Teenage Inferiority Cycle … Part 2

by Rebecca Kirk, M.A. MFT&C

Last week, we discussed how teenagers undergo immense feelings of inferiority at some point in their social experiences, which can leave a permanent mark if not realized and fought.  Working through this experiential realization in therapy or with a healthy mentor is essential to building self-esteem.  Because teenagers often need to but will not open up to their parents, it is truly sacrificial and a great gift of love for parents to give them the gift of a mentor or a therapist to help them with these scars. 

Before we look at ways to increase confidence, let’s understand why having a strong self-view is truly your life-force.

EXAMPLE OF NEGATIVE CYCLE OF INFERIORITY (names and events are completely fictitious though not in essence):

PAIN:

Sydney is a junior high school girl who is shy, academically strong, and building up extra weight prior to puberty.   She is also new to her school district because she went to a church school until sixth grade.  Over the summer she hits her greatest growth spurt, when she heightens, slims, and gets all the curves.  Upon returning to school from the summer, the guys show interest at a rate and degree she has never experienced, forcing her to be more social.  She starts dating Nick who is an eighth grader.  They talk for several months, go too far after the homecoming dance, and he breaks up with her the next week.  She is sad but trying to get over him and all the risky things she told him such as how she thought she was ugly, considered a dork, etc.  She remembers how he told her he would fight anyone off who ever said those untrue things about her, and she is saddened because she feels she no longer has a defender in her life.   One day in the lunch room, one of Nick’s friends walks by with a smirk and calls her an ugly band geek.  Sydney is crushed because her most intimate communications are now used as weapons against her.

REACTION:

Sydney clams up and refuses to date anyone ever again…. until Lyle appears with much coaxing from her friends.  This relationship is very different so that Sydney will not get hurt again.  She tells him little about herself, and is supersensitive that he may be cheating on her or about to end the relationship.  This seems to dominate the topics of their conversation.  When he tires of her nervous attachment, she gives in more sexually, so he will maintain interest.  She feels fear in doing so and desires to remain a virgin, but she keeps stretching her boundaries until they break up.

CYCLE:

 Sydney continues this cycle because it is the only thing she knows, and she feels the only way to feel better is to have a boyfriend who can tell her she is beautiful and protect her from girl gossip at her school.  Her instincts tell her that each time she gives into another guy before she should, she will dislike herself even more, but she keeps becoming more bodily invested with guys while she attempts to withhold more of her emotional attachment.  Just like a drug that people also begin for acceptance, she is addicted to relationships that hurt her without having the developed resources to overcome them.

This is an example that can be generalized to infinity, but it is rooted in feeling the unmatchable and inevitable insecurity that abounds in adolescence.  I echo Dr. James Dobson in Preparing for Adolescence when he states, “What a shame that most teenagers decide they are without much human worth when they’re between thirteen and fifteen years of age!”  Though the intensity of these feelings lessens, they never go away if they are not faced and fought.   Tune in next week for some ways to accomplish this.