Making Sense of Your Child's Grief, Part 1

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

The stoics of ancient Greece attempted to brace themselves from all suffering. They taught that emotions must be overcome by accepting whatever happens in life. Peace and happiness are found in taking whatever life gives you, whether good or bad, with indifference. We have learned through time that repression of emotions is an unhealthy means of coping with pain, yet too often this stoic attitude shows up in our own culture today, praising fortitude in the face of hardship while belittling  weakness.

In an ideal world, there would be no sadness, anger, pain or loss. Suffering, though is the horrible reality that we all share in. The nature of grief is such that no two people exhibit the exact same range of symptoms when handling crises. Children who experience situations which are beyond their control, often respond in a different manner than adults. Several variables which play a role in the child's grief response include:

• intensity of the experience
• duration of the experience
• age of the child
• personality and uniqueness of the child
• responses of adults around them to the situation

  

From a very young age children can have experiential memories embedded in their minds. These recurring images can produce lasting noticeable effects in their behavior. Others, however, may display little or no noticeable difference in the aftermath of a traumatic event or loss. Still others may initially show no signs, but only months later may exhibit symptoms. Such a wide range of responses can often leave a parent wondering: “What is going on with my child?” Especially in situations of delayed grief, it is much harder to pinpoint the cause of emotional distress.

Grief is a process and manifests itself as a range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors. The younger the child, the less likely they will be to cognitively grasp the reality of a situation. It is important for parents to realize that their children see the world through a different set of eyes. Children do not inherently know how to respond to grief, thus parents can help their children by maintaining curiosity about how their specific child sees the world and showing active interest in the things they value.

 

Because children have fewer emotional categories from which to operate, when difficult circumstances arise, they lack the ability to fully process what is taking place not only with external events, but also within their internal self. This inability to process can result in emotional frustrations and behavioral changes as a child loses a sense of control through the experience of loss. Parents can help their children by explicitly affirming those losses that their child experiences, rather than avoiding or minimizing their child's pain. Parents can also help to normalize grief for their child by showing genuine value for their loss. Moving away from stoicism to embracing and understanding human emotions helps us to in guiding children to make sense of their world and recover from their loss.