Understanding Your Child

by Emily Suggs, LPC

In working with families, I believe it is essential for to understand the uniqueness of how God created our child.  Every child has been created differently and I feel it is important for parents to embrace that uniqueness. A part of embracing the uniqueness is engaging in a process of discovering your child's personality  and potential.  There are a number of resources that exist which address child development, discipline, and parenting. Over the next four weeks, I plan to use a variety of resources I have used in my private practice  to help equip parents to better understand who their child is and how to embrace their child's strengths and weaknesses.

In the next weeks, I will address four areas.  Most parents desire for their child to grow up to be healthy and successful. Sometimes parents have concerns about whether their child's behaviors (or misbehaviors)  when in reality it falls within the normal range of an healthy individual. Throughout the next few weeks I will even challenge you with "homework" assignments to put some of these concepts into practice.

Week 1:  How can you embrace your child's personality?

Week 2: How can you help your child feel loved?

Week 3: How does birth order influence your child's perspective on life?

Week 4: How can you help my child reach his/her full potential?

There is a variety of research and information about personality development . There are even online profiles and tests that one can take to discover one's specific personality type. However, it is not  quite as easy when it comes to the personality of children. A person's personality can change tremendously throughout a lifetime sometimes due to family or environment influences and other times due to natural growth and development.  Yet I still find it helpful for parenting when you  are able to identify the natural tendencies of your child.

In working with children and families, I use the following four categories and have parents identify which of the following four animals best describes their child?

The Turtle: This personality may come across slow and methodical but they tend to be very analytical and precise. They do things with perfection and expect others not to rush them. They may be satisfied with being alone rather than with large crowds. However when they face stress or conflict, they will retreat to their shell for safety.

The Frog: This personality has lots of energy. They naturally leap through life. They are very friendly as well as outgoing and love being around people. When faced with a challenge, the frog's motto is "it's all good." They are adaptable and active. Although they are happy and fun, their social nature may get them in trouble when they talk too much at school or are constantly jumping from one thing to another.

The Alligator: This personality is what many adults know as the "A" type personality. They are happy as long as things go their way. When they face having to conform to the rules of others, they can become unruly. When embraced, they can be great leaders and very successful. They usually have a plan of how they would like things to be. Challenge that plan and it may be like trying to trap an alligator.

The Dragonfly: This personality lives in the moment. They have strength and power yet prefer peace and harmony. They are often cooperative and show empathy towards others. They can often put others needs before their own as well as worries about pleasing others. Because of this other may take advantage of their cooperative nature leaving them feeling hurt and disrespected.

After reading these descriptions, you may feel your child fits into more than one category. That is extremely common since our personality development is a very complex process.  The basis of providing the four categories is to help parents better understand that many strengths and weaknesses noticed in our children are due to personality types. Even as I am typing, my youngest daughter who has many traits consitent with the "frog" will not leave my side because she does not want to be alone and is talking non-stop.  Through understanding her personality, I know what to expect from her and how God designed her.  By knowing this, there are some specific things parents can do to embrace rather than smother their child's potential.

The Turtle:  The Turtle needs patience and gentleness. Impatience and anger only force her  to withdraw in her shell.  Let her know it is okay to not be perfect and make mistakes. Mistakes are a part of life.  Encourage and teach her to communicate feelings rather keeping them hidden inside.  When others hurt or disappoint her, be sensitive towards her feelings and do not dismiss how she feels. Allow her space or a time out when she needs  to calm down or process a situation.

The Frog:  The Frog is full of life and needs to be allowed to express his energy. By finding ways to allow him to use his energy in a positive manner, he learns to embrace his design. Although the frog can  be frustrating  and overwhelming for his parents with his constant chatter and excessive energy, he is very fragile and sensitive to criticism. The Frog may need to be taught specific skills that come natural for the other personalities. He may need to learn how to relax and calm down as well as self discipline and organizational skills.

The Alligator: The Alligator often rubs people in authority the wrong way. He is often misunderstood. Because his strong willed nature, he is often thought to be disrespecful and rebellious. When in fact he just likes to be the leader and make decisions. Balancing teaching respect and embracing the alligators design is a challenge for most parents. Some parents  feel the best way to tame him is to force him into submission. However, this approach only forces him to be more angry and rebellious. The alligator needs  a firm yet kind approach that allows him to make some choices when appropriate but also teaches him respect for others.

The Dragonfly: The Dragonfly because of its easygoing nature receives a lot of praise for all she does correctly. On the surface this trait appears to be a good thing, but actually makes her self-worth dependent on the approval and praise of others. Because she likes peace and harmony, she may forfeit her own happiness for the approval and happiness of others. This sounds very selfless and healthy when however it is very unhealthy. It is important to equip the dragonfly with the assertiveness to know when and how to take care of her own needs.

Homework for this week: After reading this entry, ask yourself which personality type best describes your child (or children) and look for one way you can embrace your child's personality this week.