What is Your Parenting Style?

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Authoritative. Indulgent. Authoritarian. Disengaged.  Many people are familiar with these descriptors of parenting style, which evaluate the degree of control (high or low) and the degree of acceptance (high or low) that exist between a parent and child. Seemingly less known are the categories of parenting style noted by researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., which evaluate how a parent interacts with the emotions of his child. Focusing on how a parent interacts with his child emotionally is smart because it targets emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as EQ (emotional quotient), is the ability to accurately identify emotion in yourself and others, to manage it appropriately in yourself, to respond to it appropriately in others, and to use information about the emotional climate of situations to inform future decisions. Emotional intelligence is important not only for an individual health, it’s important for relational health. Healthy, satisfying relationships and interactions depend on the ability to understand your own internal world as well as your ability to key into the other person’s. Since familial/parental relationships are the first relationships that children experience, it’s important to assess the extent to which you use EQ in your parenting.

Which of the following of Gottman’s parenting styles describes you?

The Dismissing Style

“Get over it!”

Dismissing parents ignore, avoid, or dismiss emotions that are considered to be bad or messy, such as anger, sadness, fear, and grief. Dismissing parents may also:

• Want the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly
•  Distract the child from his feelings
• Think the child’s emotions are not important
• Be unsure of how to help the child with strong emotions
• Feel uncomfortable when the child is experiencing strong emotions

Children of dismissing parents learn that their feelings are wrong or bad and that their feelings need to be fixed or covered up. They have difficulty regulating their emotions.

The Disapproving Style

“Stop feeling that way!”

Disapproving parents believe that the expression of negative emotions should be controlled, limited in time, and that such expression communicates weakness. These parents may also:

• Criticize the child’s strong emotions
• Discipline the child for emotional expression
• View emotional expression as a means of manipulation
• Are concerned about obedience to authority 

Children of disapproving parents lack the ability to manage their emotions and may internalize the messages of criticism, weakness, and manipulation that they receive, which could result in shame.

The Laissez-Faire Style

“Anything goes!”

Laissez-faire parents communicate acceptance of all forms of emotional expression, regardless of behavior. These parents may also:

• Comfort the child during negative emotions
• Believe negative emotions need to “run their course”
• Avoid setting limits or providing guidance on behavior

 Children of laissez-faire parents lack the ability to regulate their emotions and may have difficulty returning to a calm state when they are upset. They may also have difficulty with social cues and social interactions.

The Emotional Coaching Style

“I understand…”

Emotion coaching parents value and validate emotions but also guide behavior. Characteristics of these parents include:

• Viewing emotional expression as an opportunity for connection and closer relationship
• Ability to tolerate negative emotions
• Respecting the child’s feelings
• Helping the child to problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior during emotional expression

Children of emotional coaching parents learn to trust and accept their feelings while also learning that there are limits on their behavior. They learn how to safely work through their emotions.

Which type of parent are you? If you’ve read through the descriptions above and realized that you are a dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire parent, tune in next week to learn how to change your ways and work toward becoming an emotional coaching parent.