by Chris Shaw, MAMFT
The child that is consistently picked on at school is rightly considered a “victim,” as they often feel vulnerable to the onslaught of abuse from their peers. Fear overrides their internal system initiating a fight or flight response. Those children who remain quiet and pensive in the midst of bullying seem to often internalize the words spoken or actions done to them by the perpetrator. Instead of being able to build up their ego strength, they begin to believe that they are inherently flawed in their being. Internal dialogues can begin building a child's self-identity in response to bullying. “If I weren't such a loser, I wouldn't let them treat me this way.” “Maybe they are right and no one really does like me.” “I am trash, worthless and can only be safe in isolation by myself.” The bully begins defining their identity.
Emotional responses exist in conjunction with these cognitions. Anger begins building toward the offender and even toward those who may give tacit consent to the bullying. Often teachers, parents and peers discount bullying as simply a “part of life,” leaving the victim to feel even more isolated and misunderstood. Sadness, anxiety follow quite easily. They may feel as though they were the scape-goat and the focus of everyone's scorn and ridicule: a lightning rod for shame. In these instances a child needs reassurance that they are not the cause of their own torment. They need an advocate for them.
One of the great dangers inherent within bullying is the tendency for the victim to believe lies about themselves and lies about God's care for them: “God doesn't care that I have to go through this every day at school. Nobody cares.” The more the negative self-image is reinforced through peers and even adults, the more entrenched it will become to the child's self-identity and thus more difficult to break. In order to combat these lies, the child must be able to see themselves as a valuable image bearer of God who gives them worth. They also need to know and experience human love which is symbolic of God's love.
Even the child who chooses to stand up for themselves and talks back or fights back is being shaped by the bullying. They are learning a survival-based pattern of interaction which shapes their understanding of the world as well as their place within the world. Importantly, however, both categories of responses: fight or flight, can lead to perpetuating cycles of bullying. As with cycles of abuse, the victim can easily become a wrongdoer and begin to become a bullier in order to “make up” for the way they perceive themselves. Recognizing that everyone's heart is capable of the same depths of evil helps to safeguard against this mentality. The child who is bullied needs to know and believe that the ones who attack them are acting wrongly, and that it is similarly unacceptable behavior for them repeat.
The differences between bullying and abuse are minimal. Children who are subjected to daily ridicule, physical harm or neglect tend to develop a negative self-image. When there is bullying at school and any type of abuse occurring in the home, the compound effects can be crippling. The more factors there are in a child's life which reinforce a negative self-identity, the greater the risk to their well-being. The student in school who has no friends and is shunned by others is being sent the message that they are unlovable and not worthy of even friendship. God has created each one of us to be in relationships, not to be isolated individuals. Help given to the bullied child should include attempts to foster positive social experiences. Having at least one friend in school can dramatically change a child's experience for the better.
Bullied children will often carry the “I'm defective” mentality into a therapy room. Thus it is important for them to be given the chance to lead in the therapeutic process and speak from their own perspective as much as possible. Group therapy for bullied individuals can be a powerful tool in shaping their world view. Shared experiences and feelings can provide healing for those suffering from bullying. They need to know that therapy is not about “fixing” them, but about reinforcing positive messages which equip and embolden them to own the truth and speak it clearly to themselves. “It is not my fault. I do not have to let them define who I am, and who I will be. I am a valuable child of God, despite what others might say or do to me.” Helping a child to come to this place renders the bully powerless and allows the child to regain control of their identity.
No comments:
Post a Comment