The Many Myths of Divorce: Part 4

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Myth #4: "A stepfamily is basically the same as a nuclear family."

Most children of divorce will experience a stepfamily or " blended" family within the first five years after their parent's divorce.  Even though the parent who is remarrying may be excited about the future with their new spouse, children usually are not welcoming of their parent's remarriage. They may fight against every effort you make to include your new spouse into the family. For children of divorce, their parent's remarriage is shattering the dreams of biological parents reuniting.   It is important for parents to acknowledge that stepfamilies are very different than the nuclear family they may have experienced. Therefore the expectations and rules will need to look different. It is as different as football is from baseball. Can you imagine if you used the rules of football to play a game of baseball? Or vice versa? It just would not make sense, and it would be pretty chaotic. Stepfamilies can be very chaotic when operating under the impression that blending a stepfamily occurs quickly.

Stepfamilies need time to adjust to all the new changes. There will be new rules, new expectations, new responsibilities, new living conditions, new parenting styles, and many new relationships (step siblings, step grandparents, step parents).  Patricia Papernow in her book Becoming a Stepfamily shares that it takes an average of seven years to blend stepfamilies together. On occasion, when the children are young and the adults work at connecting the family, this process of blending your stepfamily can occur as quick as 4 years.  However, stepfamilies facing various conflict and turmoil can take as long as 9 years to blend. 

Most couples do not enter the marriage believing it will take this long to build a healthy stepfamily. They usually are looking for a "quick, painless blending process" says Ron Deal , author of The Smart Step Family.   Deal compares blending stepfamilies to cooking in a Crockpot. It takes "time" and "low heat (intentional efforts)."

One of the greatest challenges stepfamilies face is the role of being a stepparent. Stepparents often expect their stepchildren to respect them as a parent immediately. Yet children may resent their new stepparent.  In order for a stepparent to build a healthy relationship with a stepchild it requires  spending regular time one-on-one. This more effectively addresses insider/outsider tensions and children’s losses as well as loyal binds the child may feel .   

In Deal's book, The ReMarriage Checkup, he reminds couples it is essential to be on the same page when it comes to stepparenting. The following are the three key guidelines he gives to stepfamilies:

1. Biological parents must pass authority to the stepparent.
2. Biological parents should build trust in the stepparents.
3. Stepparents should move into the relationship and discipline gradually.

Even though children may be resistant at first, a strong stepfamily can be very beneficial to children over time. It can teach them that even though their parents' marriage did not work out, there are second chances in life. The key is to keep the long-term goals for the family in perspective by exercising patience, understanding, and communication. The following are a few helpful resources for stepfamilies:

www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com

The ReMarriage Checkup by Ron Deal

The Smart StepFamily by Ron Deal