tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64420679547325451002024-03-21T11:19:25.234-05:00Upside Down TherapyUpside Down Therapy provides counseling and therapy services for children, teens, and parents in and around Jackson, MS.Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-28963769542304448912013-01-27T11:43:00.002-06:002013-01-27T11:43:31.606-06:00The Free Parenting Series<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Our new classes, The Free Parenting Series, start in March. Visit our <a href="http://www.upsidedowntherapy.com/" target="_blank">website </a>for more details.</span>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-43373483705397869692012-11-14T22:34:00.001-06:002012-11-14T22:34:40.757-06:00I can learn to be me?<br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>by Chris Shaw, MAMFT</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Lack of love fuels our search for identity. When humans feel valued, they seem to build
bonds with those who love them and emulate what they see and hear. However, if an adult is not secure with who
they are, they will have a difficult time when their child becomes like
them. Social learning theory teaches
that we learn by observation. Children
are apt to do as their role models do; parents are key role models. Parents and
children can easily find themselves in similar situations simultaneously. When we as adults are not valued in our
career or in our intimate relationships, how can we provide care and love for
our children? How do we identify
ourselves as “adults” now and not as the child that we used to be? I believe that it is important for us at each
successive stage of life, to revisit the question of who we are in light of our
experiences and redetermine which factors we choose to let describe us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Our identity is our choice. How we interpret the events in
our life matters. It is easy to recall
our stories and lose sight of the larger narrative that our lives play a part
in. Despite our best attempts to base
our value off of others' opinions, human lives do not need the approval of
others to have value. Our irremovable
image of God is the imprint of worth, despite our own perception of what we
consider to be “successes” or “failures.”
I believe that the life that we live is best lived within this
context. Maybe we have made mistakes and
we regret our choices. We can feel like
we are living under the constant weight of them. Yet these choices are
superseded by the love of God. Each of
us has certain co-dependent-like tendencies so that unless others love us, we
cannot be okay with ourselves. Yet when
we are able to experientially know that we are valued by God, we also begin to
build bonds with him and become like him.
The need for acceptance from others loses importance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A child will also desire to fit in and gain the acceptance
of their peers as well as their adult relationships. They want to know that they have value. Lest I communicate that human love has no
worth, it is important that both children and adults experience love from their
key caregivers in life. Despite your
best efforts to reassure them of their self-worth, children may still be
hesitant to believe parents since the draw to be acceptable to their peer has
immense importance to them. Children
need genuineness from us. They draw much
of their identity from caregivers, not only through verbal communication, but
also in the way we communicate to them by tone, and non-verbal cues. How do you show with your full self, that
your child is important? Unconditional
love speaks volumes. Communicating to them their value despite grades, their
behavior and your own life struggles, teaches them that negative statements of
peers have little meaning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If we teach our children that they need to be “fixed” in one
way or another, they will likely assume that they are inherently flawed. It is challenging to help children develop into
themselves rather than molding them into who we desire them to be, or who we
think they are. Take the time to care
about who your child is and who they are becoming. Instilling in them pride for effort,
regardless of outcome tells them that it is the heart which matters. This also shows them that their worth is not
based on appearance, achievement or number of friends; not that these things
are unimportant, but that they are secondary, not primary. Too often we miss the most important things
by focusing on the small things. It is
good for us as adults to remember this for ourselves as well. Keeping our own priorities in order models
for our children better than words can ever do.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-41399424223866308682012-10-25T21:51:00.001-05:002012-10-25T21:51:12.200-05:00"Mom, why don't others like me?"<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">by Chris Shaw, MAMFT</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The wounded child cries out this question as they look for
affirmation. It has a profound depth
that the child does not yet understand; for what human being exists who does
not want to be loved? I don't know why,
exactly, but knowing that we are loved gives us peace. It doesn't objectively change us, but it does
affirm for us that we matter and have value to the world around us. Maybe this objectively changes us: having an
internal sense of peace and believing that we are acceptable to others. Isn't that what children do when changing
hair color, adding a new wardrobe and becoming like a certain sub-culture. Are they seeking after that internal sense of
peace and security which tells them that they fit in or trying to find the
answer to their identity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Adults also often look for the answer to who they are. Maybe as a child they came to a sense of
self, but as they have grown up, they reflect upon their path in life, and
where they are today looks different than what they had imagined for
themselves. We wrestle between our
perceived identity and who we really are.
Two major stages identified by Erik Erikson occur from the ages of 12-18
and 35-55. In many households, these two
periods of life intersect with one another and provide challenges for both parents
and their children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In adolescence, the developing child is seeking to discover
who they are. Erickson postulated that the major challenge for adolescents
during this time was to discover their personhood or else remain in a continual
state of internal flux. When other
children do not accept a child, they can be left wondering how they will fit
in. They then tend to seek avenues to
make themselves acceptable. Can a parent
help their child see themselves as loved and can that be enough to overcome the
pull from peers? A significant
limitation on this is that at the same time, according to Erikson, parents are
often in their own struggle to find themselves.
Parents are still discovering what it means to be “in charge.” They are attempting to balance work, family
and friends. Career struggles, marital
problems and feelings of inadequacy as a parent can override helpfulness to
children. Many of us thought life would
get easier when we “grew up,” but instead, the difficulties outweigh ease.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Both of these seasons of life seem to deal with similar
issues yet with different circumstances.
Whether we can admit it or not, in we all need the sense of security and
peace which comes along with knowing who we are. Adults need to know they are loved regardless
of perceived successes or failures in life.
Children are in their early struggles to believe the same thing. We shame ourselves with who we should be
rather than resting in who we are.
During each successive stage of life we must continue to find ourselves
and rediscover who we are in light of who we want to be. In the next article we will look more
specifically at the ways in which we can both as adults and as children come to
experience this state of self-understanding and internal security.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-25827149684052904142012-09-10T22:06:00.004-05:002012-10-25T21:48:29.003-05:00It’s All in the Family: The Impact of Parental Health on Kids<br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Kids are like mirrors… they reflect the emotions of the
adults they live with. Take a moment to consider the implications of this
statement. If the emotional health of your children is so closely connected to
your own, it’s worth evaluating your own emotional health and exactly what you
are sending out to your child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you were to pause right now and think of three words to
describe your emotional state over the past 12 hours, what words would you use?
Do your words have happy undertones, like the words joyful, refreshed, relaxed,
inspired, and confident? Or have you chosen words like frustrated, anxious,
irritated, stressed, and discouraged, which reflect sadness, anger, or fear? Whichever
set of words you have chosen, chances are high that your child is experiencing
those same things!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Research in neurobiology (the workings of the brain) has
revealed that our brains are equipped with <b>mirror
neurons</b>. According to Daniel Siegel, author of <i>Parenting from the Inside Out</i>, “Mirror neurons may also link the perception
of emotional expressions to the creation of those states inside the observer.
In this way, when we perceive another’s emotions, automatically, unconsciously,
that state is created in us.” This means that when your children perceive
emotion in you, their brains automatically create the same emotion in them. This
is great when you’re feeling happy and relaxed. But it’s not so great if you’re
in a chronic state of stress or anxiety. Parents who are experiencing chronic
or acute stress, like job stress, financial/economic stress, and/or family
stress (including situations like a divorce or marital strain, the loss of a
loved one, the addition of a new family member, or even the behavioral problems
of a child) should be especially mindful that this stress is being picked up by
the mirror neurons in their children. It’s important to note, also, that such
stress and anxiety is being communicated even if you think you are hiding it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Stressful situations seem to be a fact of life. While you
may not be able to change the situation, you do have the power to change the
way you are internalizing it, and thereby the way it is affecting your
children. Keep yourself healthy and balanced by practicing self-care. Self-care
is an important, and often overlooked, part of parenting. Simply put, it means
taking care of yourself. Self-care is different for each person, but generally
speaking, it should include meeting your physical needs (like regularly eating
healthy meals and getting enough sleep) and managing your emotional needs by
doing things that help you release and relax. I like to think of self-care as
getting back to who you are, apart from the roles you play and the stresses
that claim your time. It can be tempting to put self-care on the back burner,
but remember the benefits that come with being balanced and having stress and
anxiety under control. Children can only be as healthy as the family that they
live in. Your own emotional health is an important piece of the puzzle!</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-51037029392681395622012-07-01T19:11:00.001-05:002012-07-01T19:11:54.971-05:00The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 4<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Emily Suggs, LPC</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><u>Myth #4: "A
stepfamily is basically the same as a nuclear family."</u></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Most children of divorce
will experience a stepfamily or " blended" family within the first
five years after their parent's divorce.</span><span style="background-color: white;">
</span><span style="background-color: white;">Even though the parent who is remarrying may be excited about the future
with their new spouse, children usually are not welcoming of their parent's
remarriage. They may fight against every effort you make to include your new
spouse into the family. For children of divorce, their parent's remarriage is shattering
the dreams of biological parents reuniting. </span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">It is important for parents to acknowledge
that stepfamilies are very different than the nuclear family they may have
experienced. Therefore the expectations and rules will need to look different.
It is as different as football is from baseball. Can you imagine if you used the
rules of football to play a game of baseball? Or vice versa? It just would not
make sense, and it would be pretty chaotic. Stepfamilies can be very chaotic
when operating under the impression that blending a stepfamily occurs quickly.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Stepfamilies need time to
adjust to all the new changes. There will be new rules, new expectations, new
responsibilities, new living conditions, new parenting styles, and many new
relationships (step siblings, step grandparents, step parents). Patricia Papernow in her book <i>Becoming a Stepfamily</i> shares that it
takes an average of seven years to blend stepfamilies together. On occasion,
when the children are young and the adults work at connecting the family, this
process of blending your stepfamily can occur as quick as 4 years. However, stepfamilies facing various conflict
and turmoil can take as long as 9 years to blend. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Most couples do not enter the marriage
believing it will take this long to build a healthy stepfamily. They usually
are looking for a "quick, painless blending process" says Ron Deal ,
author of <i>The Smart Step Family. </i> Deal compares blending stepfamilies to
cooking in a Crockpot. It takes "time" and "low heat (intentional
efforts)." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">One of the greatest challenges stepfamilies
face is the role of being a stepparent. Stepparents often expect their stepchildren
to respect them as a parent immediately. Yet children may resent their new
stepparent. In order for a stepparent to
build a healthy relationship with a stepchild it requires spending regular time one-on-one. This more
effectively addresses insider/outsider tensions and children’s losses as well
as loyal binds the child may feel . <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In Deal's book, <i>The ReMarriage Checkup, </i>he
reminds couples it is essential to be on the same page when it comes to stepparenting. The following are the three key guidelines he gives to
stepfamilies:</span></div>
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<ol>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Biological parents must pass authority to the
stepparent.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Biological
parents should build trust in the stepparents.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Stepparents
should move into the relationship and discipline gradually.</span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Even though children may
be resistant at first, a strong stepfamily can be very beneficial to children
over time. It can teach them that even though their parents' marriage did not
work out, there are second chances in life. The key is to keep the long-term
goals for the family in perspective by exercising patience, understanding, and
communication. The following are a few helpful resources for stepfamilies:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>The ReMarriage Checkup</i> by Ron Deal<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>The Smart StepFamily </i>by Ron Deal<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-36256312273153131552012-06-14T13:37:00.000-05:002012-06-14T13:37:10.492-05:00The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 3<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Emily Suggs, LPC</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><u style="font-weight: bold;">Myth #3: “If a new significant other makes me happy, it will make the
kids happy too</u>."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Despite how difficult the marriage or the divorce may have been, most
divorced parents feel remarriage or a long-term relationship will be a part of
their future. Sometimes this happens
sooner than later after the divorce is final. Family and friends may even
encourage you to start dating and meeting new people. It appears to be a good
idea and may even feel like the right thing to do. Yet for children, there can
be some long-term effects to bringing a new person into your child's life too
quickly. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Research has indicated that children of divorce need approximately 3-5
years to heal and adjust to their new life.
But studies show that often men remarry within one year and women within
three years after the divorce is final. When this occurs, a child has more life
changes and hurt to balance. Following a divorce, children need their parents
like never before. They need time to cope and adjust to their new lives. They
need support and encouragement that things are going to be okay. They need
protection and guidance from additional stressors. "Refraining from
serious dating or relationships in the first year after separation gives
children and parents the <i>minimum </i>adjustment
period. If your breakup is extremely troubling to your child, you might
consider waiting even longer" (Neuman<u>,</u> 359).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Even though parents may be excited about the possibility of finding
new, affirming relationships, children do not usually share the same
excitement. Some parents even believe
that whatever makes them happy will make their child happy too. It sounds good,
but it is not true. Despite the age of your child, chances are your child will
view your new friend as a replacement for the other parent. Such thoughts will
usually trigger significant feelings of loyalty to other parent, anger towards
the new friend, fear of the future, and sadness that their parent is moving on
in life. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A child's perspective is often very different than what a parent's
perspective is when it comes to dating.
Children tend to struggle with four specific areas when they find out
their parent is starting to date or wants to introduce them to a new friend.</span></span></div>
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</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">When a parent
announces they are dating a significant person, children often are faced with
the shattered dream that their parents will not get back together. Many
children hang on to the hope and dream of their parents' reconciliation even
years after the divorce if final. But it is usually when the parent starts
dating that the child is faced with the finality of their dreams.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Often children
feel closer to their parents after the trauma of a divorce.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Engaging in a new relationship takes time and
energy. Children may lose some of the time they have been able to experience.
They may also feel that you are more excited about spending time with your new
friend or may even be jealous of the time and attention the new friend is
receiving.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">There is a
hurtful message children may assume when parents date: "I am not good
enough to make my parent happy."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">When parents seek companionship, children often feel rejected. After a
divorce, the parent-child relationship commonly changes developing a new
dynamic.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Even when the child understands
the difference between the parent-child love and romantic love between two
adults, it still is difficult to not feel good enough when parents start dating
again.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Lastly children
struggle with the fear of future rejection. Children of divorce experience
several losses. It is difficult enough to heal from the changes that have
occurred. When another person becomes a part of their life, it is common for
kids to fear the loss of that relationship too.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">It is important for parents to be careful when and how they introduce
significant others to their children. It is dangerous to introduce every person
you may date because children may quickly get attached. Even though adults
understand the difference in what constitutes a serious relationship, children
are seldom able to understand this.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now you are probably wondering how to find future happiness in a
relationship when it can be so difficult for your child to accept. There is hope if things are handled slowly
and delicately. Here are some guidelines
to making dating after divorce a healthy experience for both you and your
child. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The first thing that should be done long before you begin dating is to
openly dialogue with your child that a time will come when you will starting
dating again. Explain to your child that just like she enjoys making new
friends and spending time with them, so do you.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Timing is everything. Be careful not to introduce your child too
quickly to someone you are dating. It is common for children to not know who
their parent is dating until the relationship gets more serious. When the time
is right for your child to meet the significant other, remember they do not
have the same feelings or attachment that you might have. Give them time to get
to know the person like you have had time to do.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The where, when, and how is a very important thing to consider. When
you decide it is time to introduce your child to your new friend, be sure your
child is not tired or distracted (at the end of a busy day or after a soccer
game). It is best to take place at a pleasant, neutral location. The first
meeting should not take place at your home. The meeting should not exceed an
hour and a half. For young children, 30-45 minutes is usually all they can
handle. If the child is older, choose something age appropriate and centered
around doing things they enjoy. It is best not to use family gatherings or
special events (birthdays, recitals, etc.) as a first meeting place.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Remain sensitive towards your child's feelings when it comes to
bringing a guest into the family home. Children need your friend to respect the
boundaries of their time with you. It may produce stress and strain if your
friend begins stopping by every day after work or spending long periods of time
in your home. This can produce uncomfortable feelings of anxiety in children,
but they may fear they will hurt or upset you so they will not say anything.
Overall children desire for their parents to be happy, but this does not mean
children do not have strong emotions or opinions about the changes that are
taking place. By recognizing and acknowledging such feelings and thoughts of
your child, he stands a greater chance of adjusting in a healthy way to these
changes that are occurring in his life.</span></li>
</ol>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>Neuman, M. Gary. <u>Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastle
Way</u>.</i></span></span></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-80409400947403680952012-05-30T21:04:00.001-05:002012-06-01T21:53:17.050-05:00The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 2<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; tab-stops: 1.25in; text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Emily Suggs, LPC</span></b></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></u></b></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; tab-stops: 1.25in; text-align: left;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Myth #2: </span>“If my former spouse was a “BAD” parent,
there won’t be any sense of loss for the kids.”</span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In families experiencing divorce,
the term "bad" parent is often subjective. Usually there is so much
hurt and anger between parents they tend to point fingers and bring to the
surface the downfalls of each other. For
children, they do not need to be subjected to their parents disagreements and
anger. However, children often feel the tension and see themselves caught in
the middle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; tab-stops: 1.25in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Both consciously and
unconsciously, parents attempt to pull
children closer to them by either becoming overly involved, over- indulging
their children, or communicating
negatively about ex-spouse. Sometimes parents even go as far to share too
much information with their child. The boundary between adult information and
child appropriateness can get blurry when a parent's anger and hostility
towards the other parent takes over. Some
parents can expect their child to take on a surrogate spouse role. This is
especially true when the parent feels abandoned or rejected by their ex-spouse.
Such dynamics can lead to emotionally
unhealthy expectations placed on the children. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; tab-stops: 1.25in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In working with children of
divorce, one of the biggest stressors that children face is the feeling of
being caught in the middle of their parents. It is very common for children of
divorce to feel they need to choose one parent over the other. They struggle
with which parent they should pledge their loyalty. By sharing too much
information with children, parents are only hurting their children. Such communication leads to children feeling
confused, angry, and overwhelmed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; tab-stops: 1.25in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> Sometimes there already exist a strong middle
ground between a parent and their children. If there is a parent who has spent more time with the children prior to the divorce, then children may have a
stronger, closer relationship with that parent.
During the divorce, children may feel a closer tie to that parent
because of that "middle ground" or connection that was already
established prior to the divorce. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; tab-stops: 1.25in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children can be very perceptive.
They recognize discrepancy between what one says and what they experience.
Divorce is an adult problem between the parents, and children should not feel
responsible for adult problems. When asked directly, parents will respond that
they do not want their children to experience such feeling, yet the parents'
behavior communicates otherwise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; tab-stops: 1.25in; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; tab-stops: 1.25in; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Below are some important tips for
parents of divorce to remember in order to help prevent children from being
pulled in the middle of their parents' conflict.</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Avoid making
negative comments about your ex-spouse to or around your children.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Remember
most communication is nonverbal and children watch how you communicate about
their mom/dad.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Don't ask
children to carry messages to ex-spouse.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Don't argue
or fight with ex-spouse in front of the children.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Be careful
about asking nosy questions when children return from visits.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Respect your
child's feelings towards their parent (positive or negative feelings) and do
not attempt to tell them what they should feel.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Respect your
ex-spouse in front of your children!</span></li>
</ul>
</div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-83734689688157381652012-05-15T15:50:00.000-05:002012-05-30T21:05:02.256-05:00The Many Myths of Divorce<b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Emily Suggs, LPC</b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Unfortunately the word divorce has become common in the
homes of many families.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Perhaps because
of the rise in divorce, our society has become desensitized to the lasting
effects of divorce on children. Often parents have preconceived ideas about how
children cope with their parents' divorce.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">
</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I like to call these ideas myths. Over the next several weeks I plan to
address some of these common myths that I have seen families of divorce
struggle through.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><u><b>Myth #1: "Divorce will not affect the kids"</b></u></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children of divorce face many losses as they go through the
changes that come with divorce. For many
children, divorce causes the same
distress as the death of a loved one. They grieve the loss of their family as
they knew it, as well as the change in their safety and security. By the time many parents share with them
about the divorce, the parents have accepted the reality of divorce. However
for children of divorce they are for the first time faced with the initial feelings
of shock and disbelief that their parents are divorcing. After the initial feelings of shock, they
usually experience numerous feelings ranging from feelings of denial that their
family is actually changing to feelings of confusion of why their parents have
made this decision. Fear, anxiety, blame, and sadness are some of the other
feelings that children feel. Children of
divorce also deal with feelings of rejection and anger, especially towards
their father. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Adults have been known to say "children are
resilient" minimizing the distress divorce causes for children. During the
initial stages of separation/divorce, it is important to acknowledge the
feelings children are experiencing. Rather than attempting to change the
feelings of children, it is best to listen and accept the feelings they are
experiencing. As they grieve the loss of their family, they are faced with the
reality that they do not have control over the decision of divorce. When children feel it is safe to share their
feelings with their parent(s) about the changes the divorce brings, then they
have a greater chance of healthy healing from their losses.</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-14463600654257481072012-04-23T05:10:00.001-05:002012-04-23T05:10:00.888-05:00Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Communication and Empathy<div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Communication</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Contact is the process of transmitting meaningful information through touch, emotions, nonverbal gestures, and positive energy. To do this we must know how to communicate.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To communicate effectively, there are several objectives to consider.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Surprisingly there are more non-verbal than verbal forms of communication.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Eye contact</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Language</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Tone of Voice</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Body Language</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Facial Expressions</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Gestures</span></span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The GOAL to communication is MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It is obvious that many of these cannot be accomplished when texting or e-mailing. Talking on the phone at least allows for tone of voice. Many times when communication is only through words, there can be a lot of miscommunication. I’m certain each one of you can recall your own experience with reading an e-mail or text message the wrong way and perhaps ending up in tears over it. I believe our youth are losing these skills and it is important for parents to model these non-verbal forms of communication and help their children to become aware the importance they play in communication.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Empathy<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Once an individual can learn to become mindful, engage their five senses, label their feelings, and communicate then they hold all of the skills necessary to achieve empathy. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-no-proof: yes;"><!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shapetype
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alt="Description: C:\Users\Owner\Pictures\presentation\hands mother child.bmp"
style='width:90pt;height:57.75pt;visibility:visible;mso-wrap-style:square'> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:\Users\DnA\AppData\Local\Temp\OICE_C22EA16B-86F5-4C51-8C26-96D18478A792.0\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.png"
o:title="hands mother child"/> </v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]--></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Empathy is the feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity of another person’s experience.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The answer to violence lies within each one of us.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">“Our bodies carry the potential for self-knowledge, self-healing, love and compassion. By reawakening our perceptive skills of feeling, sensing and initiating, we allow the wisdom of the body to emerge, to guide, and inform us.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“PEACE begins where we live, in our bodies. By working sincerely and directly with our present bodily felt condition, we can begin to affect our life as well as the lives of others. When we heal our self, we heal others.”</i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Janice McDermott</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b><br />
</b></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>References</b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ol><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Janice McDermott, M.Ed, MSW and Joan Stewart, MSW, <i>Grand Ideas from Within</i>, 2009.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Kimberly A. Schonert-Reichl and Molly Stewart Lawlor, “The Effects of a Mindfulness-Based Education Programs on Pre- and Early Adolescents’ Well-Being and Social and Emotional Competence”.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Aysha Schurman, “Ten Effective Communication Skills,” http://www.life123.com/relationships/communication/effective-communication/effective-communication-skills-3.shtml.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Elizabeth Scott, M.S., “Communicate: Improve Your Relationships with Effective Communication Skills,” December 10, 2010, http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/healthycomm.htm</span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-27421989297939074302012-04-16T04:58:00.000-05:002012-04-23T22:57:04.021-05:00Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: The Five Senses and Feelings<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW</span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Reining in the Senses<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Just as the body is made of food, the mind is made of the sense impressions it takes in. And just as there is junk food, there are junk experiences and junk thoughts – attractively packaged, but most debilitating for the mind. Training the senses means that we need to be discriminating about what shows we watch, what music we listen to, what kinds of books and magazines we read, what kind of conversation we listen to. Every day the senses give the mind a ten-course dinner, and we can add to our energy, our health, and our vitality by not serving it junk thoughts.”</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Eknath Easwaran<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Presence is when we are completely focused in our bodies. To do this we must engage our 5 SENSES. It is important that we teach our children about their five senses and assist in helping them become aware of their senses and use them on a daily basis. This must be achieved before they are able to label their feelings.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hearing</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Smell</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span>Taste</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sight</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Touch</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">How do you teach them to engage their five senses? It is actually quite simple. Here are some examples for each sense that you can do with your child.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sight</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">: Have them describe what they see when they are looking at a painting or photograph.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hearing</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">: Listen to music together and ask them if they can tell what instrument is being played in the background. Another example would be to go on a nature walk in silence and then discuss what sounds they heard.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Taste</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">: While eating meals, have them describe the different flavors and talk about which they prefer.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Smell</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">: Have them recall a smell that triggers a happy memory or perhaps a sad memory.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Touch</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">: Read a book that is a touch and feel book and have them describe in their own words what they feel. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Feelings<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The most important thing to remember about feelings is that they are broken down into four groups – happy, mad, sad, and afraid. The other is that there are different levels of feelings. “Good” and “bad” are not feeling words so try to correct your child when they say, “I feel good” and remind them “good” is not a feeling word and perhaps they mean, “I feel happy”. Here are some feeling words under each category to illustrate the different levels to describe feelings.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>HAPPY MAD SAD AFRAID</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Cheerful Annoyed Blue Tense<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Delighted Irritated Defeated Nervous<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Overjoyed Outraged Miserable Alarmed<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Ecstatic Fuming Helpless Terrified<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Encourage your child to use feeling words and then incorporate the five senses component by asking them, “Where do you feel happy?” or “Where do you feel angry?”</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-28465720333932558772012-04-09T10:16:00.004-05:002012-04-09T17:09:04.001-05:00Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Mindfulness<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is achieved when we are in a state of complete awareness in the present moment paired with the ability to observe our inner experience without judgment.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Hindu mindfulness: 1500 BCE</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Daoist mindfulness: 6th c. BCE</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Buddhist mindfulness: 535 BCE</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Christian mindfulness: 530 CE</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Jewish mindfulness: 10th c. CE</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Gestalt Therapy: 1940’s</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Modern Clinical Psychology/Psychiatry: 1970s</span></li>
<ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">treatment of chronic pain, stress, depression, substance abuse, suicidal behavior, and </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">family therapy</span></li>
</ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Jon Kabat-Zinn developed Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Center at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center: 1979</span></li>
</ul><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">At this point, you may be thinking that this seems “religious” or too “weird”. Let’s challenge these thoughts.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Myths: Mindfulness and Meditation</b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ol><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It is a religious activity and will conflict with my religious beliefs.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">You have to sit in lotus position and say “Om”.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I’m too busy to be quiet.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It will put out the fire of my creativity and ambition.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It will surface upsetting information from my subconscious.</span></li>
</ol><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Studies on the Effects of Mindfulness</b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Improves concentration</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Elevates perceptual acuity</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Decreases stress and anxiety</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Increases academic performance</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Cultivates creativity</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Enhances EMPATHY</span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So how exactly do you learn to achieve a state of mindfulness? Learning how to breathe is the first step for many.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>BREATHING EXERCISE</b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><u>Objective</u>: To calm one’s self through proper breathing<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Our muscles HOLD ACCUMULATED STRESS-INDUCED TENSION, the result of our daily environments.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The FIRST STAGE OF STRESS the body responds with a PANIC, a “FIGHT OR FLIGHT” reaction.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">WITHOUT ENOUGH OXYGEN, we are breathless and our BRAINS OPERATE LESS EFFICIENTLY.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Shallow breathing patterns trigger the STRESS RESPONSE cycle (similar to a FEAR RESPONSE), within the sympathetic nervous system, which transmits more stress signals to the breathing mechanism.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">WITH TRAINING in breath awareness and special breathing techniques, we can begin to bring our breathing patterns out of our unconscious and into our conscious control.</span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Copyright 2009, Janice McDermott, M.Ed., LCSW & Joan Stewart, LCSW</span><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>EASY TO IMPLEMENT ANYWHERE ANYTIME</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This breathing lesson was taken from <i>Grand Ideas from Within</i> which is a guided imagery program with pre-recorded CDs. Other examples of guided imagery exercises can be found on Health Journeys website.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>References</b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ol><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Ronald Alexander, Ph.D., “Four Myths about Mindfulness Meditation,” in <i>The Wise Open Mind</i>, December 2, 2009.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Shamash Alidina, posted</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">in Blog, “History of Mindfulness,” http://learnmindfulness.co.uk/history-of-mindfulness/.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Bodipaksa, “The top ten myths about meditation,” May 18, 2007, http://www.wildmind.org.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Tobin Hart, “Opening the Contemplative Mind in the Classroom,” <i>Journal of Transformative Education</i> Vol. 2 No. 1, January 2004.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Janice McDermott, M.Ed, MSW and Joan Stewart, MSW, <i>Grand Ideas from Within</i>, 2009.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Kimberly A. Schonert-Reichl and Molly Stewart Lawlor, “The Effects of a Mindfulness-Based Education Programs on Pre- and Early Adolescents’ Well-Being and Social and Emotional Competence”.</span></li>
</ol>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-17226462588598475532012-04-02T14:11:00.001-05:002012-04-23T22:57:14.787-05:00Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Eye Opener<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Imagine that you have a sixth and eighth grade son and you have made a commitment to be a chaperon for the middle school mission trip at your church. The students will be performing concerts with song and dance to the homeless and other groups. They will sing contemporary Christian songs not the traditional music you listened to in church. You walk into the choir room for the first practice session and there are well over 200 sixth, seventh, and eighth grade boys and girls in one room. This in and of itself is overwhelming and you begin to wonder what in the world have you gotten yourself into. The students are on built in risers so they tower over you. There is a hum of conversation and laughter along with a lot of movement. The youth pastor addresses the group that it is time to begin. Practice starts with prayer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">You begin to notice the students are having trouble settling down. They seem to be distracted and you begin to observe that some are still texting, others are listening to their i-pods, and there is one boy who is actually playing a video game on his phone. It occurs to you that these kids are having a hard time disconnecting from their outside world. For the most part, the students were there because they wanted to be and they were “good kids”. You have two children who are part of this group and had not noticed this behavior before, but now you realize how this age group is so disconnected. You think to yourself something must be done!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This was actually my own personal experience. My eyes were opened! I began to realize this was not good and a bit scary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I-pods, cell phones, text messaging, e-mails, facebook, and video games keep us from connecting. Our youth are so “plugged” into the world that they are disconnected from each other. Now more than ever they need lessons on how to turn inward to calm the body – to disengage from their busy world and open their MINDS to unlimited possibilities through creativity and their imagination along with finding the PEACE that lies within them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Communication is not just verbal. It is also non-verbal including eye contact, tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and gestures. Full communication cannot be achieved with text messaging and e-mail. The ability to have Empathy is acquired through the process of communication. Empathy is the feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity of another person’s experience. Do you wonder if we are not creating a generation who will not have the ability to communicate effectively therefore the possibility of little or no empathy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Where do we begin? I believe the answer lies within “Heightened Awareness”. I like to think of it as a pyramid effect similar to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You have to start at the bottom to make your way to the top.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiavX4nTGWBLTy15rHlG-MeAhiCo-oDa4TPXGEMdMAp_tLqnwRY5vbX80S3wA4YQifa3IOyxxtxHh0Wp5UWryeCkYf5QXumpH9_5vGrv1K1pVRFjDEWnvFKHMS4cBTyk8ZHZZOqX1-XUyPY/s1600/Untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiavX4nTGWBLTy15rHlG-MeAhiCo-oDa4TPXGEMdMAp_tLqnwRY5vbX80S3wA4YQifa3IOyxxtxHh0Wp5UWryeCkYf5QXumpH9_5vGrv1K1pVRFjDEWnvFKHMS4cBTyk8ZHZZOqX1-XUyPY/s400/Untitled.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We shall climb this pyramid together over the next three weeks.</span></div>
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</div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-5795617520883721892012-03-26T11:54:00.001-05:002012-03-26T11:54:00.463-05:00Boosting EQ<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">While it is debatable whether IQ can be changed, it is clear that EQ can be changed. EQ is built and developed through teaching of specific skills, including self-awareness, self-regulation, social skills/awareness, and empathy. Parents are the ideal teachers of emotional intelligence since they walk through so much of life with their children. Here are some ideas for building EQ skills into everyday life.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Help your child understand his feelings.</b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> Ask your child to label what he is feeling in a variety of situations. For younger children, attempt to label what you think they are feeling based on facial expression, body language, and verbal content. Use language like, “It sounds/looks like you are sad/angry/excited/happy.”</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Model good emotional management.</b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> Remember that you are a powerful model for your child, and your child is more likely to do as you do rather than do as you say. Step 1 is labeling your own feelings in any given situation, which conveys to your child that you have feelings, too, that feelings are okay, and that they are manageable. For older children, it’s also important for you to identify how their actions affect you; understanding the relationship between their actions and others’ feelings helps develop empathy. Younger children will have difficulty understanding this connection because it’s too complex for their developmental age, so use it sparingly with children under age 5. Step 2 then, is working your feelings out in a healthy, acceptable way. (“I’m feeling frustrated right now and I’m going to take a quiet time in my room to help me relax.”)</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Help your child problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior.</b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> When you set a limit on unacceptable behavior associated with your child’s upset, always provide an alternative that is acceptable to you. If your child is hitting his sister, who took a toy away from him, it’s not enough to simply stop him from hitting her. He needs to learn (and practice) managing his upset in an acceptable way. Show him that it’s okay to hit his pillow, jump on his bed, etc. Older children can, and should, be involved in finding acceptable alternatives. Remember that the time for engaging in logical conversation about acceptable behaviors is not when your child is overcome with emotion (experiencing high amounts of emotions shuts down the logical part of them brain). Instead, problem-solve acceptable alternatives during calm, non-stress times so you’ll be prepared when emotions hit.</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Role play it out.</b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> Role playing is particularly good for building social skills and assertiveness. Use puppets, stuffed animals, or even your own bodies to role play upcoming social situations or to “re-do” situations that weren't handled in an acceptable way the first time. Make sure to help your child identify his feelings about the event you are role playing.</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Play emotion games.</b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> Try involving the whole family to play games that build emotional awareness. If you have younger children, have each family member take turns making a “feeling face” while the other members make the face themselves and guess what the feeling is. For older children, provide a short situation (be creative, they can be funny) and then have the child identify how he would feel in the situation.</span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The ideas above not only build emotional intelligence, they also build the bond between you and your child. When your child knows and experiences that you accept him and his emotions, he is more likely to share them with you, which builds a closer relationship.</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-74753646973331292862012-03-19T11:40:00.001-05:002012-07-13T16:50:39.388-05:00Becoming an Emotion Coaching Parent<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Last week I highlighted the 4 parenting styles noted by John Gottman, Ph.D.: dismissing, disapproving, laissez-faire, and emotional coaching. This week is focused on how to become an emotion coaching parent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Gottman identifies 5 steps for becoming an emotion coaching parent:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Recognize the emotion</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Increase intimacy with the emotion</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Listen for and validate the emotion</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Label the emotion</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Set limits with emotion</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">For parents who are currently operating out of a non-emotion coaching style, there is one more step that I believe needs to be added in, and it actually occurs before any of the 5 listed above. Parents who are currently using dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire styles are almost certainly doing so because that was the style demonstrated by their own family of origin. Dismissing and disapproving styles in particular tend to have difficulty tolerating emotion, thus the desire to ignore it or cut it off. In such cases, it is important that the parent first ground himself and separate emotionally from the situation in order to achieve the correct perspective. Separating emotionally simply means recognizing and laying a boundary between the child’s emotions and your own so that your child has the freedom to feel the emotion and you have the freedom not to take it on yourself. Without this important step of caring for yourself, you may have difficulty acting as an emotion coach.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The adjusted steps would look like this:</span></div>
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<ol>
<li><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Separate yourself emotionally</i></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Recognize the emotion</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Increase intimacy with the emotion</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Listen for and validate the emotion</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Label the emotion</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Set limits with emotion</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Imagine your five-year old daughter begins to cry when you tell her it’s time to leave the playground, then begins to hit you. Here is what it might look like to act as an emotion coach in that situation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Separate yourself emotionally.</b> You use self-talk to get grounded and realize her emotional upset is her own and that you are not going to take it on yourself, that all emotions are acceptable, and that you can coach her through this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Recognize the emotion</b>. Acknowledge to yourself that your child is overwhelmed by emotion, and try to guess what it is. Try to imagine what you would be experiencing if you were in the same situation. It’s okay if you come up with multiple ideas; we often experience a mixture of feelings at any given time. In this example, your daughter is probably sad and disappointed about leaving the park and her friends. She may even be angry with you for making her leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Increase intimacy with the emotion.</b> Use the situation as an opportunity for strengthening your relationship by connecting on a deeper level. “It’s so hard to leave when you’re having so much fun.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Listen for and validate the emotion.</b> Use reflective listening to confirm that you’ve heard what your child is saying. Validating emotions does not mean that you agree with them, it simply means you understand how your child is feeling. “You want to stay and play longer. You’re not ready to leave your friend or the slide yet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Label the emotion.</b> Use the feeling word(s) you identified above to verbally acknowledge how your child is feeling. “You’re sad that it’s time to leave already.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Set limits with the emotion.</b> While all emotions are acceptable, all the behaviors that accompany them are not. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and desires but set limits to ensure that safety of the child and others. Try to provide an acceptable alternative when you set a limit. “You’re angry that I said we have to leave the park and you want to hit me, but it is not okay to hit people. You may jump as hard as you want on the ground.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Becoming an emotion coach takes time, emotional energy, and practice. You will have times of success and times that need improvement. Remember that your ability to act as an emotion coach to your child depends on you successfully managing your own emotions through the process. Consider seeking your own emotion coach if you feel stuck in this area.</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-53767342669939967842012-03-12T10:32:00.000-05:002012-03-12T10:32:00.311-05:00What is Your Parenting Style?<div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Authoritative. Indulgent. Authoritarian. Disengaged. Many people are familiar with these descriptors of parenting style, which evaluate the degree of control (high or low) and the degree of acceptance (high or low) that exist between a parent and child. Seemingly less known are the categories of parenting style noted by researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., which evaluate how a parent interacts with the emotions of his child. Focusing on how a parent interacts with his child emotionally is smart because it targets emotional intelligence.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as EQ (emotional quotient), is the ability to accurately identify emotion in yourself and others, to manage it appropriately in yourself, to respond to it appropriately in others, and to use information about the emotional climate of situations to inform future decisions. Emotional intelligence is important not only for an individual health, it’s important for relational health. Healthy, satisfying relationships and interactions depend on the ability to understand your own internal world as well as your ability to key into the other person’s. Since familial/parental relationships are the first relationships that children experience, it’s important to assess the extent to which you use EQ in your parenting.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Which of the following of Gottman’s parenting styles describes you?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><u><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>The Dismissing Style</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>“Get over it!”</i><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Dismissing parents ignore, avoid, or dismiss emotions that are considered to be bad or messy, such as anger, sadness, fear, and grief. Dismissing parents may also:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Want the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 7pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Distract the child from his feelings</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Think the child’s emotions are not important</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Be unsure of how to help the child with strong emotions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Feel uncomfortable when the child is experiencing strong emotions</span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children of dismissing parents learn that their feelings are wrong or bad and that their feelings need to be fixed or covered up. They have difficulty regulating their emotions.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><u><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>The Disapproving Style</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">“Stop feeling that way!”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Disapproving parents believe that the expression of negative emotions should be controlled, limited in time, and that such expression communicates weakness. These parents may also:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Criticize the child’s strong emotions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Discipline the child for emotional expression</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">View emotional expression as a means of manipulation</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Are concerned about obedience to authority</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children of disapproving parents lack the ability to manage their emotions and may internalize the messages of criticism, weakness, and manipulation that they receive, which could result in shame.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><u><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>The Laissez-Faire Style</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">“Anything goes!”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Laissez-faire parents communicate acceptance of all forms of emotional expression, regardless of behavior. These parents may also:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Comfort the child during negative emotions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Believe negative emotions need to “run their course”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Avoid setting limits or providing guidance on behavior</span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children of laissez-faire parents lack the ability to regulate their emotions and may have difficulty returning to a calm state when they are upset. They may also have difficulty with social cues and social interactions.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><u><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>The Emotional Coaching Style</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">“I understand…”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Emotion coaching parents value and validate emotions but also guide behavior. Characteristics of these parents include:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Viewing emotional expression as an opportunity for connection and closer relationship</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Ability to tolerate negative emotions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Respecting the child’s feelings</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">Helping the child to problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior during emotional expression</span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children of emotional coaching parents learn to trust and accept their feelings while also learning that there are limits on their behavior. They learn how to safely work through their emotions.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Which type of parent are you? If you’ve read through the descriptions above and realized that you are a dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire parent, tune in next week to learn how to change your ways and work toward becoming an emotional coaching parent.</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-87882832059095424862012-02-27T13:53:00.000-06:002012-02-27T13:53:09.373-06:00Bullying 400: Reaching Out to Parents<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Chris Shaw, MAMFT</b><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Parents both of bullies and of victims can be left feeling helpless, unsure of how to best help their children. Maybe you are losing touch with your children and they don't seem to want to talk to you as much these days. Children are masterful at hiding what's going on, so many parents are left unaware of the problems that exist in their children's lives. Here are a few things to look for which may be indicators.<sup>1</sup><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Is my child a victim? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">are they withdrawn at home?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">have they complained of no friends at school?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">is there a decreased desire to go to school?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">have you noticed a significant decline in grades?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">do they make negative or suicidal statements about themselves?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">are they excessively temperamental?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">do they often complain of having headaches, upset stomach or “just feeling sick”?</span></li>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Has my child become a bully?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">are they currently a victim of bullying or abuse, or have they been a victim in the past?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">do they deny wrongdoing and shift blame to others?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">are they touchy or irritable?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">have they had consistent problematic behavior at school?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">are there high amounts of household stress or marital troubles?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">are they argumentative and defiant?</span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Although these factors do not necessarily mean that your child is either a bully or has become a victim, they often present as warning signs to consider, rather than ignoring or minimizing them. Parents play a critical role in the development of their children's view of self. You can help them to figure themselves out in the midst of a confusing and difficult time. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">What you can do to help</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>1. Acknowledge your child's emotions.</i></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A parent can benefit their child by helping them to understand their emotions. “You seem angry, I know that is unpleasant” Simply by acknowledging their emotions, you can help them to feel understood. Knowing that their parent can understand how they are feeling bridges a chasm of communication difference. Victims can believe that their emotions are insignificant. Bullies often act aggressively because of low emotional awareness. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>2. Encourage them in developing positive characteristics.</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Parents can get stuck only seeing the bad. Take the time to notice your children and what makes them uniquely special. Small comments like: “your hair looks nice today,” or “I love the way your smile brightens a room up.” When your child has worked hard on something take the time to let them know that you notice their efforts. Look for positives wherever they are. The both bullies and victims have difficulty seeing positive things in themselves. Positive reinforcers are actually much stronger than punishments.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>3. Talk to the counselor at your local school. </i><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Make them aware of situations that exist and ask for their help. Often the school officials are unaware of the problems that exist in their own schools. Open communication and collaboration between teachers, parents and school counselors can be a powerful positive force for effectively dealing with bullying. If your child is the aggressor, be firm and consistent with them in applying rules also at home. Let them know, lovingly, that this behavior will not be tolerated and set specific consequences for continued behavior. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>4. Help them figure themselves out within the family context.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Both bullies and victims suffer from lack of clarity about who they are. The bully, as we mentioned last week, is often a natural leader using their gifts in a negative way. Take the time to listen to your child. If your child believes that you care about them and are willing to empathetically listen and get to know how they see themselves more disposed they are to open up. This takes maintaining an attitude of curiosity and wonder about who your child is, rather than dictating every aspect of who they must be. The hope is to enable them to develop in a God-glorifying way, both as a member of the family and as an individual with particular gifts and abilities, and interests. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>5. Seek professional help.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When bullying behavior is allowed to continue for extended periods, children are at an increased risk for criminal and self-destructive behaviors. Victims of bullying, too, can show increased symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies. Parents , themselves, can feel overwhelmed with their own problems which makes it even more difficult to attend to their children's lives. If you feel helpless, it is okay to ask for help.</span></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-2318865734049941582012-02-22T22:24:00.000-06:002012-02-22T22:24:09.141-06:00Bullying 310: Getting to the Heart of the Issue<div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Chris Shaw, MAMFT</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Confronting the current situation of bullying in schools is becoming increasingly difficult. The movement seems to be away from direct interactions to indirect bullying means. There are, however, common threads that exist among bullies. The important question for us today is: why bullies engage in the behavior that they do? Though there are many different causes and interrelated factors, this week's blog will briefly at two significant reasons. Despite the way the victims tend to perceive bullying, the causes often have much less to do with them and much more to do with underlying causes within the perpetrator.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Bullying to gain social acceptance and attention <o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Bullying is systemic. It is not just a dance between two persons. Our basic human needs include human interaction and acceptance. A child who receives the message of worthlessness, verbally or through non-verbal interactions at home or from peers, develops a deficient view of themselves. This is evident both in family life, but also in the peer group setting of school. Children desire attention and will do whatever it takes to receive it. Here the cycle of bullying/abuse easily repeats itself. Those children who are bullied or abused often become perpetrators, themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A wide variety of means to garner appreciation and attention exist. Some children will isolate and take on the victim role to receive “mercy attention.” Others push themselves academically, musically, or athletically to receive “accolade attention.” Still others take on negative attention building roles to receive “punitive attention.” Bullying is one form of this. Each of these developed coping mechanisms begins to shape children's identities. Hence, the bully builds a reputation for being a “bad kid” and comes to figure out who they are in their social world. For them, having an identity and attention through bullying, is better than being a nobody. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Dr. Dan Olweus identifies a bullying circle that exists, which includes not only the bully and the victim, but the bystanders in school as well. People inevitably choose sides to one degree or another. Some children become supporters of the bully, either by silent consent or by active participation. Some remain silent but side more with the victim. Others may verbally and physically stand up for the victim, yet this seems to be more often not the case. Intimidation becomes the socialization mechanism for the bully. Supporters are gained and the bully takes a central role in the social system.1<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Bullying as a position of power <o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Sometimes the best defense is a strong offense. In order to protect oneself from perceived negative image, the bully will act first to disprove fears about themselves. This negative view of self is often buried in the subconscious; the more the bullying takes place, the further the negative view of self can be submerged into the subconscious. The bully repeats aggressive behavior to reinforce this redefinition of self and further distance themselves from their own fears. All of this is based on a misunderstanding of the concepts of fear and respect, loyalty and leadership. Often bullies are naturally born leaders without anyone to teach them how to be a leader. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In a Machiavellian manner, they believe that if others fear them, they have gained respect. This is a means of gaining the loyalty of those around them and promoting their position of power. However, if we look under the surface of things, fear is driving the car. By striking fear in others, the bully is able to compensate for themselves. They can have a sense of control over their victim when they feel out of control themselves. Bullying forms a set of conditioned responses in the victim, so whether their victim responds with passivity or by reacting back, the bully assumes a means of controlling the response of their victims and taking their voice from them. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children have emotional processes running in the background. When they are tied to their subconscious understanding of self, those emotions have a powerful force. Children, just as adults, who are unable to put words on their emotions are much more susceptible to being led by them. By identifying their emotions and finding appropriate outlets for them, a child gains a clearer understanding of themselves and an increased ability to regulate their behavior. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Meeting the child's needs<o:p></o:p></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children need to be met where they are. Erik Erikson identified the developmental task of children between 6 and 12 as industry or inferiority. Between 12 and 18, children are trying to develop ego identity. It is important for parents and teachers alike to recognize that throughout both of these periods, children do not yet know themselves. Indeed, this is truly a life-long process. Parents, teachers and peers all play a powerful role in child development. With this in mind, the question becomes not “if,” but “how” we will help them develop their identity. To the extent that adults facilitate peer group interaction, they should be aware of the group dynamics and how each child fits into the system. At this point, the adult is best able to positively direct group interactions for the best interests of each child. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Combating the bullying child's fears and push for power is difficult, since what needs addressing is being buried consistently deeper by the child. The bullying is their means of avoiding a painful confrontation of personal thoughts and feelings. If, as a parent, you begin fearing the development of bullying behavior in your child, take the time to listen to them. Parents often fail to realize the amount of influence that they can have with their children simply by being a safe person for their child, being trustworthy for their child and taking the time to hear them. For some children, therapy can be a good opportunity for them to get to their underlying fears and consequently be able to build up, in a positive way, their God-given leadership abilities. Again, the key to remember is that children are often looking for guidance and are trying to figure out who they are in the world around them. As adults, we have the difficult task of helping them develop and finding out who God is molding them to be.</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-39620485075835076032012-02-14T21:05:00.000-06:002012-02-14T21:05:24.258-06:00Bullying 201: Empowering the Powerless<div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Chris Shaw, MAMFT</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The child that is consistently picked on at school is rightly considered a “victim,” as they often feel vulnerable to the onslaught of abuse from their peers. Fear overrides their internal system initiating a fight or flight response. Those children who remain quiet and pensive in the midst of bullying seem to often internalize the words spoken or actions done to them by the perpetrator. Instead of being able to build up their ego strength, they begin to believe that they are inherently flawed in their being. Internal dialogues can begin building a child's self-identity in response to bullying. “If I weren't such a loser, I wouldn't let them treat me this way.” “Maybe they are right and no one really does like me.” “I am trash, worthless and can only be safe in isolation by myself.” The bully begins defining their identity.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Emotional responses exist in conjunction with these cognitions. Anger begins building toward the offender and even toward those who may give tacit consent to the bullying. Often teachers, parents and peers discount bullying as simply a “part of life,” leaving the victim to feel even more isolated and misunderstood. Sadness, anxiety follow quite easily. They may feel as though they were the scape-goat and the focus of everyone's scorn and ridicule: a lightning rod for shame. In these instances a child needs reassurance that they are not the cause of their own torment. They need an advocate for them. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">One of the great dangers inherent within bullying is the tendency for the victim to believe lies about themselves and lies about God's care for them: “God doesn't care that I have to go through this every day at school. Nobody cares.” The more the negative self-image is reinforced through peers and even adults, the more entrenched it will become to the child's self-identity and thus more difficult to break. In order to combat these lies, the child must be able to see themselves as a valuable image bearer of God who gives them worth. They also need to know and experience human love which is symbolic of God's love. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Even the child who chooses to stand up for themselves and talks back or fights back is being shaped by the bullying. They are learning a survival-based pattern of interaction which shapes their understanding of the world as well as their place within the world. Importantly, however, both categories of responses: fight or flight, can lead to perpetuating cycles of bullying. As with cycles of abuse, the victim can easily become a wrongdoer and begin to become a bullier in order to “make up” for the way they perceive themselves. Recognizing that everyone's heart is capable of the same depths of evil helps to safeguard against this mentality. The child who is bullied needs to know and believe that the ones who attack them are acting wrongly, and that it is similarly unacceptable behavior for them repeat. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The differences between bullying and abuse are minimal. Children who are subjected to daily ridicule, physical harm or neglect tend to develop a negative self-image. When there is bullying at school and any type of abuse occurring in the home, the compound effects can be crippling. The more factors there are in a child's life which reinforce a negative self-identity, the greater the risk to their well-being. The student in school who has no friends and is shunned by others is being sent the message that they are unlovable and not worthy of even friendship. God has created each one of us to be in relationships, not to be isolated individuals. Help given to the bullied child should include attempts to foster positive social experiences. Having at least one friend in school can dramatically change a child's experience for the better. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Bullied children will often carry the “I'm defective” mentality into a therapy room. Thus it is important for them to be given the chance to lead in the therapeutic process and speak from their own perspective as much as possible. Group therapy for bullied individuals can be a powerful tool in shaping their world view. Shared experiences and feelings can provide healing for those suffering from bullying. They need to know that therapy is not about “fixing” them, but about reinforcing positive messages which equip and embolden them to own the truth and speak it clearly to themselves. “It is not my fault. I do not have to let them define who I am, and who I will be. I am a valuable child of God, despite what others might say or do to me.” Helping a child to come to this place renders the bully powerless and allows the child to regain control of their identity.</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-18979976019135057202012-02-07T09:04:00.000-06:002012-02-07T09:04:00.298-06:00Bullying 101<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Chris Shaw, MAMFT</b><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Many children are all too familiar with the concept of bullying. They could give you a definition simply by talking about their daily routine. Bullying has gotten significant attention, especially in the past few years, due to a growing awareness of other forms of aggression that take place via the internet and through cell phones. The popular movie from 2004, “Mean Girls,” caused many to focus attention on psychological bullying that exists in schools today. Bullying is much more than the use of physical force. It can also take the form of verbalized taunts and threats or be relational in nature such as spreading of gossip or deliberately excluding one person. It can be based on race, gender, sexuality or personality. Technology has made bullying easier and more convenient. Consequently, now intimidation and belittling can be done through social media sites, blogs or through bombarding victims with text messages. Dr. Dan Olweus, who is considered a pioneer in bullying research, has categorized it this way: "A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself."<sup>1</sup> Maybe this definition brings to memory your own childhood or maybe it is something your child is suffering with even now. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">One caution may be helpful to keep in mind. It is possible to be over vigilant about bullying. By this I mean that parents, teachers and other authority figures can begin to view everything through the expectation of bullying. There exists a middle ground between indifference and hyper-sensitivity. This middle ground ought to be one which does not ignore bullying that occurs, but it simultaneously keeps a realistic attitude towards it happening. Bullying will take place, because not everything can be seen, but it must be dealt with to the greatest extent possible. This battle can be addressed from multiple fronts. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ol><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Caring for the child who is bullied to minimize its impact</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Working with the perpetrator to decrease bullying behavior</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Helping parents to help their children</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Working collaboratively with youth, parents and educators all together to educate and equip</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">them in proactively preventing bullying</span></li>
</ol><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The APA cites a 2001 study done of 15,000 youth from 6th through 10th grades. This study found that roughly one in five students reports being a bully or being a victim of bullying “'sometimes' or more.”<sup>2</sup> The impact of this cannot be underestimated. Not only does this affect their day to day lives, but bullying can have serious negative long-term consequences as it affects the individual's self-image. It is my hope that you will find this month's blog informative and helpful, and that it provides you with tools to handle this difficult issue.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>1</b> Olweus. What is Bullying?. Retrieved from http://olweus.org/public/bullying.page<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>2</b> American Psychological Association (October 29, 2004). School Bullying is Nothing New, But Psychologists Identify New Ways to Prevent It, Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/research/action/bullying.aspx</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-37343777812464225652012-01-30T12:35:00.000-06:002012-01-30T12:35:00.048-06:00Gottman’s Research on Successful Marriages<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Since 1980 Dr. John Gottman has been gathering research on marital interactions and has proven with 94% accuracy the ones that end in divorce based on the partners’ physiological interactions with one another. The important thing to note in couple problems isn’t “how often they fight” but “how they fight.” Research was done by observing couple’s heart rates, facial expressions, gestures, fidgeting, sarcasm, contempt, breathing, listening, emotional understandings, and inability or ability to agree on their history and laugh at past hardships. This research has lead to the identification of dissolved marriages. Research has also refuted popular myths on marriage busters such as financial, sexual, and compatibility problems leading to divorce, etc. Gottman’s findings contradict Olsen’s speculation that couples who argue aggressively end in divorce. Gottman’s evidence is gathered from hundreds of couple “x-ray” tests where he observes them with lie detectors, electrodes, pulse devices, blood flow sensors, and microphones. Couple disagreements were then observed when they arose. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Not only is this research methodically different, but it remains valid across time per couple that has participated. Spanning close to three decades and using seventy-nine couples exhaustively, the research has stood the test of premature predictions. It is important to study these long-term successful relationships. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">What is some of the most pivotal information found in his research? <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Couples need five more positive comments than negative for each other.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">(Even couples who have many passionate disagreements thrive when this ratio is kept.)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Laughter is important in marriages.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The Four Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse:</span></li>
<ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Criticism</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Contempt</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Defensiveness</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Withdrawal</span></li>
</ul></ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Remember that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy marriage, and that these research findings prove that a ratio of five positives to one negative predicts the most important ingredient of hope. Decreasing the criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal by focusing on the positive is truly life. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. -</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Philippians 4:8, ESV</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Communicate positive interactions with the significant people in your life by speaking them, and writing them on sticky notes and leaving them in surprising locations. Don’t forget that our facial expressions and laughter screams communication as well. For more great information on this by Dr. John Gottman, read his book entitled <i>Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: …and How You Can Make Yours Last</i>.</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-76156911742643609972012-01-23T12:25:00.000-06:002012-01-23T12:25:00.113-06:00The Power of Positive Affirmation<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The famous adage, “A child doesn’t remember what you taught them, but they remember how you made them feel” can be applied to a child’s most important teacher – his parent. When we are worried about our children, it is extremely easy to overly warn, discipline, and communicate areas of needed improvement. Unfortunately, just as you don’t feel motivated to “perform” for your spouse or friends, or other family members, your child can’t grow best when you constantly point out flaws. Often when working with adolescents and families, I hear a pattern of parents communicating detailed negative traits about their children while vaguely mentioning positive ones. Not only does the number of positive interactions need to outweigh the negative, but the detailed natures of each need to be balanced as well. For instance, we all know how easy it is to go into vivid detail rehashing an offensive behavior, but we seldom overlook how surface, superficial, and lacking in affirmation statements like “ You are such a good kid, I’m proud of your good grades, you’re a sweet person, etc.,” can be. Instead consider the difference in the statements above to these more affirming and specific ones:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">You are such a good kid because many have told me how respectful you are.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">For instance, Mrs. __________ said….</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Your good grades tell me so much about you.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">They tell me that you are dedicated, disciplined, and that you value your future.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Also, they show that you have a respect for learning , knowledge, and others who have traveled down the road of life more than you.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It is easy to see you are a genuinely sweet person because you are always noticing when a friend is hurt and lending a listening ear.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Also, I’ve seen how you consoled your little sister when she hurt herself yesterday. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">You not only……., but you also…… which comforted her.</span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When we focus with as much detail and energy on the positives in our lives as we naturally do the negatives, it is amazing how much deeper we can keep digging. Consider how the following verse from the New Testament encourages us to truly think about these positives:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">– Philippians 4:8</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Our minds are connected to our heart, and we can’t help communicate what we think. Your child will certainly remember how you make them feel, and it will motivate them to achieve these affirmations to greater degrees. Tune in next week to discover how scientific research has proven that these positive affirmations have predicted committed marriages.</span></span>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-10686473066905723392012-01-16T12:22:00.000-06:002012-01-16T12:22:00.152-06:00Academic Resolutions: From a Teacher to a Teacher<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now is an excellent time to evaluate your child’s academic progress and set goals for academic accountability. Unlike at the beginning of a school year, many of your child’s teachers are familiar with your child’s aptitude and average performance and might recognize important changes that may have occurred. Depending on the teacher, you may find out critical behavioral and social information since your child spends a significant period of time at school. Remember that emotional, social, and behavioral encounters with friends and peers can affect academics significantly. Often times emailing your child’s teacher with specific questions can be the most time efficient method of communication. Many times an informal e-mail can produce more candid and efficient results than a formal teacher conference where several adults are gathered and communications can be more filtered and hurried. If you do not desire to communicate with all of his or her teachers, try to choose one or two that your child mentions the most. Choosing teachers that your child has more positive and negative interactions with could be beneficial. Send each teacher an individualized e-mail. From my experience as a high school teacher and therapist, I have found the following list of questions most helpful:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><ul><li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Does my child seem to be focused while in class?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When considering my child’s academic aptitude, is he/she below, above, or on average for his/her grade level?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Is my child performing according to his/her aptitude?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Does my child participate in classroom activities?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Does my child do his or her homework thoroughly? (You will know their grades from their electronic and paper reports.)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">How does my child interact socially with peers?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Is social communication too reserved, too vocal, inappropriate, etc.?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If you have noticed my child’s social interactions, would you say he or she is socializing with positive peers or negative ones?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Do you have any suggestions of goals to work on with my child?</span></li>
</ul><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When communicating with your child’s teacher, remember to choose a few important questions that don’t overload the teacher with more work than he or she already has. Thank the teacher for his or her time. Be careful that you do not accuse a teacher, but instead ask questions that communicate that you desire clarity from an adult’s perspective (if there has been a confusing incident). Lastly, as with all communications, remember to say something positive about your child’s experience in his or her class if applicable.</span></span>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-75713216908624629472012-01-09T15:22:00.000-06:002012-01-09T15:22:01.458-06:00Family Reflections and Resolutions<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT</b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Resolutions for the new year are bombarding us on every radio station, television, and magazine advertisement, and for many, it is a time of beating oneself up. Countless psychologists and studies indicate that the vehicle of lasting positive change is to see and feel achievement - not discouragement. In this new year, take the time to access the positive changes, memories, and achievements you have made with your family. Think of the best memory of the year. Did it involve quality time, a mini vacation, a teachable moment? Make a list of the positive outcomes you have achieved as an individual and as a family. After you have basked in the growth of last year, resolve to add a few realistic goals to better strengthen your current or future goals. Also, see if your personal goals and your family goals need more balancing. You can even make it a family effort by creating a memory time capsule of 2011 which also lists goals for 2012. Each family member can write his or her own list for each year, and then each member can read it aloud before burying it. This can become a family tradition that you dig up and rebury each year. Using this as a family devotion with prayer can be a reverent way to thank God for his gifts of grace and also request his guidance in the year to come. The time to appreciate the blessings of the previous year will also help prepare us for the inevitable heartaches of the new one because it can help us take time to treasure our many and unique blessings before we lose them.</span><o:p></o:p></div>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-20248020779945281652011-12-26T09:39:00.000-06:002011-12-26T09:39:00.782-06:00Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 4<div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Emily Rankin, MAMFT</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>When you're low on funds:</b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The holidays are full of pressures to give your loved ones the next best thing or the newest, shiniest, (fill in the blank). But what about the sentiment behind it? We often assume that more money spent on a gift means more love and sentiment behind it. This makes so much sense when you think about gift-giving in terms of sacrifice. Often, the pricier the item, the greater the sacrifice on the gift-giver's part. But a financial sacrifice is just one of the ways in which to show you care. Take heart, financially-strapped readers! There are lots of ways to express love and sentiment without breaking the bank. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If you're crafty and creative, DIY!!! (Do it yourself). There are literally THOUSANDS of ideas online for making inexpensive gifts for loved ones of all ages. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If you're not so crafty, use your words. One of my favorite gifts I've ever gotten was a sweet note in a pretty picture frame. I've since done this for some of my close friends and it's always a hit! You don't have to spend a fortune on the frame. Just find a simple frame, choose your paper and pen, and write out a note. You can use a 3 point line. Here's one example of a letter for a sister: "Merry Christmas to my sweet sister, my eternal best friend, and my beautiful example in Christ. I love you more than you'll ever know!" It's short, simple, and very sweet. The chances are good that they won't even put a picture in the frame, but will prefer to keep the sentiment as the subject for years to come. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If you're not crafty and you're not wordy, you can give your time and services. Make a coupon book for favors or a pre-planned calendar of acts of service. The coupon book is great if you're fairly flexible and can be accommodating to their schedules. If you're a busy-bee, give them a calendar of events of things that you plan to do for them over the next few weeks, or months. You can help around the house, babysit, walk their dogs, take them to coffee, plan a series of in-home movie nights - any number of things. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The best gifts are often the gifts that require sacrifice. Keep that in mind when you're thinking of your loved ones and stewing over what to give them. We've probably all gotten the gift from the "wealthier" family member that required no thought or sentiment - but only a credit card and a fully staffed gift-wrapping station. Those gifts are not the gifts we usually remember. We remember the song someone wrote for us or the painting that our littlest family member did in art class and "wanted to give it" to us "for Christmas." Finding ways to show your loved ones that you love and treasure them does not always have to mean elaborate presents or time-consuming projects. Keep it simple. Keep it real. Merry Christmas readers!!</span></span>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442067954732545100.post-34853175216398202752011-12-20T13:34:00.004-06:002011-12-20T13:44:09.120-06:00Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 3<div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">by Emily Rankin, MAMFT</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>When you're schedule is filled to the brim</b><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Nothing jams up a schedule quite like the holiday season. If this sounds like your life these days, take some time to sit down with your loved ones and pick and choose the collective favorites. You don't have to do everything you used to do. Just choose the ones that everyone (or the majority) agrees on and pencil those into your schedules. You might even combine a few by doing them at the same time. You could have one family member shopping for gifts online, another decorating the tree, and another addressing and stamping the endless Christmas card mailers - all while your favorite music or movie is playing in the background. "What if," you ask, "Santa's little 'helpers' are a little on the little side?" That's a great question. Take a deep breath and brace yourself for the answer: Don't be afraid to abandon the way you think things should happen. The ornaments don't have to be perfectly placed. The stamps don't have to be right-side up. They'll mail just the same. Or, if you need to have those things on the fast-track, you can have your little one "read" a book aloud to you while you're working or ya'll can talk about your favorite holiday traditions together. You can play games like "Holiday Hi's and Low's" or "I Wish the Elf on the Shelf Hadn't Seen Me ______________" while you're working. (See below for game rules). You might be surprised at some of your answers. If your "little" one is VERY little, strap him or her to you and keep on going. They'll be content because you're holding them (and bonding with your baby is facilitated) - and your hands will be free. (Google: "baby slings" to find out how to fashion one on your own or how to purchase a pre-made version). <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i><b>Holiday Hi's and Low's:</b></i><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Ask your child about their best moment (thus far) of the holiday season has been and their worst moment (thus far) has been. If it's possible, repeat the "hi's," with your children and avoid the "low's." It's also a great way to learn more about your child and their personal preferences. You might be surprised by some of their answers. :-) <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i><b>I Wish the Elf on the Shelf Hadn't Seen Me____________:</b></i><o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Ask your child to fill in the blank. It will not only provide some (more than likely) much needed humor to your day, but will also give your child the opportunity to show remorse for mistakes or slip-ups they may have made. Parents can play too! Model for them your ability to own your mistakes. Maybe you got way too upset when that car stole your parking place (and your Christmas spirit). Or maybe you lost your temper when your child threw the fit in the store and you acted in a way that you shouldn't have. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">It's just as important (if not moreso) to teach your child to take responsibility for bad behavior and work to change it as it is to never make a mistake in the first place.</span></span>Upside Down Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00229032313738625110noreply@blogger.com0