Monday, November 21, 2011

Understanding How Your Child's Birth Order Affects Behavior

by Emily Suggs, LPC



With kids out of school this week and traveling to visit family for Thanksgiving, chances are you will be around your children more than usual this week.  I always find it interesting to notice how siblings interact with one another during the holidays. The dreaded "sibling rivalry" will leave many parents pulling out their hair and  asking, "Why can't my kids just get along." You may even notice that some of what you are about to read even applies to your own siblings as well. My older brother still claims life was better before I came along and robbed him of being the center of attention. Although as adults we get along great and have outgrown our own sibling rivalry, it is clear how birth order has influenced the roles within our family along with our personalities.

Alfred Adler is known in the world of psychology as the pioneer of the birth order theory. He believed that the order of a child's birth in the family could influence their personality. Although there has been much debate from researchers about Adler's theory it cannot be denied that there are some truths to this theory. By understanding how birth order influences a child's feelings and behavior, a parent will be able to distinguish between normal sibling conflict and ways to address other behaviors in a proactive manner.

The following is a simplified overview of Adler's Birth Order Theory, but is not limited to the information provided.  Along with the birth order information, I have provided a challenge to keep in mind when interacting with your child.

The Only Child
  • prefers to be the center of attention
  •  likes to be leader or in charge
  •  prefers adult company
  • verbally articulate and mature
  • may become over protected and spoiled

Challenge: Remember they are still a child, not an adult. Be careful not to over indulge or spoil.


The Oldest
  • likes to be the leader or in charge
  • parents often have high expectations
  • overachievers
  • very responsible and helpful
  • bossy
  • feels dethroned by siblings

Challenge: Find opportunities to entrust responsibilities but be careful that your expectations do not cause them to feel inadequate or stressed.


The Second
  • competitive, tries to outdo everyone
  • can be seen as a rebel
  • wants to overtake older sibling
  • independent
  • expressive and creative
  • often initiates sibling rivalry

Challenge: Help them discover their own unique talents and gifts without feeling like they are living in the shadow of the first born.


The Middle
  • competitive
  • good social skills
  • adaptable
  • feels forgotten
  • even-tempered
  • fights for justice

Challenge: Set aside one on one time so you communicate they are not forgotten. Encourage them to embrace their personality and good social skills.


The Youngest
  • spoiled
  • never "dethroned"
  • often gets their way
  • irresponsible
  •  rule breaker
  • charming and adventurous
  • wants to be bigger than siblings

Challenge: Be careful not to enable the youngest child. Hold them accountable and empower them just like you would the first born. Be careful not to spoil or over indulge the "baby" of the family.

As you spend the next week with your children, think about how your child's birth order influences their behavior, as well as, the way they see their role in your family. How can you help nurture their role? How can you establish consistency and equality through your interactions with your children? How can you balance your expectations so they do not feel inadequate or forgotten? 

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