Making Sense of Your Child's Grief, Part 3: Creating a Safe Environment

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Without safety, vulnerability is difficult. For both children and adults to truly grieve, they need to feel freedom to express the emotions that attend pain. Let's take a moment and think about what safety is. A secure child does not fear external threats because there is a strong defensive wall outside of them ensuring their protection. Safety is environmental in nature. When we lose something or someone we value, we experience a loss of personal security and control. Our world is invaded and forever changed. In response to this, it is not uncommon for children to build a wall for themselves to protect their emotions. By doing this, they are trying to take back the control they had in their lives that was taken from them. No longer will they allow anything to hurt them.

Parents have a tremendous opportunity to free their children from having to build their own protective walls. An immediate step in building this safe atmosphere is being a safe resource figure. Parents exemplifying a sense of peace, calmness and hope provide a solid foundation for a grieving child. Respect their need for privacy by not forcing by not forcing them talk about what is going on. Is it okay for them to be sad? We cannot force another person to feel happy. Our heads and hearts can be in two different places. We want to feel joy, but our hearts are not there during grief. Allowing others to be where they are emotionally lets them know that they are free to feel the sadness that is there and let down their defenses when they feel safe. Being forced to speak about their experiences can increase defensiveness, but just being present with them in the midst of their suffering assures them that you know they are hurting and that their pain matters. When the environment feels safe to them, children will often open up, but it may take time and that's okay.

If possible, minimize additional stressors for them. The more things that we have to deal with the greater the difficulty there is in dealing with each one. Also, the more you are able to establish a routine at home, the more predictable and secure life becomes for children. Children thrive in an environment of structure and consistency. Some may try to give a false sense of security to their child by telling half-truths about what happened or by making promises that are impossible to guarantee keeping. Saying “everything will be okay,” or “it will all turn out for the best,” may or may not be true. While the intentions are good (it usually is aimed at bringing happiness to the one in suffering), the security ends up being false, and it tends to belittle the grief. However, the most difficult aspect of providing security for children may come when a parent is suffering from a loss also or are undergoing significant life stressors themselves.