It’s All in the Family: The Impact of Parental Health on Kids

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Kids are like mirrors… they reflect the emotions of the adults they live with. Take a moment to consider the implications of this statement. If the emotional health of your children is so closely connected to your own, it’s worth evaluating your own emotional health and exactly what you are sending out to your child.

If you were to pause right now and think of three words to describe your emotional state over the past 12 hours, what words would you use? Do your words have happy undertones, like the words joyful, refreshed, relaxed, inspired, and confident? Or have you chosen words like frustrated, anxious, irritated, stressed, and discouraged, which reflect sadness, anger, or fear? Whichever set of words you have chosen, chances are high that your child is experiencing those same things!

Research in neurobiology (the workings of the brain) has revealed that our brains are equipped with mirror neurons. According to Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting from the Inside Out, “Mirror neurons may also link the perception of emotional expressions to the creation of those states inside the observer. In this way, when we perceive another’s emotions, automatically, unconsciously, that state is created in us.” This means that when your children perceive emotion in you, their brains automatically create the same emotion in them. This is great when you’re feeling happy and relaxed. But it’s not so great if you’re in a chronic state of stress or anxiety. Parents who are experiencing chronic or acute stress, like job stress, financial/economic stress, and/or family stress (including situations like a divorce or marital strain, the loss of a loved one, the addition of a new family member, or even the behavioral problems of a child) should be especially mindful that this stress is being picked up by the mirror neurons in their children. It’s important to note, also, that such stress and anxiety is being communicated even if you think you are hiding it.

Stressful situations seem to be a fact of life. While you may not be able to change the situation, you do have the power to change the way you are internalizing it, and thereby the way it is affecting your children. Keep yourself healthy and balanced by practicing self-care. Self-care is an important, and often overlooked, part of parenting. Simply put, it means taking care of yourself. Self-care is different for each person, but generally speaking, it should include meeting your physical needs (like regularly eating healthy meals and getting enough sleep) and managing your emotional needs by doing things that help you release and relax. I like to think of self-care as getting back to who you are, apart from the roles you play and the stresses that claim your time. It can be tempting to put self-care on the back burner, but remember the benefits that come with being balanced and having stress and anxiety under control. Children can only be as healthy as the family that they live in. Your own emotional health is an important piece of the puzzle!

The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 4

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Myth #4: "A stepfamily is basically the same as a nuclear family."

Most children of divorce will experience a stepfamily or " blended" family within the first five years after their parent's divorce.  Even though the parent who is remarrying may be excited about the future with their new spouse, children usually are not welcoming of their parent's remarriage. They may fight against every effort you make to include your new spouse into the family. For children of divorce, their parent's remarriage is shattering the dreams of biological parents reuniting.   It is important for parents to acknowledge that stepfamilies are very different than the nuclear family they may have experienced. Therefore the expectations and rules will need to look different. It is as different as football is from baseball. Can you imagine if you used the rules of football to play a game of baseball? Or vice versa? It just would not make sense, and it would be pretty chaotic. Stepfamilies can be very chaotic when operating under the impression that blending a stepfamily occurs quickly.

Stepfamilies need time to adjust to all the new changes. There will be new rules, new expectations, new responsibilities, new living conditions, new parenting styles, and many new relationships (step siblings, step grandparents, step parents).  Patricia Papernow in her book Becoming a Stepfamily shares that it takes an average of seven years to blend stepfamilies together. On occasion, when the children are young and the adults work at connecting the family, this process of blending your stepfamily can occur as quick as 4 years.  However, stepfamilies facing various conflict and turmoil can take as long as 9 years to blend. 

Most couples do not enter the marriage believing it will take this long to build a healthy stepfamily. They usually are looking for a "quick, painless blending process" says Ron Deal , author of The Smart Step Family.   Deal compares blending stepfamilies to cooking in a Crockpot. It takes "time" and "low heat (intentional efforts)."

One of the greatest challenges stepfamilies face is the role of being a stepparent. Stepparents often expect their stepchildren to respect them as a parent immediately. Yet children may resent their new stepparent.  In order for a stepparent to build a healthy relationship with a stepchild it requires  spending regular time one-on-one. This more effectively addresses insider/outsider tensions and children’s losses as well as loyal binds the child may feel .   

In Deal's book, The ReMarriage Checkup, he reminds couples it is essential to be on the same page when it comes to stepparenting. The following are the three key guidelines he gives to stepfamilies:

1. Biological parents must pass authority to the stepparent.
2. Biological parents should build trust in the stepparents.
3. Stepparents should move into the relationship and discipline gradually.

Even though children may be resistant at first, a strong stepfamily can be very beneficial to children over time. It can teach them that even though their parents' marriage did not work out, there are second chances in life. The key is to keep the long-term goals for the family in perspective by exercising patience, understanding, and communication. The following are a few helpful resources for stepfamilies:

www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com

The ReMarriage Checkup by Ron Deal

The Smart StepFamily by Ron Deal

The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 3

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Myth #3: “If a new significant other makes me happy, it will make the kids happy too."

Despite how difficult the marriage or the divorce may have been, most divorced parents feel remarriage or a long-term relationship will be a part of their future.  Sometimes this happens sooner than later after the divorce is final. Family and friends may even encourage you to start dating and meeting new people. It appears to be a good idea and may even feel like the right thing to do. Yet for children, there can be some long-term effects to bringing a new person into your child's life too quickly.  

Research has indicated that children of divorce need approximately 3-5 years to heal and adjust to their new life.  But studies show that often men remarry within one year and women within three years after the divorce is final. When this occurs, a child has more life changes and hurt to balance. Following a divorce, children need their parents like never before. They need time to cope and adjust to their new lives. They need support and encouragement that things are going to be okay. They need protection and guidance from additional stressors. "Refraining from serious dating or relationships in the first year after separation gives children and parents the minimum adjustment period. If your breakup is extremely troubling to your child, you might consider waiting even longer" (Neuman, 359).

Even though parents may be excited about the possibility of finding new, affirming relationships, children do not usually share the same excitement.  Some parents even believe that whatever makes them happy will make their child happy too. It sounds good, but it is not true. Despite the age of your child, chances are your child will view your new friend as a replacement for the other parent. Such thoughts will usually trigger significant feelings of loyalty to other parent, anger towards the new friend, fear of the future, and sadness that their parent is moving on in life.

A child's perspective is often very different than what a parent's perspective is when it comes to dating.  Children tend to struggle with four specific areas when they find out their parent is starting to date or wants to introduce them to a new friend.

• When a parent announces they are dating a significant person, children often are faced with the shattered dream that their parents will not get back together. Many children hang on to the hope and dream of their parents' reconciliation even years after the divorce if final. But it is usually when the parent starts dating that the child is faced with the finality of their dreams.
• Often children feel closer to their parents after the trauma of a divorce.  Engaging in a new relationship takes time and energy. Children may lose some of the time they have been able to experience. They may also feel that you are more excited about spending time with your new friend or may even be jealous of the time and attention the new friend is receiving.
• There is a hurtful message children may assume when parents date: "I am not good enough to make my parent happy."  When parents seek companionship, children often feel rejected. After a divorce, the parent-child relationship commonly changes developing a new dynamic.  Even when the child understands the difference between the parent-child love and romantic love between two adults, it still is difficult to not feel good enough when parents start dating again.
• Lastly children struggle with the fear of future rejection. Children of divorce experience several losses. It is difficult enough to heal from the changes that have occurred. When another person becomes a part of their life, it is common for kids to fear the loss of that relationship too.  It is important for parents to be careful when and how they introduce significant others to their children. It is dangerous to introduce every person you may date because children may quickly get attached. Even though adults understand the difference in what constitutes a serious relationship, children are seldom able to understand this.

Now you are probably wondering how to find future happiness in a relationship when it can be so difficult for your child to accept.  There is hope if things are handled slowly and delicately.  Here are some guidelines to making dating after divorce a healthy experience for both you and your child.

1. The first thing that should be done long before you begin dating is to openly dialogue with your child that a time will come when you will starting dating again. Explain to your child that just like she enjoys making new friends and spending time with them, so do you.
2. Timing is everything. Be careful not to introduce your child too quickly to someone you are dating. It is common for children to not know who their parent is dating until the relationship gets more serious. When the time is right for your child to meet the significant other, remember they do not have the same feelings or attachment that you might have. Give them time to get to know the person like you have had time to do.
3. The where, when, and how is a very important thing to consider. When you decide it is time to introduce your child to your new friend, be sure your child is not tired or distracted (at the end of a busy day or after a soccer game). It is best to take place at a pleasant, neutral location. The first meeting should not take place at your home. The meeting should not exceed an hour and a half. For young children, 30-45 minutes is usually all they can handle. If the child is older, choose something age appropriate and centered around doing things they enjoy. It is best not to use family gatherings or special events (birthdays, recitals, etc.) as a first meeting place.
4. Remain sensitive towards your child's feelings when it comes to bringing a guest into the family home. Children need your friend to respect the boundaries of their time with you. It may produce stress and strain if your friend begins stopping by every day after work or spending long periods of time in your home. This can produce uncomfortable feelings of anxiety in children, but they may fear they will hurt or upset you so they will not say anything. Overall children desire for their parents to be happy, but this does not mean children do not have strong emotions or opinions about the changes that are taking place. By recognizing and acknowledging such feelings and thoughts of your child, he stands a greater chance of adjusting in a healthy way to these changes that are occurring in his life.

Neuman, M. Gary. Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastle Way.

The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 2

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Myth #2: “If my former spouse was a “BAD” parent, there won’t be any sense of loss for the kids.”

In families experiencing divorce, the term "bad" parent is often subjective. Usually there is so much hurt and anger between parents they tend to point fingers and bring to the surface the downfalls of each other.  For children, they do not need to be subjected to their parents disagreements and anger. However, children often feel the tension and see themselves caught in the middle.

Both consciously and unconsciously,  parents attempt to pull children closer to them by either becoming overly involved, over- indulging their children, or communicating  negatively about ex-spouse.  Sometimes parents even go as far to share too much information with their child. The boundary between adult information and child appropriateness can get blurry when a parent's anger and hostility towards the other parent takes over.  Some parents can expect their child to take on a surrogate spouse role. This is especially true when the parent feels abandoned or rejected by their ex-spouse. Such dynamics can  lead to emotionally unhealthy expectations placed on the children.

In working with children of divorce, one of the biggest stressors that children face is the feeling of being caught in the middle of their parents. It is very common for children of divorce to feel they need to choose one parent over the other. They struggle with which parent they should pledge their loyalty. By sharing too much information with children, parents are only hurting their children.  Such communication leads to children feeling confused, angry, and overwhelmed.

 Sometimes there already exist a strong middle ground between a parent and their children. If there is a parent who has spent more time with the children prior to the divorce, then children may have a stronger, closer relationship with that parent.  During the divorce, children may feel a closer tie to that parent because of that "middle ground" or connection that was already established prior to the divorce.

Children can be very perceptive. They recognize discrepancy between what one says and what they experience. Divorce is an adult problem between the parents, and children should not feel responsible for adult problems. When asked directly, parents will respond that they do not want their children to experience such feeling, yet the parents' behavior communicates otherwise.

Below are some important tips for parents of divorce to remember in order to help prevent children from being pulled in the middle of their parents' conflict.

• Avoid making negative comments about your ex-spouse to or around  your children.
• Remember most communication is nonverbal and children watch how you communicate about their mom/dad.
• Don't ask children to carry messages to ex-spouse.
• Don't argue or fight with ex-spouse in front of the children.
• Be careful about asking nosy questions when children return from visits.
• Respect your child's feelings towards their parent (positive or negative feelings) and do not attempt to tell them what they should feel.
• Respect your ex-spouse in front of your children!

The Many Myths of Divorce

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Unfortunately the word divorce has become common in the homes of many families.  Perhaps because of the rise in divorce, our society has become desensitized to the lasting effects of divorce on children. Often parents have preconceived ideas about how children cope with their parents' divorce.  I like to call these ideas myths. Over the next several weeks I plan to address some of these common myths that I have seen families of divorce struggle through.

Myth #1: "Divorce will not affect the kids"

Children of divorce face many losses as they go through the changes that come with divorce.  For many children,  divorce causes the same distress as the death of a loved one. They grieve the loss of their family as they knew it, as well as the change in their safety and security.  By the time many parents share with them about the divorce, the parents have accepted the reality of divorce. However for children of divorce they are for the first time faced with the initial feelings of shock and disbelief that their parents are divorcing.  After the initial feelings of shock, they usually experience numerous feelings ranging from feelings of denial that their family is actually changing to feelings of confusion of why their parents have made this decision. Fear, anxiety, blame, and sadness are some of the other feelings that children feel.  Children of divorce also deal with feelings of rejection and anger, especially towards their father.

Adults have been known to say "children are resilient" minimizing the distress divorce causes for children. During the initial stages of separation/divorce, it is important to acknowledge the feelings children are experiencing. Rather than attempting to change the feelings of children, it is best to listen and accept the feelings they are experiencing. As they grieve the loss of their family, they are faced with the reality that they do not have control over the decision of divorce.  When children feel it is safe to share their feelings with their parent(s) about the changes the divorce brings, then they have a greater chance of healthy healing from their losses.

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Communication and Empathy

by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW

Communication

Contact is the process of transmitting meaningful information through touch, emotions, nonverbal gestures, and positive energy. To do this we must know how to communicate.  To communicate effectively, there are several objectives to consider.  Surprisingly there are more non-verbal than verbal forms of communication.

• Eye contact
• Language
• Tone of Voice
• Body Language
• Facial Expressions
• Gestures

The GOAL to communication is MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING.

It is obvious that many of these cannot be accomplished when texting or e-mailing.  Talking on the phone at least allows for tone of voice.  Many times when communication is only through words, there can be a lot of miscommunication.  I’m certain each one of you can recall your own experience with reading an e-mail or text message the wrong way and perhaps ending up in tears over it.  I believe our youth are losing these skills and it is important for parents to model these non-verbal forms of communication and help their children to become aware the importance they play in communication.

Empathy

Once an individual can learn to become mindful, engage their five senses, label their feelings, and communicate then they hold all of the skills necessary to achieve empathy. 

Empathy is the feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity of another person’s experience.

The answer to violence lies within each one of us.

“Our bodies carry the potential for self-knowledge, self-healing, love and compassion.  By reawakening our perceptive skills of feeling, sensing and initiating, we allow the wisdom of the body to emerge, to guide, and inform us.”

“PEACE begins where we live, in our bodies.  By working sincerely and directly with our present bodily felt condition, we can begin to affect our life as well as the lives of others.  When we heal our self, we heal others.” Janice McDermott

References

1. Janice McDermott, M.Ed, MSW and Joan Stewart, MSW, Grand Ideas from Within, 2009.
2. Kimberly A. Schonert-Reichl and Molly Stewart Lawlor, “The Effects of a Mindfulness-Based Education Programs on Pre- and Early Adolescents’ Well-Being and Social and Emotional Competence”.
3. Aysha Schurman, “Ten Effective Communication Skills,” http://www.life123.com/relationships/communication/effective-communication/effective-communication-skills-3.shtml.
4. Elizabeth Scott, M.S., “Communicate: Improve Your Relationships with Effective Communication Skills,” December 10, 2010, http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/healthycomm.htm

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: The Five Senses and Feelings

by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW

Reining in the Senses

“Just as the body is made of food, the mind is made of the sense impressions it takes in.  And just as there is junk food, there are junk experiences and junk thoughts – attractively packaged, but most debilitating for the mind.  Training the senses means that we need to be discriminating about what shows we watch, what music we listen to, what kinds of books and magazines we read, what kind of conversation we listen to.  Every day the senses give the mind a ten-course dinner, and we can add to our energy, our health, and our vitality by not serving it junk thoughts.” Eknath Easwaran

Presence is when we are completely focused in our bodies.  To do this we must engage our 5 SENSES.  It is important that we teach our children about their five senses and assist in helping them become aware of their senses and use them on a daily basis.  This must be achieved before they are able to label their feelings.

Hearing

Smell

Taste

Sight

Touch             

How do you teach them to engage their five senses?  It is actually quite simple.  Here are some examples for each sense that you can do with your child.

Sight: Have them describe what they see when they are looking at a painting or photograph.

Hearing:  Listen to music together and ask them if they can tell what instrument is being played in the background.  Another example would be to go on a nature walk in silence and then discuss what sounds they heard.

Taste:  While eating meals, have them describe the different flavors and talk about which they prefer.

Smell:  Have them recall a smell that triggers a happy memory or perhaps a sad memory.

Touch:  Read a book that is a touch and feel book and have them describe in their own words what they feel.

Feelings

The most important thing to remember about feelings is that they are broken down into four groups – happy, mad, sad, and afraid.  The other is that there are different levels of feelings.  “Good” and “bad” are not feeling words so try to correct your child when they say, “I feel good” and remind them “good” is not a feeling word and perhaps they mean, “I feel happy”.  Here are some feeling words under each category to illustrate the different levels to describe feelings.

HAPPY                        MAD                           SAD                             AFRAID

Cheerful                      Annoyed                      Blue                             Tense

Delighted                    Irritated                       Defeated                      Nervous

Overjoyed                   Outraged                     Miserable                      Alarmed

Ecstatic                       Fuming                        Helpless                        Terrified

Encourage your child to use feeling words and then incorporate the five senses component by asking them, “Where do you feel happy?” or “Where do you feel angry?”

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Mindfulness

by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW

What is mindfulness?  Mindfulness is achieved when we are in a state of complete awareness in the present moment paired with the ability to observe our inner experience without judgment.

• Hindu mindfulness: 1500 BCE
• Daoist mindfulness: 6th c. BCE
• Buddhist mindfulness: 535 BCE
• Christian mindfulness: 530 CE
• Jewish mindfulness: 10th c. CE
• Gestalt Therapy: 1940’s
• Modern Clinical Psychology/Psychiatry: 1970s
• treatment of chronic pain, stress, depression, substance abuse, suicidal behavior, and   family therapy
• Jon Kabat-Zinn developed Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Center at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center: 1979

At this point, you may be thinking that this seems “religious” or too “weird”.  Let’s challenge these thoughts.

Myths: Mindfulness and Meditation

1. It is a religious activity and will conflict with my religious beliefs.
2. You have to sit in lotus position and say “Om”.
3. I’m too busy to be quiet.
4. It will put out the fire of my creativity and ambition.
5. It will surface upsetting information from my subconscious.

Studies on the Effects of Mindfulness

• Improves concentration
• Elevates perceptual acuity
• Decreases stress and anxiety
• Increases academic performance
• Cultivates creativity
• Enhances EMPATHY

So how exactly do you learn to achieve a state of mindfulness?  Learning how to breathe is the first step for many.

BREATHING EXERCISE

Objective: To calm one’s self through proper breathing

• Our muscles HOLD ACCUMULATED STRESS-INDUCED TENSION, the result of our daily environments.
• The FIRST STAGE OF STRESS the body responds with a PANIC, a “FIGHT OR FLIGHT” reaction.
• WITHOUT ENOUGH OXYGEN, we are breathless and our BRAINS OPERATE LESS EFFICIENTLY.  
• Shallow breathing patterns trigger the STRESS RESPONSE cycle (similar to a FEAR RESPONSE), within the sympathetic nervous system, which transmits more stress signals to the breathing mechanism.
• WITH TRAINING in breath awareness and special breathing techniques, we can begin to bring our breathing patterns out of our unconscious and into our conscious control.

Copyright 2009, Janice McDermott, M.Ed., LCSW & Joan Stewart, LCSW

EASY TO IMPLEMENT ANYWHERE ANYTIME

This breathing lesson was taken from Grand Ideas from Within which is a guided imagery program with pre-recorded CDs.  Other examples of guided imagery exercises can be found on Health Journeys website.

References

1. Ronald Alexander, Ph.D., “Four Myths about Mindfulness Meditation,” in The Wise Open Mind, December 2, 2009.
2. Shamash Alidina, posted  in Blog, “History of Mindfulness,” http://learnmindfulness.co.uk/history-of-mindfulness/.
3. Bodipaksa, “The top ten myths about meditation,” May 18, 2007, http://www.wildmind.org.
4. Tobin Hart, “Opening the Contemplative Mind in the Classroom,” Journal of Transformative Education Vol. 2 No. 1, January 2004.
5. Janice McDermott, M.Ed, MSW and Joan Stewart, MSW, Grand Ideas from Within, 2009.
6. Kimberly A. Schonert-Reichl and Molly Stewart Lawlor, “The Effects of a Mindfulness-Based Education Programs on Pre- and Early Adolescents’ Well-Being and Social and Emotional Competence”.

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth: Eye Opener

by Melissa Reynolds, LCSW

Imagine that you have a sixth and eighth grade son and you have made a commitment to be a chaperon for the middle school mission trip at your church.  The students will be performing concerts with song and dance to the homeless and other groups.  They will sing contemporary Christian songs not the traditional music you listened to in church.  You walk into the choir room for the first practice session and there are well over 200 sixth, seventh, and eighth grade boys and girls in one room.  This in and of itself is overwhelming and you begin to wonder what in the world have you gotten yourself into.  The students are on built in risers so they tower over you.  There is a hum of conversation and laughter along with a lot of movement.  The youth pastor addresses the group that it is time to begin.  Practice starts with prayer.

You begin to notice the students are having trouble settling down.  They seem to be distracted and you begin to observe that some are still texting, others are listening to their i-pods, and there is one boy who is actually playing a video game on his phone.  It occurs to you that these kids are having a hard time disconnecting from their outside world.  For the most part, the students were there because they wanted to be and they were “good kids”.  You have two children who are part of this group and had not noticed this behavior before, but now you realize how this age group is so disconnected.  You think to yourself something must be done!

This was actually my own personal experience.  My eyes were opened!  I began to realize this was not good and a bit scary.

Reconnecting our “plugged in” youth

I-pods, cell phones, text messaging, e-mails, facebook, and video games keep us from connecting.  Our youth are so “plugged” into the world that they are disconnected from each other.  Now more than ever they need lessons on how to turn inward to calm the body – to disengage from their busy world and open their MINDS to unlimited possibilities through creativity and their imagination along with finding the PEACE that lies within them.

Communication is not just verbal.  It is also non-verbal including eye contact, tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and gestures.  Full communication cannot be achieved with text messaging and e-mail.  The ability to have Empathy is acquired through the process of communication.  Empathy is the feeling or capacity for awareness, understanding, and sensitivity of another person’s experience.  Do you wonder if we are not creating a generation who will not have the ability to communicate effectively therefore the possibility of little or no empathy.

Where do we begin?  I believe the answer lies within “Heightened Awareness”.  I like to think of it as a pyramid effect similar to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  You have to start at the bottom to make your way to the top.

We shall climb this pyramid together over the next three weeks.

Boosting EQ

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

While it is debatable whether IQ can be changed, it is clear that EQ can be changed. EQ is built and developed through teaching of specific skills, including self-awareness, self-regulation, social skills/awareness, and empathy. Parents are the ideal teachers of emotional intelligence since they walk through so much of life with their children. Here are some ideas for building EQ skills into everyday life.

• Help your child understand his feelings. Ask your child to label what he is feeling in a variety of situations. For younger children, attempt to label what you think they are feeling based on facial expression, body language, and verbal content. Use language like, “It sounds/looks like you are sad/angry/excited/happy.”

• Model good emotional management. Remember that you are a powerful model for your child, and your child is more likely to do as you do rather than do as you say. Step 1 is labeling your own feelings in any given situation, which conveys to your child that you have feelings, too, that feelings are okay, and that they are manageable. For older children, it’s also important for you to identify how their actions affect you; understanding the relationship between their actions and others’ feelings helps develop empathy. Younger children will have difficulty understanding this connection because it’s too complex for their developmental age, so use it sparingly with children under age 5. Step 2 then, is working your feelings out in a healthy, acceptable way. (“I’m feeling frustrated right now and I’m going to take a quiet time in my room to help me relax.”)

• Help your child problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior. When you set a limit on unacceptable behavior associated with your child’s upset, always provide an alternative that is acceptable to you. If your child is hitting his sister, who took a toy away from him, it’s not enough to simply stop him from hitting her. He needs to learn (and practice) managing his upset in an acceptable way. Show him that it’s okay to hit his pillow, jump on his bed, etc. Older children can, and should, be involved in finding acceptable alternatives. Remember that the time for engaging in logical conversation about acceptable behaviors is not when your child is overcome with emotion (experiencing high amounts of emotions shuts down the logical part of them brain). Instead, problem-solve acceptable alternatives during calm, non-stress times so you’ll be prepared when emotions hit.

• Role play it out. Role playing is particularly good for building social skills and assertiveness. Use puppets, stuffed animals, or even your own bodies to role play upcoming social situations or to “re-do” situations that weren't handled in an acceptable way the first time. Make sure to help your child identify his feelings about the event you are role playing.

• Play emotion games. Try involving the whole family to play games that build emotional awareness. If you have younger children, have each family member take turns making a “feeling face” while the other members make the face themselves and guess what the feeling is. For older children, provide a short situation (be creative, they can be funny) and then have the child identify how he would feel in the situation.

The ideas above not only build emotional intelligence, they also build the bond between you and your child. When your child knows and experiences that you accept him and his emotions, he is more likely to share them with you, which builds a closer relationship.

Becoming an Emotion Coaching Parent

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Last week I highlighted the 4 parenting styles noted by John Gottman, Ph.D.: dismissing, disapproving, laissez-faire, and emotional coaching. This week is focused on how to become an emotion coaching parent.

Gottman identifies 5 steps for becoming an emotion coaching parent:

1. Recognize the emotion
2. Increase intimacy with the emotion
3. Listen for and validate the emotion
4. Label the emotion
5. Set limits with emotion

For parents who are currently operating out of a non-emotion coaching style, there is one more step that I believe needs to be added in, and it actually occurs before any of the 5 listed above. Parents who are currently using dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire styles are almost certainly doing so because that was the style demonstrated by their own family of origin. Dismissing and disapproving styles in particular tend to have difficulty tolerating emotion, thus the desire to ignore it or cut it off. In such cases, it is important that the parent first ground himself and separate emotionally from the situation in order to achieve the correct perspective. Separating emotionally simply means recognizing and laying a boundary between the child’s emotions and your own so that your child has the freedom to feel the emotion and you have the freedom not to take it on yourself. Without this important step of caring for yourself, you may have difficulty acting as an emotion coach.

The adjusted steps would look like this:

1. Separate yourself emotionally
2. Recognize the emotion
3. Increase intimacy with the emotion
4. Listen for and validate the emotion
5. Label the emotion
6. Set limits with emotion

Imagine your five-year old daughter begins to cry when you tell her it’s time to leave the playground, then begins to hit you. Here is what it might look like to act as an emotion coach in that situation.

Separate yourself emotionally. You use self-talk to get grounded and realize her emotional upset is her own and that you are not going to take it on yourself, that all emotions are acceptable, and that you can coach her through this.

Recognize the emotion. Acknowledge to yourself that your child is overwhelmed by emotion, and try to guess what it is. Try to imagine what you would be experiencing if you were in the same situation. It’s okay if you come up with multiple ideas; we often experience a mixture of feelings at any given time. In this example, your daughter is probably sad and disappointed about leaving the park and her friends. She may even be angry with you for making her leave.

Increase intimacy with the emotion. Use the situation as an opportunity for strengthening your relationship by connecting on a deeper level. “It’s so hard to leave when you’re having so much fun.”

Listen for and validate the emotion. Use reflective listening to confirm that you’ve heard what your child is saying. Validating emotions does not mean that you agree with them, it simply means you understand how your child is feeling. “You want to stay and play longer. You’re not ready to leave your friend or the slide yet.”

Label the emotion. Use the feeling word(s) you identified above to verbally acknowledge how your child is feeling. “You’re sad that it’s time to leave already.”

Set limits with the emotion. While all emotions are acceptable, all the behaviors that accompany them are not. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and desires but set limits to ensure that safety of the child and others. Try to provide an acceptable alternative when you set a limit. “You’re angry that I said we have to leave the park and you want to hit me, but it is not okay to hit people. You may jump as hard as you want on the ground.”

Becoming an emotion coach takes time, emotional energy, and practice. You will have times of success and times that need improvement. Remember that your ability to act as an emotion coach to your child depends on you successfully managing your own emotions through the process. Consider seeking your own emotion coach if you feel stuck in this area.

What is Your Parenting Style?

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Authoritative. Indulgent. Authoritarian. Disengaged.  Many people are familiar with these descriptors of parenting style, which evaluate the degree of control (high or low) and the degree of acceptance (high or low) that exist between a parent and child. Seemingly less known are the categories of parenting style noted by researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., which evaluate how a parent interacts with the emotions of his child. Focusing on how a parent interacts with his child emotionally is smart because it targets emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as EQ (emotional quotient), is the ability to accurately identify emotion in yourself and others, to manage it appropriately in yourself, to respond to it appropriately in others, and to use information about the emotional climate of situations to inform future decisions. Emotional intelligence is important not only for an individual health, it’s important for relational health. Healthy, satisfying relationships and interactions depend on the ability to understand your own internal world as well as your ability to key into the other person’s. Since familial/parental relationships are the first relationships that children experience, it’s important to assess the extent to which you use EQ in your parenting.

Which of the following of Gottman’s parenting styles describes you?

The Dismissing Style

“Get over it!”

Dismissing parents ignore, avoid, or dismiss emotions that are considered to be bad or messy, such as anger, sadness, fear, and grief. Dismissing parents may also:

• Want the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly
•  Distract the child from his feelings
• Think the child’s emotions are not important
• Be unsure of how to help the child with strong emotions
• Feel uncomfortable when the child is experiencing strong emotions

Children of dismissing parents learn that their feelings are wrong or bad and that their feelings need to be fixed or covered up. They have difficulty regulating their emotions.

The Disapproving Style

“Stop feeling that way!”

Disapproving parents believe that the expression of negative emotions should be controlled, limited in time, and that such expression communicates weakness. These parents may also:

• Criticize the child’s strong emotions
• Discipline the child for emotional expression
• View emotional expression as a means of manipulation
• Are concerned about obedience to authority 

Children of disapproving parents lack the ability to manage their emotions and may internalize the messages of criticism, weakness, and manipulation that they receive, which could result in shame.

The Laissez-Faire Style

“Anything goes!”

Laissez-faire parents communicate acceptance of all forms of emotional expression, regardless of behavior. These parents may also:

• Comfort the child during negative emotions
• Believe negative emotions need to “run their course”
• Avoid setting limits or providing guidance on behavior

 Children of laissez-faire parents lack the ability to regulate their emotions and may have difficulty returning to a calm state when they are upset. They may also have difficulty with social cues and social interactions.

The Emotional Coaching Style

“I understand…”

Emotion coaching parents value and validate emotions but also guide behavior. Characteristics of these parents include:

• Viewing emotional expression as an opportunity for connection and closer relationship
• Ability to tolerate negative emotions
• Respecting the child’s feelings
• Helping the child to problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior during emotional expression

Children of emotional coaching parents learn to trust and accept their feelings while also learning that there are limits on their behavior. They learn how to safely work through their emotions.

Which type of parent are you? If you’ve read through the descriptions above and realized that you are a dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire parent, tune in next week to learn how to change your ways and work toward becoming an emotional coaching parent.

The Power of Positive Affirmation

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

The famous adage, “A child doesn’t remember what you taught them, but they remember how you made them feel” can be applied to a child’s most important teacher – his parent.  When we are worried about our children, it is extremely easy to overly warn, discipline, and communicate areas of needed improvement.  Unfortunately, just as you don’t feel motivated to “perform” for your spouse or friends, or other family members, your child can’t grow best when you constantly point out flaws.  Often when working with adolescents and families, I hear a pattern of parents communicating detailed negative traits about their children while vaguely mentioning positive ones.  Not only does the number of positive interactions need to outweigh the negative, but the detailed natures of each need to be balanced as well.  For instance, we all know how easy it is to go into vivid detail rehashing an offensive behavior, but we seldom overlook how surface, superficial, and lacking in affirmation statements like “ You are such a good kid, I’m proud of your good grades, you’re a sweet person, etc.,”  can be.  Instead consider the difference in the statements above to these more affirming and specific ones:

• You are such a good kid because many have told me how respectful you are.  For instance, Mrs. __________ said….
• Your good grades tell me so much about you.  They tell me that you are dedicated, disciplined, and that you value your future.  Also, they show that you have a respect for learning , knowledge, and others who have traveled down the road of life more than you.
• It is easy to see you are a genuinely sweet person because you are always noticing when a friend is hurt and lending a listening ear.  Also, I’ve seen how you consoled your little sister when she hurt herself yesterday.  You not only……., but you also…… which comforted her.

When we focus with as much detail and energy on the positives in our lives as we naturally do the negatives, it is amazing how much deeper we can keep digging.  Consider how the following verse from the New Testament encourages us to truly think about these positives:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  – Philippians 4:8

Our minds are connected to our heart, and we can’t help communicate what we think.  Your child will certainly remember how you make them feel, and it will motivate them to achieve these affirmations to greater degrees.  Tune in next week to discover how scientific research has proven that these positive affirmations have predicted committed marriages.

Understanding the Importance of Encouragement

by Emily Suggs, LPC

In conclusion of November's blogs, "Understanding Your Child", I felt it important to focus on the importance of encouragement as a part of your child's development. It appears many people think they understand encouragement when they actually confuse encouragement with praise.  In Jane Nelson's book Positive Discipline, she clearly distinguishes between praise and encouragement. Praise is defined as "to express favorable judgment of, an expression of approval, or to glorify, especially by attribution of perfection." Encouragement is "to inspire with courage, or to spur on, stimulate." Praise teaches children to feel worthwhile when others approve or to be dependent on others’ approval, but encouragement teaches children to feel self-confident and how to think for themselves. An encouraging statement recognizes effort and improvement ("You gave it your best" or "Look how hard you worked") whereas a praise statement robs an individual of ownership of own achievements and implies perfection ("You did it right" or "I'm proud of you for getting an A").

For most parents, praise comes more naturally than encouragement. And if you are like me, then you probably thought you have been encouraging your child when in reality you have been using praise. However learning to use encouragement takes intentional practice. I have found a strategy that has been helpful in encouraging children.  The four “crucial C's” is rooted in the philosophy of Adlerian psychology and has been used to help parents nurture and encourage their children towards being successful members of society (Bettner and Lew, 2005). The crucial C's are 1)Connect, 2)Capable, 3)Count, and 4)Courage. Here is how these can be used to help encourage children. Ask yourself if your actions, words, and thoughts towards your child reflect these four areas:

Connect: Do you communicate that your child belongs and has a place in your family just the way they are? A child's family is his first experience with belonging to a group. If the family does not accept them unconditionally then how can they expect others to accept them without judgment? A child's family teaches him about being connected socially with others. Therefore it is very important what messages are communicated about a child's acceptance in the family.

Capable: Do you communicate to your child, "You can do it?" Children need to feel that they capable of accomplishing hard tasks. Never do for your children what they can do for themselves. Encourage them that they are capable of success.

Count: Do you communicate that your child's contribution to your family and society counts? Do you let her know that she can make a difference? Encourage that her dreams and aspirations matter. Encourage her to make a difference in society.

Courage: Do you communicate that it is okay to make mistakes? Or does your own anxiety and perfection hinder you from allowing your child to attempt new task? Children need to feel they can handle what comes. Allowing them to make mistakes and attempt new tasks gives them the courage to face life challenges. But when parents attempt to control all aspects of a child's life then they are actually robbing the child of the ability to develop resilience.

As this blog concludes this four week series, I hope it has equipped, empowered, and encouraged you to better understand your child, as well as to work towards being more attuned to the needs of your child. Remember parenting is hard work!  And takes an intentional, conscious decision to improve our skills as parents.

Understanding How Your Child's Birth Order Affects Behavior

by Emily Suggs, LPC

With kids out of school this week and traveling to visit family for Thanksgiving, chances are you will be around your children more than usual this week.  I always find it interesting to notice how siblings interact with one another during the holidays. The dreaded "sibling rivalry" will leave many parents pulling out their hair and  asking, "Why can't my kids just get along." You may even notice that some of what you are about to read even applies to your own siblings as well. My older brother still claims life was better before I came along and robbed him of being the center of attention. Although as adults we get along great and have outgrown our own sibling rivalry, it is clear how birth order has influenced the roles within our family along with our personalities.

Alfred Adler is known in the world of psychology as the pioneer of the birth order theory. He believed that the order of a child's birth in the family could influence their personality. Although there has been much debate from researchers about Adler's theory it cannot be denied that there are some truths to this theory. By understanding how birth order influences a child's feelings and behavior, a parent will be able to distinguish between normal sibling conflict and ways to address other behaviors in a proactive manner.

The following is a simplified overview of Adler's Birth Order Theory, but is not limited to the information provided.  Along with the birth order information, I have provided a challenge to keep in mind when interacting with your child.

The Only Child

• prefers to be the center of attention
•  likes to be leader or in charge
•  prefers adult company
• verbally articulate and mature
• may become over protected and spoiled

Challenge: Remember they are still a child, not an adult. Be careful not to over indulge or spoil.

The Oldest

• likes to be the leader or in charge
• parents often have high expectations
• overachievers
• very responsible and helpful
• bossy
• feels dethroned by siblings

Challenge: Find opportunities to entrust responsibilities but be careful that your expectations do not cause them to feel inadequate or stressed.

The Second

• competitive, tries to outdo everyone
• can be seen as a rebel
• wants to overtake older sibling
• independent
• expressive and creative
• often initiates sibling rivalry

Challenge: Help them discover their own unique talents and gifts without feeling like they are living in the shadow of the first born.

The Middle

• competitive
• good social skills
• adaptable
• feels forgotten
• even-tempered
• fights for justice

Challenge: Set aside one on one time so you communicate they are not forgotten. Encourage them to embrace their personality and good social skills.

The Youngest

• spoiled
• never "dethroned"
• often gets their way
• irresponsible
•  rule breaker
• charming and adventurous
• wants to be bigger than siblings

Challenge: Be careful not to enable the youngest child. Hold them accountable and empower them just like you would the first born. Be careful not to spoil or over indulge the "baby" of the family.

As you spend the next week with your children, think about how your child's birth order influences their behavior, as well as, the way they see their role in your family. How can you help nurture their role? How can you establish consistency and equality through your interactions with your children? How can you balance your expectations so they do not feel inadequate or forgotten?