The Many Myths of Divorce

by Emily Suggs, LPC

Unfortunately the word divorce has become common in the homes of many families.  Perhaps because of the rise in divorce, our society has become desensitized to the lasting effects of divorce on children. Often parents have preconceived ideas about how children cope with their parents' divorce.  I like to call these ideas myths. Over the next several weeks I plan to address some of these common myths that I have seen families of divorce struggle through.

Myth #1: "Divorce will not affect the kids"

Children of divorce face many losses as they go through the changes that come with divorce.  For many children,  divorce causes the same distress as the death of a loved one. They grieve the loss of their family as they knew it, as well as the change in their safety and security.  By the time many parents share with them about the divorce, the parents have accepted the reality of divorce. However for children of divorce they are for the first time faced with the initial feelings of shock and disbelief that their parents are divorcing.  After the initial feelings of shock, they usually experience numerous feelings ranging from feelings of denial that their family is actually changing to feelings of confusion of why their parents have made this decision. Fear, anxiety, blame, and sadness are some of the other feelings that children feel.  Children of divorce also deal with feelings of rejection and anger, especially towards their father.

Adults have been known to say "children are resilient" minimizing the distress divorce causes for children. During the initial stages of separation/divorce, it is important to acknowledge the feelings children are experiencing. Rather than attempting to change the feelings of children, it is best to listen and accept the feelings they are experiencing. As they grieve the loss of their family, they are faced with the reality that they do not have control over the decision of divorce.  When children feel it is safe to share their feelings with their parent(s) about the changes the divorce brings, then they have a greater chance of healthy healing from their losses.