by Chris Shaw, MAMFT
Confronting the current situation of bullying in schools is becoming increasingly difficult. The movement seems to be away from direct interactions to indirect bullying means. There are, however, common threads that exist among bullies. The important question for us today is: why bullies engage in the behavior that they do? Though there are many different causes and interrelated factors, this week's blog will briefly at two significant reasons. Despite the way the victims tend to perceive bullying, the causes often have much less to do with them and much more to do with underlying causes within the perpetrator.
Bullying to gain social acceptance and attention
Bullying is systemic. It is not just a dance between two persons. Our basic human needs include human interaction and acceptance. A child who receives the message of worthlessness, verbally or through non-verbal interactions at home or from peers, develops a deficient view of themselves. This is evident both in family life, but also in the peer group setting of school. Children desire attention and will do whatever it takes to receive it. Here the cycle of bullying/abuse easily repeats itself. Those children who are bullied or abused often become perpetrators, themselves.
A wide variety of means to garner appreciation and attention exist. Some children will isolate and take on the victim role to receive “mercy attention.” Others push themselves academically, musically, or athletically to receive “accolade attention.” Still others take on negative attention building roles to receive “punitive attention.” Bullying is one form of this. Each of these developed coping mechanisms begins to shape children's identities. Hence, the bully builds a reputation for being a “bad kid” and comes to figure out who they are in their social world. For them, having an identity and attention through bullying, is better than being a nobody.
Dr. Dan Olweus identifies a bullying circle that exists, which includes not only the bully and the victim, but the bystanders in school as well. People inevitably choose sides to one degree or another. Some children become supporters of the bully, either by silent consent or by active participation. Some remain silent but side more with the victim. Others may verbally and physically stand up for the victim, yet this seems to be more often not the case. Intimidation becomes the socialization mechanism for the bully. Supporters are gained and the bully takes a central role in the social system.1
Bullying as a position of power
Sometimes the best defense is a strong offense. In order to protect oneself from perceived negative image, the bully will act first to disprove fears about themselves. This negative view of self is often buried in the subconscious; the more the bullying takes place, the further the negative view of self can be submerged into the subconscious. The bully repeats aggressive behavior to reinforce this redefinition of self and further distance themselves from their own fears. All of this is based on a misunderstanding of the concepts of fear and respect, loyalty and leadership. Often bullies are naturally born leaders without anyone to teach them how to be a leader.
In a Machiavellian manner, they believe that if others fear them, they have gained respect. This is a means of gaining the loyalty of those around them and promoting their position of power. However, if we look under the surface of things, fear is driving the car. By striking fear in others, the bully is able to compensate for themselves. They can have a sense of control over their victim when they feel out of control themselves. Bullying forms a set of conditioned responses in the victim, so whether their victim responds with passivity or by reacting back, the bully assumes a means of controlling the response of their victims and taking their voice from them.
Children have emotional processes running in the background. When they are tied to their subconscious understanding of self, those emotions have a powerful force. Children, just as adults, who are unable to put words on their emotions are much more susceptible to being led by them. By identifying their emotions and finding appropriate outlets for them, a child gains a clearer understanding of themselves and an increased ability to regulate their behavior.
Meeting the child's needs
Children need to be met where they are. Erik Erikson identified the developmental task of children between 6 and 12 as industry or inferiority. Between 12 and 18, children are trying to develop ego identity. It is important for parents and teachers alike to recognize that throughout both of these periods, children do not yet know themselves. Indeed, this is truly a life-long process. Parents, teachers and peers all play a powerful role in child development. With this in mind, the question becomes not “if,” but “how” we will help them develop their identity. To the extent that adults facilitate peer group interaction, they should be aware of the group dynamics and how each child fits into the system. At this point, the adult is best able to positively direct group interactions for the best interests of each child.
Combating the bullying child's fears and push for power is difficult, since what needs addressing is being buried consistently deeper by the child. The bullying is their means of avoiding a painful confrontation of personal thoughts and feelings. If, as a parent, you begin fearing the development of bullying behavior in your child, take the time to listen to them. Parents often fail to realize the amount of influence that they can have with their children simply by being a safe person for their child, being trustworthy for their child and taking the time to hear them. For some children, therapy can be a good opportunity for them to get to their underlying fears and consequently be able to build up, in a positive way, their God-given leadership abilities. Again, the key to remember is that children are often looking for guidance and are trying to figure out who they are in the world around them. As adults, we have the difficult task of helping them develop and finding out who God is molding them to be.
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