Coordinating Your Dance, Part 2

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Up to this point, this series has focused on understanding the factors within your child and his experience that can impede attachment. Now it’s time to evaluate the part that you, as parents, play in the system of attachment.

Parents, you are one of the two parties involved in the attachment cycle (the other party is your child). This means that you play a vital role in the attachment process. Just as your child does, you have factors within yourself that can facilitate or hinder attachment. Your own attachment style, which was established when you were a young child, affects the ways in which you interact with and parent your children. For this reason, it is important to be open to evaluating your attachment style, which includes a look back at how you were parented.

Self-reflection and openness to change are important as you seek to facilitate attachment with your adopted child. It’s easy to look to a child’s history as the reason for difficulty attaching and much harder to admit that our own tendencies, beliefs, and responses play a part. It is folly to expect healthy attachment with your child if you struggle with attachment issues yourself. In fact, Purvis, Cross, & Sunshine, authors of The Connected Child note:

All parents tend to “pass down” their own attachment style to their baby… In one research study, more than 70 percent of the participants had the same attachment style as their mother and grandmother. Because of this effect, it is unlikely that two insecurely attached adoptive parents will be able to help an attachment-disordered child heal and develop into a securely attached family member (p. 223).

This quote, and the research study it mentions, highlights the importance of the parent’s emotional/mental health. Parents tend to model for their children what they know, and attachment style is no different.

As you openly reflect about the role that you play in the attachment cycle and your own attachment cycle, remember the three roles of an attachment figure: provider, protector, and guide. Consider how seeking professional support and feedback about your own attachment style can work to strengthen these three roles as you interact with your child.