.

Myth #1: "Divorce will not affect the kids"

Children of divorce face many losses as they go through the changes that come with divorce.  For many children,  divorce causes the same distress as the death of a loved one. They grieve the loss of their family as they knew it, as well as the change in their safety and security.  By the time many parents share with them about the divorce, the parents have accepted the reality of divorce. However for children of divorce they are for the first time faced with the initial feelings of shock and disbelief that their parents are divorcing.  After the initial feelings of shock, they usually experience numerous feelings ranging from feelings of denial that their family is actually changing to feelings of confusion of why their parents have made this decision. Fear, anxiety, blame, and sadness are some of the other feelings that children feel.  Children of divorce also deal with feelings of rejection and anger, especially towards their father.

Adults have been known to say "children are resilient" minimizing the distress divorce causes for children. During the initial stages of separation/divorce, it is important to acknowledge the feelings children are experiencing. Rather than attempting to change the feelings of children, it is best to listen and accept the feelings they are experiencing. As they grieve the loss of their family, they are faced with the reality that they do not have control over the decision of divorce.  When children feel it is safe to share their feelings with their parent(s) about the changes the divorce brings, then they have a greater chance of healthy healing from their losses.

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Communication and Empathy

by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW

Communication

Contact is the process of transmitting meaningful information through touch, emotions, nonverbal gestures, and positive energy. To do this we must know how to communicate.  To communicate effectively, there are several objectives to consider.  Surprisingly there are more non-verbal than verbal forms of communication.

• Eye contact
• Language
• Tone of Voice
• Body Language
• Facial Expressions
• Gestures

The GOAL to communication is MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING.

It is obvious that many of these cannot be accomplished when texting or e-mailing.  Talking on the phone at least allows for tone of voice.  Many times when communication is only through words, there can be a lot of miscommunication.  I’m certain each one of you can recall your own experience with reading an e-mail or text message the wrong way and perhaps ending up in tears over it.  I believe our youth are losing these skills and it is important for parents to model these non-verbal forms of communication and help their children to become aware the importance they play in communication.

Empathy

Once an individual can learn to become mindful, engage their five senses, label their feelings, and communicate then they hold all of the skills necessary to achieve empathy. 

Empathy is the feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity of another person’s experience.

The answer to violence lies within each one of us.

“Our bodies carry the potential for self-knowledge, self-healing, love and compassion.  By reawakening our perceptive skills of feeling, sensing and initiating, we allow the wisdom of the body to emerge, to guide, and inform us.”

“PEACE begins where we live, in our bodies.  By working sincerely and directly with our present bodily felt condition, we can begin to affect our life as well as the lives of others.  When we heal our self, we heal others.” Janice McDermott

References

1. Janice McDermott, M.Ed, MSW and Joan Stewart, MSW, Grand Ideas from Within, 2009.
2. Kimberly A. Schonert-Reichl and Molly Stewart Lawlor, “The Effects of a Mindfulness-Based Education Programs on Pre- and Early Adolescents’ Well-Being and Social and Emotional Competence”.
3. Aysha Schurman, “Ten Effective Communication Skills,” http://www.life123.com/relationships/communication/effective-communication/effective-communication-skills-3.shtml.
4. Elizabeth Scott, M.S., “Communicate: Improve Your Relationships with Effective Communication Skills,” December 10, 2010, http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/healthycomm.htm

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: The Five Senses and Feelings

by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW

Reining in the Senses

“Just as the body is made of food, the mind is made of the sense impressions it takes in.  And just as there is junk food, there are junk experiences and junk thoughts – attractively packaged, but most debilitating for the mind.  Training the senses means that we need to be discriminating about what shows we watch, what music we listen to, what kinds of books and magazines we read, what kind of conversation we listen to.  Every day the senses give the mind a ten-course dinner, and we can add to our energy, our health, and our vitality by not serving it junk thoughts.” Eknath Easwaran

Presence is when we are completely focused in our bodies.  To do this we must engage our 5 SENSES.  It is important that we teach our children about their five senses and assist in helping them become aware of their senses and use them on a daily basis.  This must be achieved before they are able to label their feelings.

Hearing

Smell

Taste

Sight

Touch             

How do you teach them to engage their five senses?  It is actually quite simple.  Here are some examples for each sense that you can do with your child.

Sight: Have them describe what they see when they are looking at a painting or photograph.

Hearing:  Listen to music together and ask them if they can tell what instrument is being played in the background.  Another example would be to go on a nature walk in silence and then discuss what sounds they heard.

Taste:  While eating meals, have them describe the different flavors and talk about which they prefer.

Smell:  Have them recall a smell that triggers a happy memory or perhaps a sad memory.

Touch:  Read a book that is a touch and feel book and have them describe in their own words what they feel.

Feelings

The most important thing to remember about feelings is that they are broken down into four groups – happy, mad, sad, and afraid.  The other is that there are different levels of feelings.  “Good” and “bad” are not feeling words so try to correct your child when they say, “I feel good” and remind them “good” is not a feeling word and perhaps they mean, “I feel happy”.  Here are some feeling words under each category to illustrate the different levels to describe feelings.

HAPPY                        MAD                           SAD                             AFRAID

Cheerful                      Annoyed                      Blue                             Tense

Delighted                    Irritated                       Defeated                      Nervous

Overjoyed                   Outraged                     Miserable                      Alarmed

Ecstatic                       Fuming                        Helpless                        Terrified

Encourage your child to use feeling words and then incorporate the five senses component by asking them, “Where do you feel happy?” or “Where do you feel angry?”

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Mindfulness

by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW

What is mindfulness?  Mindfulness is achieved when we are in a state of complete awareness in the present moment paired with the ability to observe our inner experience without judgment.

• Hindu mindfulness: 1500 BCE
• Daoist mindfulness: 6th c. BCE
• Buddhist mindfulness: 535 BCE
• Christian mindfulness: 530 CE
• Jewish mindfulness: 10th c. CE
• Gestalt Therapy: 1940’s
• Modern Clinical Psychology/Psychiatry: 1970s
• treatment of chronic pain, stress, depression, substance abuse, suicidal behavior, and   family therapy
• Jon Kabat-Zinn developed Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Center at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center: 1979

At this point, you may be thinking that this seems “religious” or too “weird”.  Let’s challenge these thoughts.

Myths: Mindfulness and Meditation

1. It is a religious activity and will conflict with my religious beliefs.
2. You have to sit in lotus position and say “Om”.
3. I’m too busy to be quiet.
4. It will put out the fire of my creativity and ambition.
5. It will surface upsetting information from my subconscious.

Studies on the Effects of Mindfulness

• Improves concentration
• Elevates perceptual acuity
• Decreases stress and anxiety
• Increases academic performance
• Cultivates creativity
• Enhances EMPATHY

So how exactly do you learn to achieve a state of mindfulness?  Learning how to breathe is the first step for many.

BREATHING EXERCISE

Objective: To calm one’s self through proper breathing

• Our muscles HOLD ACCUMULATED STRESS-INDUCED TENSION, the result of our daily environments.
• The FIRST STAGE OF STRESS the body responds with a PANIC, a “FIGHT OR FLIGHT” reaction.
• WITHOUT ENOUGH OXYGEN, we are breathless and our BRAINS OPERATE LESS EFFICIENTLY.  
• Shallow breathing patterns trigger the STRESS RESPONSE cycle (similar to a FEAR RESPONSE), within the sympathetic nervous system, which transmits more stress signals to the breathing mechanism.
• WITH TRAINING in breath awareness and special breathing techniques, we can begin to bring our breathing patterns out of our unconscious and into our conscious control.

Copyright 2009, Janice McDermott, M.Ed., LCSW & Joan Stewart, LCSW

EASY TO IMPLEMENT ANYWHERE ANYTIME

This breathing lesson was taken from Grand Ideas from Within which is a guided imagery program with pre-recorded CDs.  Other examples of guided imagery exercises can be found on Health Journeys website.

References

1. Ronald Alexander, Ph.D., “Four Myths about Mindfulness Meditation,” in The Wise Open Mind, December 2, 2009.
2. Shamash Alidina, posted  in Blog, “History of Mindfulness,” http://learnmindfulness.co.uk/history-of-mindfulness/.
3. Bodipaksa, “The top ten myths about meditation,” May 18, 2007, http://www.wildmind.org.
4. Tobin Hart, “Opening the Contemplative Mind in the Classroom,” Journal of Transformative Education Vol. 2 No. 1, January 2004.
5. Janice McDermott, M.Ed, MSW and Joan Stewart, MSW, Grand Ideas from Within, 2009.
6. Kimberly A. Schonert-Reichl and Molly Stewart Lawlor, “The Effects of a Mindfulness-Based Education Programs on Pre- and Early Adolescents’ Well-Being and Social and Emotional Competence”.

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Eye Opener

by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW

Imagine that you have a sixth and eighth grade son and you have made a commitment to be a chaperon for the middle school mission trip at your church.  The students will be performing concerts with song and dance to the homeless and other groups.  They will sing contemporary Christian songs not the traditional music you listened to in church.  You walk into the choir room for the first practice session and there are well over 200 sixth, seventh, and eighth grade boys and girls in one room.  This in and of itself is overwhelming and you begin to wonder what in the world have you gotten yourself into.  The students are on built in risers so they tower over you.  There is a hum of conversation and laughter along with a lot of movement.  The youth pastor addresses the group that it is time to begin.  Practice starts with prayer.

You begin to notice the students are having trouble settling down.  They seem to be distracted and you begin to observe that some are still texting, others are listening to their i-pods, and there is one boy who is actually playing a video game on his phone.  It occurs to you that these kids are having a hard time disconnecting from their outside world.  For the most part, the students were there because they wanted to be and they were “good kids”.  You have two children who are part of this group and had not noticed this behavior before, but now you realize how this age group is so disconnected.  You think to yourself something must be done!

This was actually my own personal experience.  My eyes were opened!  I began to realize this was not good and a bit scary.

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth

I-pods, cell phones, text messaging, e-mails, facebook, and video games keep us from connecting.  Our youth are so “plugged” into the world that they are disconnected from each other.  Now more than ever they need lessons on how to turn inward to calm the body – to disengage from their busy world and open their MINDS to unlimited possibilities through creativity and their imagination along with finding the PEACE that lies within them.

Communication is not just verbal.  It is also non-verbal including eye contact, tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and gestures.  Full communication cannot be achieved with text messaging and e-mail.  The ability to have Empathy is acquired through the process of communication.  Empathy is the feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity of another person’s experience.  Do you wonder if we are not creating a generation who will not have the ability to communicate effectively therefore the possibility of little or no empathy.

Where do we begin?  I believe the answer lies within “Heightened Awareness”.  I like to think of it as a pyramid effect similar to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  You have to start at the bottom to make your way to the top.

We shall climb this pyramid together over the next three weeks.