The Workings of an Adolescent Mind... Part 2

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

Adolescents often show their parents the worst parts of themselves because they 1.) Need to see if your love is unconditional, and 2.) Don't necessarily feel safe enough to show that part of them to anyone else. If they're upset about something that's going on with their peers, they'll often take that out on their family because they aren't sure that their friends will love them after the storm has passed. They know that their family will. This can and will be a difficult time for you and them. If your teen is engaging in this type of behavior, invite them to talk with you about what is going on. Even in saying that, it should be noted that parents or guardians are often the last people that adolescents want to talk to about their feelings and/or problems. It doesn’t matter that you know and understand how they feel nor does it matter that you more than likely have an abundance of wisdom on whatever subject they bring up. After all, they are a part of you. But they’re also very different from you and that’s good. The development of autonomy is an important part of adolescence. It’s good to ask questions and to be available to talk with them and to listen, but pushing them to talk to you about their world usually will not bring about the results you are looking for. Ask, and ask often but don’t push. It might be that they're being honest about you actually getting on their nerves. Listen and be respectful. Try to find a compromise.

The Workings of an Adolescent Mind...

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

In working with teenagers, I have discovered a few things that I have found interesting and helpful and would love to share them with you in the hope that you might find them interesting and helpful as well.

Adolescents often know that they need to (and occasionally even want to) change their current behaviors, attitudes, etc., but fear that by implementing the needed change, they will be admitting that they were wrong. Especially if everyone else (i.e., teachers, parents, etc.) have been pushing for the desired behavior/attitude. In these instances, commending teens for making these changes can feel like we’re saying, I told you so, or, I was right and you were wrong. We might think that making a big deal about their changing their behaviors would be just the encouragement they need to continue in the right direction. However, this can often cause a set-back in their progress, as the adolescent could feel as though they’ve caved and are only doing what their parents, guardians, and/or teachers wanted them to do. Saving face is important to teenagers. A simple comment of appreciation is all that is needed. Keep it simple. Keep it short. At this point in their lives, the direction of change is more important than its magnitude.

Often, changes are initially made outside of parent’s watchful eye. Again, teens often know that they need to make changes, and might even want to but need to protect their pride. Parents and family members are sometimes the last to see changes that have been made on the adolescent’s part. To do something differently or to change a behavior is something that a teenager has to own if it’s going to be a lasting change.  And teenagers aren’t going to make a lasting change unless they can allow themselves to believe that it was their idea to change in the first place. Some teens believe that unless they are able to solve their problems on their own, it won’t count. Give your child an opportunity to change in a way that feels self-determined. After all, those are the kinds of changes that last.