Gottman’s Research on Successful Marriages

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

Since 1980 Dr. John Gottman has been gathering research on marital interactions and has proven with 94% accuracy the ones that end in divorce based on the partners’ physiological interactions with one another. The important thing to note in couple problems isn’t “how often they fight” but “how they fight.”  Research was done by observing couple’s heart rates, facial expressions, gestures, fidgeting, sarcasm, contempt, breathing, listening, emotional understandings, and inability or ability to agree on their history and laugh at past hardships.  This research has lead to the identification of dissolved marriages.  Research has also refuted popular myths on marriage busters such as financial, sexual, and compatibility problems leading to divorce, etc.  Gottman’s findings contradict Olsen’s speculation that couples who argue aggressively end in divorce.  Gottman’s evidence is gathered from hundreds of couple “x-ray” tests where he observes them with lie detectors, electrodes, pulse devices, blood flow sensors, and microphones.  Couple disagreements were then observed when they arose.

Not only is this research methodically different, but it remains valid across time per couple that has participated.  Spanning close to three decades and using seventy-nine couples exhaustively, the research has stood the test of premature predictions.  It is important to study these long-term successful relationships.

What is some of the most pivotal information found in his research? 

• Couples need five more positive comments than negative for each other.  (Even couples who have many passionate disagreements thrive when this ratio is kept.)
• Laughter is important in marriages.
• The Four Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse:
• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Withdrawal

Remember that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy marriage, and that these research findings prove that a ratio of five positives to one negative predicts the most important ingredient of hope.  Decreasing the criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal by focusing on the positive is truly life. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. -Philippians 4:8, ESV

Communicate positive interactions with the significant people in your life by speaking them, and writing them on sticky notes and leaving them in surprising locations.  Don’t forget that our facial expressions and laughter screams communication as well.  For more great information on this by Dr. John Gottman, read his book entitled Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: …and How You Can Make Yours Last.

The Power of Positive Affirmation

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

The famous adage, “A child doesn’t remember what you taught them, but they remember how you made them feel” can be applied to a child’s most important teacher – his parent.  When we are worried about our children, it is extremely easy to overly warn, discipline, and communicate areas of needed improvement.  Unfortunately, just as you don’t feel motivated to “perform” for your spouse or friends, or other family members, your child can’t grow best when you constantly point out flaws.  Often when working with adolescents and families, I hear a pattern of parents communicating detailed negative traits about their children while vaguely mentioning positive ones.  Not only does the number of positive interactions need to outweigh the negative, but the detailed natures of each need to be balanced as well.  For instance, we all know how easy it is to go into vivid detail rehashing an offensive behavior, but we seldom overlook how surface, superficial, and lacking in affirmation statements like “ You are such a good kid, I’m proud of your good grades, you’re a sweet person, etc.,”  can be.  Instead consider the difference in the statements above to these more affirming and specific ones:

• You are such a good kid because many have told me how respectful you are.  For instance, Mrs. __________ said….
• Your good grades tell me so much about you.  They tell me that you are dedicated, disciplined, and that you value your future.  Also, they show that you have a respect for learning , knowledge, and others who have traveled down the road of life more than you.
• It is easy to see you are a genuinely sweet person because you are always noticing when a friend is hurt and lending a listening ear.  Also, I’ve seen how you consoled your little sister when she hurt herself yesterday.  You not only……., but you also…… which comforted her.

When we focus with as much detail and energy on the positives in our lives as we naturally do the negatives, it is amazing how much deeper we can keep digging.  Consider how the following verse from the New Testament encourages us to truly think about these positives:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  – Philippians 4:8

Our minds are connected to our heart, and we can’t help communicate what we think.  Your child will certainly remember how you make them feel, and it will motivate them to achieve these affirmations to greater degrees.  Tune in next week to discover how scientific research has proven that these positive affirmations have predicted committed marriages.