Bullying 310: Getting to the Heart of the Issue

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Confronting the current situation of bullying in schools is becoming increasingly difficult.  The movement seems to be away from direct interactions to indirect bullying means.  There are, however, common threads that exist among bullies.  The important question for us today is: why bullies engage in the behavior that they do?  Though there are many different causes and interrelated factors, this week's blog will briefly at two significant reasons.  Despite the way the victims tend to perceive bullying, the causes often have much less to do with them and much more to do with underlying causes within the perpetrator.

Bullying to gain social acceptance and attention

Bullying is systemic. It is not just a dance between two persons.  Our  basic human needs include human interaction and acceptance.  A child who receives the message of worthlessness, verbally or through non-verbal interactions at home or from peers, develops a deficient view of themselves.  This is evident both in family life, but also in the peer group setting of school.  Children desire attention and will do whatever it takes to receive it. Here the cycle of bullying/abuse easily repeats itself.  Those children who are bullied or abused often become perpetrators, themselves.

A wide variety of means to garner appreciation and attention exist.  Some children will isolate and take on the victim role to receive “mercy attention.”  Others push themselves academically, musically, or athletically to receive “accolade attention.”  Still others take on negative attention building roles to receive “punitive attention.”  Bullying is one form of this.  Each of these developed coping mechanisms begins to shape children's identities.  Hence, the bully builds a reputation for being a “bad kid” and comes to figure out who they are in their social world.  For them, having an identity and attention through bullying, is better than being a nobody.

Dr. Dan Olweus identifies a bullying circle that exists, which includes not only the bully and the victim, but the bystanders in school as well.  People inevitably choose sides to one degree or another.  Some children become supporters of the bully, either by silent consent or by active participation.  Some remain silent but side more with the victim.  Others may verbally and physically stand up for the victim, yet this seems to be more often not the case.  Intimidation becomes the socialization mechanism for the bully.  Supporters are gained and the bully takes a central role in the social system.1

Bullying as a position of power

Sometimes the best defense is a strong offense. In order to protect oneself from perceived negative image, the bully will act first to disprove fears about themselves.  This negative view of self is often buried in the subconscious; the more the bullying takes place, the further the negative view of self can be submerged into the subconscious.  The bully repeats aggressive behavior to reinforce this redefinition of self and further distance themselves from their own fears.  All of this is based on a misunderstanding of the concepts of fear and respect, loyalty and leadership.  Often bullies are naturally born leaders without anyone to teach them how to be a leader. 

In a Machiavellian manner, they believe that if others fear them, they have gained respect. This is a means of gaining the loyalty of those around them and promoting their position of power.  However, if we look under the surface of things, fear is driving the car.  By striking fear in others, the bully is able to compensate for themselves. They can have a sense of control over their victim when they feel out of control themselves.  Bullying forms a set of conditioned responses in the victim, so whether their victim responds with passivity or by reacting back, the bully assumes a means of controlling the response of their victims and taking their voice from them.

Children have emotional processes running in the background.  When they are tied to their subconscious understanding of self, those emotions have a powerful force.  Children, just as adults, who are unable to put words on their emotions are much more susceptible to being led by them.  By identifying their emotions and finding appropriate outlets for them, a child gains a clearer understanding of themselves and an increased ability to regulate their behavior. 

Meeting the child's needs

Children need to be met where they are.  Erik Erikson identified the developmental task of children between 6 and 12 as industry or inferiority.  Between 12 and 18, children are trying to develop ego identity.  It is important for parents and teachers alike to recognize that throughout both of these periods, children do not yet know themselves.  Indeed, this is truly a life-long process.  Parents, teachers and peers all play a powerful role in child development.  With this in mind, the question becomes not “if,” but “how” we will help them develop their identity.  To the extent that adults facilitate peer group interaction, they should be aware of the group dynamics and how each child fits into the system.  At this point, the adult is best able to positively direct group interactions for the best interests of each child. 

Combating the bullying child's fears and push for power is difficult, since what needs addressing is being buried consistently deeper by the child.  The bullying is their means of avoiding a painful confrontation of personal thoughts and feelings.  If, as a parent, you begin fearing the development of bullying behavior in your child, take the time to listen to them.  Parents often fail to realize the amount of influence that they can have with their children simply by being a safe person for their child, being trustworthy for their child and taking the time to hear them.  For some children, therapy can be a good opportunity for them to get to their underlying fears and consequently be able to build up, in a positive way, their God-given leadership abilities.   Again, the key to remember is that children are often looking for guidance and are trying to figure out who they are in the world around them.  As adults, we  have the difficult task of helping them develop and finding out who God is molding them to be.

Bullying 201: Empowering the Powerless

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

The child that is consistently picked on at school is rightly considered a “victim,” as they often feel vulnerable to the onslaught of abuse from their peers.  Fear overrides their internal system initiating a fight or flight response.  Those children who remain quiet and pensive in the midst of bullying seem to often internalize the words spoken or actions done to them by the perpetrator.  Instead of being able to build up their ego strength, they begin to believe that they are inherently flawed in their being.  Internal dialogues can begin building a child's self-identity in response to bullying.  “If I weren't such a loser, I wouldn't let them treat me this way.” “Maybe they are right and no one really does like me.”  “I am trash, worthless and can only be safe in isolation by myself.”  The bully begins defining their identity.

Emotional responses exist in conjunction with these cognitions.  Anger begins building toward the offender and even toward those who may give tacit consent to the bullying.  Often teachers, parents and peers discount bullying as simply a “part of life,” leaving the victim to feel even more isolated and misunderstood.  Sadness, anxiety follow quite easily.  They may feel as though they were the scape-goat and the focus of everyone's scorn and ridicule: a lightning rod for shame.  In these instances a child needs reassurance that they are not the cause of their own torment.  They need an advocate for them.

One of the great dangers inherent within bullying is the tendency for the victim to believe lies about themselves and lies about God's care for them: “God doesn't care that I have to go through this every day at school. Nobody cares.”  The more the negative self-image is reinforced through peers and even adults, the more entrenched it will become to the child's self-identity and thus more difficult to break.  In order to combat these lies, the child must be able to see themselves as a valuable image bearer of God who gives them worth.  They also need to know and experience human love which is symbolic of God's love. 

Even the child who chooses to stand up for themselves and talks back or fights back is being shaped by the bullying.  They are learning a survival-based pattern of interaction which shapes their understanding of the world as well as their place within the world.  Importantly, however, both categories of responses: fight or flight, can lead to perpetuating cycles of bullying.  As with cycles of abuse, the victim can easily become a wrongdoer and begin to become a bullier in order to “make up” for the way they perceive themselves.  Recognizing that everyone's heart is capable of the same depths of evil helps to safeguard against this mentality.  The child who is bullied needs to know and believe that the ones who attack them are acting wrongly, and that it is similarly unacceptable behavior for them repeat.

The differences between bullying and abuse are minimal.  Children who are subjected to daily ridicule, physical harm or neglect tend to develop a negative self-image.  When there is bullying at school and any type of abuse occurring in the home, the compound effects can be crippling.  The more factors there are in a child's life which reinforce a negative self-identity, the greater the risk to their well-being.  The student in school who has no friends and is shunned by others is being sent the message that they are unlovable and not worthy of even friendship.  God has created each one of us to be in relationships, not to be isolated individuals.  Help given to the bullied child should include attempts to foster positive social experiences.  Having at least one friend in school can dramatically change a child's experience for the better. 

Bullied children will often carry the “I'm defective” mentality into a therapy room.  Thus it is important for them to be given the chance to lead in the therapeutic process and speak from their own perspective as much as possible.  Group therapy for bullied individuals can be a powerful tool in shaping their world view.  Shared experiences and feelings can provide healing for those suffering from bullying.  They need to know that therapy is not about “fixing” them, but about reinforcing positive messages which equip and embolden them to own the truth and speak it clearly to themselves. “It is not my fault.  I do not have to let them define who I am, and who I will be.  I am a valuable child of God, despite what others might say or do to me.”  Helping a child to come to this place renders the bully powerless and allows the child to regain control of their identity.

Bullying 101

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Many children are all too familiar with the concept of bullying.  They could give you a definition simply by talking about their daily routine.  Bullying has gotten significant attention, especially in the past few years, due to a growing awareness of other forms of aggression that take place via the internet and through cell phones.  The popular movie from 2004, “Mean Girls,” caused many to focus attention on psychological bullying that exists in schools today.  Bullying is much more than  the use of physical force. It can also take the form of  verbalized taunts and threats or be relational in nature such as spreading of gossip or deliberately excluding one person. It can be based on race, gender, sexuality or personality.  Technology has made bullying easier and more convenient.  Consequently, now intimidation and belittling can be done through social media sites, blogs or through bombarding victims with text messages.  Dr. Dan Olweus, who is considered a pioneer in bullying research, has categorized it this way: "A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself."¹  Maybe this definition brings to memory your own childhood or maybe it is something your child is suffering with even now. 

One caution may be helpful to keep in mind.  It is possible to be over vigilant about bullying.  By this I mean that parents, teachers and other authority figures can begin to view everything through the expectation of bullying.  There exists a middle ground between indifference and hyper-sensitivity.  This middle ground ought to be one which does not ignore bullying that occurs, but it simultaneously keeps a realistic attitude towards it happening.   Bullying will take place, because not everything can be seen, but it must be dealt with to the greatest extent possible. This battle can be addressed from multiple fronts. 

1. Caring for the child who is bullied to minimize its impact
2. Working with the perpetrator to decrease bullying behavior
3. Helping parents to help their children
4. Working collaboratively with youth, parents and educators all together to educate and equip  them in proactively preventing bullying

The APA cites a 2001 study done of 15,000 youth from 6th through 10th grades.  This study found that  roughly one in five students reports being a bully or being a victim of bullying “'sometimes' or more.”²   The impact of this cannot be underestimated.  Not only does this affect their day to day lives, but bullying can have serious negative long-term consequences as it affects the individual's self-image.  It is my hope that you will find this month's blog informative and helpful, and that it provides you with tools to handle this difficult issue.

               

1 Olweus. What is Bullying?. Retrieved from http://olweus.org/public/bullying.page

2 American Psychological Association (October 29, 2004). School Bullying is Nothing New, But Psychologists Identify New Ways to Prevent It, Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/research/action/bullying.aspx

Gottman’s Research on Successful Marriages

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

Since 1980 Dr. John Gottman has been gathering research on marital interactions and has proven with 94% accuracy the ones that end in divorce based on the partners’ physiological interactions with one another. The important thing to note in couple problems isn’t “how often they fight” but “how they fight.”  Research was done by observing couple’s heart rates, facial expressions, gestures, fidgeting, sarcasm, contempt, breathing, listening, emotional understandings, and inability or ability to agree on their history and laugh at past hardships.  This research has lead to the identification of dissolved marriages.  Research has also refuted popular myths on marriage busters such as financial, sexual, and compatibility problems leading to divorce, etc.  Gottman’s findings contradict Olsen’s speculation that couples who argue aggressively end in divorce.  Gottman’s evidence is gathered from hundreds of couple “x-ray” tests where he observes them with lie detectors, electrodes, pulse devices, blood flow sensors, and microphones.  Couple disagreements were then observed when they arose.

Not only is this research methodically different, but it remains valid across time per couple that has participated.  Spanning close to three decades and using seventy-nine couples exhaustively, the research has stood the test of premature predictions.  It is important to study these long-term successful relationships.

What is some of the most pivotal information found in his research? 

• Couples need five more positive comments than negative for each other.  (Even couples who have many passionate disagreements thrive when this ratio is kept.)
• Laughter is important in marriages.
• The Four Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse:
• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Withdrawal

Remember that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy marriage, and that these research findings prove that a ratio of five positives to one negative predicts the most important ingredient of hope.  Decreasing the criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal by focusing on the positive is truly life. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. -Philippians 4:8, ESV

Communicate positive interactions with the significant people in your life by speaking them, and writing them on sticky notes and leaving them in surprising locations.  Don’t forget that our facial expressions and laughter screams communication as well.  For more great information on this by Dr. John Gottman, read his book entitled Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: …and How You Can Make Yours Last.

The Power of Positive Affirmation

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

The famous adage, “A child doesn’t remember what you taught them, but they remember how you made them feel” can be applied to a child’s most important teacher – his parent.  When we are worried about our children, it is extremely easy to overly warn, discipline, and communicate areas of needed improvement.  Unfortunately, just as you don’t feel motivated to “perform” for your spouse or friends, or other family members, your child can’t grow best when you constantly point out flaws.  Often when working with adolescents and families, I hear a pattern of parents communicating detailed negative traits about their children while vaguely mentioning positive ones.  Not only does the number of positive interactions need to outweigh the negative, but the detailed natures of each need to be balanced as well.  For instance, we all know how easy it is to go into vivid detail rehashing an offensive behavior, but we seldom overlook how surface, superficial, and lacking in affirmation statements like “ You are such a good kid, I’m proud of your good grades, you’re a sweet person, etc.,”  can be.  Instead consider the difference in the statements above to these more affirming and specific ones:

• You are such a good kid because many have told me how respectful you are.  For instance, Mrs. __________ said….
• Your good grades tell me so much about you.  They tell me that you are dedicated, disciplined, and that you value your future.  Also, they show that you have a respect for learning , knowledge, and others who have traveled down the road of life more than you.
• It is easy to see you are a genuinely sweet person because you are always noticing when a friend is hurt and lending a listening ear.  Also, I’ve seen how you consoled your little sister when she hurt herself yesterday.  You not only……., but you also…… which comforted her.

When we focus with as much detail and energy on the positives in our lives as we naturally do the negatives, it is amazing how much deeper we can keep digging.  Consider how the following verse from the New Testament encourages us to truly think about these positives:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  – Philippians 4:8

Our minds are connected to our heart, and we can’t help communicate what we think.  Your child will certainly remember how you make them feel, and it will motivate them to achieve these affirmations to greater degrees.  Tune in next week to discover how scientific research has proven that these positive affirmations have predicted committed marriages.

Academic Resolutions: From a Teacher to a Teacher

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

Now is an excellent time to evaluate your child’s academic progress and set goals for academic accountability.  Unlike at the beginning of a school year,  many of your child’s teachers are familiar with your child’s aptitude and average performance and might recognize important changes that may have occurred.  Depending on the teacher, you may find out critical behavioral and social information since your child spends a significant period of time at school.  Remember that emotional, social, and behavioral encounters with friends and peers can affect academics significantly.  Often times emailing your child’s teacher with specific questions can be the most time efficient method of communication.   Many times an informal e-mail can produce more candid and efficient results than a formal teacher conference where several adults are gathered and communications can be more filtered and hurried.  If you do not desire to communicate with all of his or her teachers, try to choose one or two that your child mentions the most.  Choosing teachers that your child has more positive and negative interactions with could be beneficial.  Send each teacher an individualized e-mail.  From my experience as a high school teacher and therapist, I have found the following list of questions most helpful:

• Does my child seem to be focused while in class?
• When considering my child’s academic aptitude, is he/she below, above, or on average for his/her grade level?
• Is my child performing according to his/her aptitude?
• Does my child participate in classroom activities?
• Does my child do his or her homework thoroughly? (You will know their grades from their electronic and paper reports.)
• How does my child interact socially with peers?  Is social communication too reserved, too vocal, inappropriate, etc.?
• If you have noticed my child’s social interactions, would you say he or she is socializing with positive peers or negative ones?
• Do you have any suggestions of goals to work on with my child?

When communicating with your child’s teacher, remember to choose a few important questions that don’t overload the teacher with more work than he or she already has.  Thank the teacher for his or her time.  Be careful that you do not accuse a teacher, but instead ask questions that communicate that you desire clarity from an adult’s perspective (if there has been a confusing incident).  Lastly, as with all communications, remember to say something positive about your child’s experience in his or her class if applicable.

Family Reflections and Resolutions

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

Resolutions for the new year are bombarding us on every radio station, television, and magazine advertisement, and for many, it is a time of beating oneself up.  Countless psychologists and studies indicate that the vehicle of lasting positive change is to see and feel achievement -  not discouragement.  In this new year, take the time to access the positive changes, memories, and achievements you have made with your family.  Think of the best memory of the year.  Did it involve quality time, a mini vacation, a teachable moment?  Make a list of the positive outcomes you have achieved as an individual and as a family.  After you have basked in the growth of last year, resolve to add a few realistic goals to better strengthen your current or future goals.  Also, see if your personal  goals and your family goals need more balancing.  You can even make it a family effort by creating a memory time capsule of 2011 which also lists goals for 2012.  Each family member can write his or her own list for each year, and then each member can read it aloud before burying it. This can become a family tradition that you dig up and rebury each year.   Using this as a family devotion with prayer can be a reverent way to thank God for his gifts of grace and also request his guidance in the year to come.  The time to appreciate the blessings of the previous year will also help prepare us for the inevitable heartaches of the new one because it can help us take time to treasure our many and unique blessings before we lose them.