Coordinating Your Dance

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Here are some tips for building attachment with your adopted child. Remember that an attachment figure acts as a protector, provider, and guide. The tips below are designed with those roles in mind. See if you can identify which role(s) are being reinforced in each. In addition, it is important to evaluate the manner in which you approach these roles. No one wants a guide who is harsh, a provider who is resentful, or a protector who is dismissive. Seek to be loving and compassionately curious as you interact with your child.

• Create predictable routines throughout your day, especially for meal time, bed time, and wake time. Incorporate several relaxing, relationship building activities into the nighttime routine, like reading and singing together.

• Respect your child’s physical boundaries. For children who are verbal, ask permission before initiating physical contact, like hugging or kissing.

• Advocate for your child. This means speaking for your child when he is not able to voice his own needs. Examples include asking family members to respect your child’s physical boundaries, speaking with your child’s school to ensure he is receiving special education (for learning difficulties or giftedness), and pursuing professional services (medical or mental health) as needed.

• Provide a place in your home for your child to decompress when emotions or experiences become overwhelming.

• Communicate curiosity, rather than frustration, about your child’s choices and preferences. Ask questions such as “What helped you to choose that?” or “What do you like best about that?”

• Spend time playing with your child. Allow your child to lead and direct the play.

Some parents will have an easier time building attachment with their child than other parents will. Some parents will find that even employing attachment building activities, such as the above, is difficult for them. Why do some parents have more difficulty than others? The child’s early experiences and brain biology most certainly come into play here. But another person’s early experiences and brain biology influence the equation, too. That’s right, parents, your attachment style influences your ability to connect with and attach to your child (and to your spouse, too, but that’s a different post). More on this next time.