Discipline and ADHD

by Emily Suggs, LPC

“Fathers, do not exasperate, but bring them up in the training and teaching of the Lord.” Eph. 6:4

Last week I shared the roles parents play in the life of their child with ADHD. This week let’s discuss discipline. There are different viewpoints on how children should be disciplined.  This blog is not a debate regarding which form of discipline is correct; rather, it is focused on understanding how to distinguish normal childhood misbehavior from ADHD symptoms.

When working with parents whose child has been diagnosed with ADHD, the most common questions I receive have to do with discipline. Discipline is a true balancing act when it comes to children with ADHD. It is often difficult for parents to know the best means of discipline as well as what behaviors to discipline. To help distinguish misbehavior from ADHD symptoms, I am going to take a moment to share about misbehavior. Rudolph Dreikurs, a child psychiatrist, proposed that children misbehave for four reasons: 1) to gain attention, 2) to gain power and control, 3) to gain revenge, and 4) to display feelings of inadequacy.  Misbehavior is a normal part of childhood development. Children are learning which behaviors are acceptable and which behaviors are not.

When thinking about what behaviors to discipline, it is important to distinguish between ADHD symptoms and misbehavior.  Often parents feel guilty when they discipline their child for behaviors that are truly connected to ADHD, such as hyperactivity, poor attention span, and impulsive behavior. Misbehaviors that generally fall outside the realm of ADHD symptoms are behaviors such as defiance towards authority, disrespect, anger outburst, and manipulative/testing tactics. Although these behaviors can be a result of a child’s emotions or frustrations in dealing with the symptoms of ADHD, sometimes their misbehavior is trying to accomplish one of the four goals mentioned previously.  Often it is next to impossible to determine ADHD behaviors from misbehavior. When trying to determine what is taking place, analyze the goal your child was trying to accomplish. Was he trying to get revenge on his brother or was it an impulsive decision, or was it both? Once the purpose of the misbehavior is determined, then parents will know better how to discipline.

If the purpose of your child’s behavior is due to one of the goals of misbehavior, then it is important to address how you can teach them better ways to accomplish these goals.  Setting limits and following through with discipline is essential. Children with ADHD quickly learn what they can and cannot get by with when it comes to misbehavior.  John’s mom tells him to go to his room, put on his pajamas, and get in bed. Thirty minutes later John has done none of these three. John’s mom is furious….but what is John’s misbehavior due to? The more John’s mom understands about misbehavior and the symptoms of ADHD then she will be able to determine a solution to such a problem.  Children usually cannot communicate the purpose or goal of their behavior. However the more you learn about how ADHD affects your child’s behavior, the more effectively you will be able to discipline. Children with ADHD have difficulty following multiple tasks (go to room, put on pajamas, and get in bed), staying on task, not getting side-tracked, and completing more than one task at a time. But if John shares his purpose was because he did not want to go to bed then you are dealing with misbehavior (power/control). It is also important to know the personality of your child. If your child is strong-willed then you may have a harder time distinguishing between ADHD symptoms and misbehavior. But if your child is normally cooperative but easily gets side tracked or has trouble completing task, then you know his true intention is not to misbehave.

Because a child with ADHD already struggles with low self-esteem, it is important to handle discipline in a respectful manner.  Embarrassing your child by disciplining them in a public sector only increases the internal struggle they face. It is also hurtful to discuss your child’s misbehavior in front of them with others like teachers, therapists, doctors, or family. Children have reported they feel shamed and embarrassed when parents communicate in this manner.  However it is necessary to be consistent with discipline and to follow through with discipline strategies. Otherwise it is only an empty threat and behaviors will usually increase.  Establish a routine of what is expected when in public situations, such as the grocery store or a restaurant and the consequences following if misbehavior becomes a problem.  Be realistic about what to expect when in specific situations. Children with ADHD can become over stimulated by loud noises, bright colors, upbeat music, and large crowds. When taking your child to an environment that includes one or all of these, be realistic about what you can expect from your child. The same is true with environments that require your child’s undivided attention.  When at home, establish rules and guidelines regarding your expectations. Use strategies to like discussed in week 2 to help your child complete tasks in a timely manner as well as to hold them accountable for staying on task. Bedtime is a difficult time. Allow extra time to help your child wind down and relax at bedtime. Use books, music, or talk time to help them slow down their little brains.

Addressing Misbehavior:

1. Gaining Attention: Ignore attention seeking behaviors and direct your child to alternative ways of gaining positive attention. Children with ADHD sometimes struggle with social situations. They have trouble reading social cues and respecting personal boundaries/space. In social situations, your child might resort to misbehavior (also known as “the class clown”) to get attention and acceptance from peers. Equip your child with positive ways to make friends and get accepted by peers.
2. Gaining Power and Control: Avoid power struggles! We have all heard the statement “pick your battles wisely.” When addressing power and control issues, be very wise, especially since conflict can easily escalate and in the end who usually ends up angry and agitated- the parent! There are multiple reasons children attempt to gain power and control, but in the end, the key is to not allow them to pull you in a power struggle.
   
3. Revenge: At the root of revenge is hurt. Like power and control, do not engage in a battle that will end only end in anger and frustration. Even though children with ADHD tend to get in trouble over and over for the same behaviors, it does not change the fact that they are very sensitive to criticism. This hurt can lead to them acting out to get revenge.
4. Inadequacy or Helplessness: Children with ADHD have shared with me that they feel different than their peers because the symptoms keep them in trouble. They know when teachers and parents are frustrated because they cannot complete their school work or stop talking during class. Due to these feelings, children feel discouraged or helpless. Children with ADHD need lots of encouragement and empowering to accomplish tasks.

The best way to discipline is to be proactive. If you establish guidelines and communicate these clearly, it will address not only the misbehavior but also the ADHD symptoms that often frustrate parents. Unfortunately there is not a magic solution to solving the discipline dilemma when it comes to ADHD. It takes patience, understanding, and consistency to help alleviate behaviors that can easily get out of control. The following are some guidelines to establish in your home.

1. Provide Consistency and Structure: Keep things simple and do not over explain. Children with ADHD find arguing stimulating therefore they will thrive when you try to engage in an argument or to explain reasoning.  A great discipline approach for children with ADHD is 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. He addresses this very issue and gives clear approaches to addressing misbehavior.
2. Establish Clear Standards and Rules: Parents who have children with ADHD often let them get away with misbehavior because they think they cannot control it. This is not true. Let your “No” mean no and your “Yes” mean yes.  If they think they can persuade you otherwise, they will continue to badger you.
3. Have High Expectations: This means you as the parent have to work harder to equip your child to be prepared for whatever challenge comes their way. This does not mean you give up on what your child can accomplish because they have been diagnosed ADHD.
4. Teach Your Child to Behave: Positive reinforcement teaches positive behaviors. Children with ADHD have to worker harder to learn impulse and self control. It will not happen overnight, but if they are taught right from wrong then as they mature they will learn to be successful in life.

ADHD: What Every Parent Needs to Know by Michael Reiff, MD

“Making Child Therapy Work” by Robin Walker, MFT

“Training Lions and Tigers: Discipline and Children with Disabilities” by Pete Wright, Esq.