I can learn to be me?

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Lack of love fuels our search for identity.  When humans feel valued, they seem to build bonds with those who love them and emulate what they see and hear.  However, if an adult is not secure with who they are, they will have a difficult time when their child becomes like them.  Social learning theory teaches that we learn by observation.  Children are apt to do as their role models do; parents are key role models. Parents and children can easily find themselves in similar situations simultaneously.  When we as adults are not valued in our career or in our intimate relationships, how can we provide care and love for our children?  How do we identify ourselves as “adults” now and not as the child that we used to be?  I believe that it is important for us at each successive stage of life, to revisit the question of who we are in light of our experiences and redetermine which factors we choose to let describe us.

Our identity is our choice. How we interpret the events in our life matters.  It is easy to recall our stories and lose sight of the larger narrative that our lives play a part in.  Despite our best attempts to base our value off of others' opinions, human lives do not need the approval of others to have value.  Our irremovable image of God is the imprint of worth, despite our own perception of what we consider to be “successes” or “failures.”  I believe that the life that we live is best lived within this context.  Maybe we have made mistakes and we regret our choices.  We can feel like we are living under the constant weight of them. Yet these choices are superseded by the love of God.  Each of us has certain co-dependent-like tendencies so that unless others love us, we cannot be okay with ourselves.  Yet when we are able to experientially know that we are valued by God, we also begin to build bonds with him and become like him.  The need for acceptance from others loses importance.   

A child will also desire to fit in and gain the acceptance of their peers as well as their adult relationships.  They want to know that they have value.  Lest I communicate that human love has no worth, it is important that both children and adults experience love from their key caregivers in life.  Despite your best efforts to reassure them of their self-worth, children may still be hesitant to believe parents since the draw to be acceptable to their peer has immense importance to them.  Children need genuineness from us.  They draw much of their identity from caregivers, not only through verbal communication, but also in the way we communicate to them by tone, and non-verbal cues.  How do you show with your full self, that your child is important?  Unconditional love speaks volumes. Communicating to them their value despite grades, their behavior and your own life struggles, teaches them that negative statements of peers have little meaning.

If we teach our children that they need to be “fixed” in one way or another, they will likely assume that they are inherently flawed.  It is challenging to help children develop into themselves rather than molding them into who we desire them to be, or who we think they are.  Take the time to care about who your child is and who they are becoming.  Instilling in them pride for effort, regardless of outcome tells them that it is the heart which matters.  This also shows them that their worth is not based on appearance, achievement or number of friends; not that these things are unimportant, but that they are secondary, not primary.  Too often we miss the most important things by focusing on the small things.  It is good for us as adults to remember this for ourselves as well.  Keeping our own priorities in order models for our children better than words can ever do.

"Mom, why don't others like me?"

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

The wounded child cries out this question as they look for affirmation.  It has a profound depth that the child does not yet understand; for what human being exists who does not want to be loved?  I don't know why, exactly, but knowing that we are loved gives us peace.  It doesn't objectively change us, but it does affirm for us that we matter and have value to the world around us.   Maybe this objectively changes us: having an internal sense of peace and believing that we are acceptable to others.  Isn't that what children do when changing hair color, adding a new wardrobe and becoming like a certain sub-culture.  Are they seeking after that internal sense of peace and security which tells them that they fit in or trying to find the answer to their identity.

Adults also often look for the answer to who they are.  Maybe as a child they came to a sense of self, but as they have grown up, they reflect upon their path in life, and where they are today looks different than what they had imagined for themselves.  We wrestle between our perceived identity and who we really are.  Two major stages identified by Erik Erikson occur from the ages of 12-18 and 35-55.  In many households, these two periods of life intersect with one another and provide challenges for both parents and their children.

In adolescence, the developing child is seeking to discover who they are. Erickson postulated that the major challenge for adolescents during this time was to discover their personhood or else remain in a continual state of internal flux.  When other children do not accept a child, they can be left wondering how they will fit in.  They then tend to seek avenues to make themselves acceptable.  Can a parent help their child see themselves as loved and can that be enough to overcome the pull from peers?  A significant limitation on this is that at the same time, according to Erikson, parents are often in their own struggle to find themselves.  Parents are still discovering what it means to be “in charge.”  They are attempting to balance work, family and friends.  Career struggles, marital problems and feelings of inadequacy as a parent can override helpfulness to children.  Many of us thought life would get easier when we “grew up,” but instead, the difficulties outweigh ease.

               

Both of these seasons of life seem to deal with similar issues yet with different circumstances.  Whether we can admit it or not, in we all need the sense of security and peace which comes along with knowing who we are.  Adults need to know they are loved regardless of perceived successes or failures in life.  Children are in their early struggles to believe the same thing.  We shame ourselves with who we should be rather than resting in who we are.  During each successive stage of life we must continue to find ourselves and rediscover who we are in light of who we want to be.  In the next article we will look more specifically at the ways in which we can both as adults and as children come to experience this state of self-understanding and internal security.