by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT
Kids are like mirrors… they reflect the emotions of the
adults they live with. Take a moment to consider the implications of this
statement. If the emotional health of your children is so closely connected to
your own, it’s worth evaluating your own emotional health and exactly what you
are sending out to your child.
If you were to pause right now and think of three words to
describe your emotional state over the past 12 hours, what words would you use?
Do your words have happy undertones, like the words joyful, refreshed, relaxed,
inspired, and confident? Or have you chosen words like frustrated, anxious,
irritated, stressed, and discouraged, which reflect sadness, anger, or fear? Whichever
set of words you have chosen, chances are high that your child is experiencing
those same things!
Research in neurobiology (the workings of the brain) has
revealed that our brains are equipped with mirror
neurons. According to Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting from the Inside Out, “Mirror neurons may also link the perception
of emotional expressions to the creation of those states inside the observer.
In this way, when we perceive another’s emotions, automatically, unconsciously,
that state is created in us.” This means that when your children perceive
emotion in you, their brains automatically create the same emotion in them. This
is great when you’re feeling happy and relaxed. But it’s not so great if you’re
in a chronic state of stress or anxiety. Parents who are experiencing chronic
or acute stress, like job stress, financial/economic stress, and/or family
stress (including situations like a divorce or marital strain, the loss of a
loved one, the addition of a new family member, or even the behavioral problems
of a child) should be especially mindful that this stress is being picked up by
the mirror neurons in their children. It’s important to note, also, that such
stress and anxiety is being communicated even if you think you are hiding it.
Stressful situations seem to be a fact of life. While you
may not be able to change the situation, you do have the power to change the
way you are internalizing it, and thereby the way it is affecting your
children. Keep yourself healthy and balanced by practicing self-care. Self-care
is an important, and often overlooked, part of parenting. Simply put, it means
taking care of yourself. Self-care is different for each person, but generally
speaking, it should include meeting your physical needs (like regularly eating
healthy meals and getting enough sleep) and managing your emotional needs by
doing things that help you release and relax. I like to think of self-care as
getting back to who you are, apart from the roles you play and the stresses
that claim your time. It can be tempting to put self-care on the back burner,
but remember the benefits that come with being balanced and having stress and
anxiety under control. Children can only be as healthy as the family that they
live in. Your own emotional health is an important piece of the puzzle!
