The Workings of an Adolescent Mind...

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

In working with teenagers, I have discovered a few things that I have found interesting and helpful and would love to share them with you in the hope that you might find them interesting and helpful as well.

Adolescents often know that they need to (and occasionally even want to) change their current behaviors, attitudes, etc., but fear that by implementing the needed change, they will be admitting that they were wrong. Especially if everyone else (i.e., teachers, parents, etc.) have been pushing for the desired behavior/attitude. In these instances, commending teens for making these changes can feel like we’re saying, I told you so, or, I was right and you were wrong. We might think that making a big deal about their changing their behaviors would be just the encouragement they need to continue in the right direction. However, this can often cause a set-back in their progress, as the adolescent could feel as though they’ve caved and are only doing what their parents, guardians, and/or teachers wanted them to do. Saving face is important to teenagers. A simple comment of appreciation is all that is needed. Keep it simple. Keep it short. At this point in their lives, the direction of change is more important than its magnitude.

Often, changes are initially made outside of parent’s watchful eye. Again, teens often know that they need to make changes, and might even want to but need to protect their pride. Parents and family members are sometimes the last to see changes that have been made on the adolescent’s part. To do something differently or to change a behavior is something that a teenager has to own if it’s going to be a lasting change.  And teenagers aren’t going to make a lasting change unless they can allow themselves to believe that it was their idea to change in the first place. Some teens believe that unless they are able to solve their problems on their own, it won’t count. Give your child an opportunity to change in a way that feels self-determined. After all, those are the kinds of changes that last.