Boosting EQ

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

While it is debatable whether IQ can be changed, it is clear that EQ can be changed. EQ is built and developed through teaching of specific skills, including self-awareness, self-regulation, social skills/awareness, and empathy. Parents are the ideal teachers of emotional intelligence since they walk through so much of life with their children. Here are some ideas for building EQ skills into everyday life.

• Help your child understand his feelings. Ask your child to label what he is feeling in a variety of situations. For younger children, attempt to label what you think they are feeling based on facial expression, body language, and verbal content. Use language like, “It sounds/looks like you are sad/angry/excited/happy.”

• Model good emotional management. Remember that you are a powerful model for your child, and your child is more likely to do as you do rather than do as you say. Step 1 is labeling your own feelings in any given situation, which conveys to your child that you have feelings, too, that feelings are okay, and that they are manageable. For older children, it’s also important for you to identify how their actions affect you; understanding the relationship between their actions and others’ feelings helps develop empathy. Younger children will have difficulty understanding this connection because it’s too complex for their developmental age, so use it sparingly with children under age 5. Step 2 then, is working your feelings out in a healthy, acceptable way. (“I’m feeling frustrated right now and I’m going to take a quiet time in my room to help me relax.”)

• Help your child problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior. When you set a limit on unacceptable behavior associated with your child’s upset, always provide an alternative that is acceptable to you. If your child is hitting his sister, who took a toy away from him, it’s not enough to simply stop him from hitting her. He needs to learn (and practice) managing his upset in an acceptable way. Show him that it’s okay to hit his pillow, jump on his bed, etc. Older children can, and should, be involved in finding acceptable alternatives. Remember that the time for engaging in logical conversation about acceptable behaviors is not when your child is overcome with emotion (experiencing high amounts of emotions shuts down the logical part of them brain). Instead, problem-solve acceptable alternatives during calm, non-stress times so you’ll be prepared when emotions hit.

• Role play it out. Role playing is particularly good for building social skills and assertiveness. Use puppets, stuffed animals, or even your own bodies to role play upcoming social situations or to “re-do” situations that weren't handled in an acceptable way the first time. Make sure to help your child identify his feelings about the event you are role playing.

• Play emotion games. Try involving the whole family to play games that build emotional awareness. If you have younger children, have each family member take turns making a “feeling face” while the other members make the face themselves and guess what the feeling is. For older children, provide a short situation (be creative, they can be funny) and then have the child identify how he would feel in the situation.

The ideas above not only build emotional intelligence, they also build the bond between you and your child. When your child knows and experiences that you accept him and his emotions, he is more likely to share them with you, which builds a closer relationship.

Becoming an Emotion Coaching Parent

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Last week I highlighted the 4 parenting styles noted by John Gottman, Ph.D.: dismissing, disapproving, laissez-faire, and emotional coaching. This week is focused on how to become an emotion coaching parent.

Gottman identifies 5 steps for becoming an emotion coaching parent:

1. Recognize the emotion
2. Increase intimacy with the emotion
3. Listen for and validate the emotion
4. Label the emotion
5. Set limits with emotion

For parents who are currently operating out of a non-emotion coaching style, there is one more step that I believe needs to be added in, and it actually occurs before any of the 5 listed above. Parents who are currently using dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire styles are almost certainly doing so because that was the style demonstrated by their own family of origin. Dismissing and disapproving styles in particular tend to have difficulty tolerating emotion, thus the desire to ignore it or cut it off. In such cases, it is important that the parent first ground himself and separate emotionally from the situation in order to achieve the correct perspective. Separating emotionally simply means recognizing and laying a boundary between the child’s emotions and your own so that your child has the freedom to feel the emotion and you have the freedom not to take it on yourself. Without this important step of caring for yourself, you may have difficulty acting as an emotion coach.

The adjusted steps would look like this:

1. Separate yourself emotionally
2. Recognize the emotion
3. Increase intimacy with the emotion
4. Listen for and validate the emotion
5. Label the emotion
6. Set limits with emotion

Imagine your five-year old daughter begins to cry when you tell her it’s time to leave the playground, then begins to hit you. Here is what it might look like to act as an emotion coach in that situation.

Separate yourself emotionally. You use self-talk to get grounded and realize her emotional upset is her own and that you are not going to take it on yourself, that all emotions are acceptable, and that you can coach her through this.

Recognize the emotion. Acknowledge to yourself that your child is overwhelmed by emotion, and try to guess what it is. Try to imagine what you would be experiencing if you were in the same situation. It’s okay if you come up with multiple ideas; we often experience a mixture of feelings at any given time. In this example, your daughter is probably sad and disappointed about leaving the park and her friends. She may even be angry with you for making her leave.

Increase intimacy with the emotion. Use the situation as an opportunity for strengthening your relationship by connecting on a deeper level. “It’s so hard to leave when you’re having so much fun.”

Listen for and validate the emotion. Use reflective listening to confirm that you’ve heard what your child is saying. Validating emotions does not mean that you agree with them, it simply means you understand how your child is feeling. “You want to stay and play longer. You’re not ready to leave your friend or the slide yet.”

Label the emotion. Use the feeling word(s) you identified above to verbally acknowledge how your child is feeling. “You’re sad that it’s time to leave already.”

Set limits with the emotion. While all emotions are acceptable, all the behaviors that accompany them are not. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and desires but set limits to ensure that safety of the child and others. Try to provide an acceptable alternative when you set a limit. “You’re angry that I said we have to leave the park and you want to hit me, but it is not okay to hit people. You may jump as hard as you want on the ground.”

Becoming an emotion coach takes time, emotional energy, and practice. You will have times of success and times that need improvement. Remember that your ability to act as an emotion coach to your child depends on you successfully managing your own emotions through the process. Consider seeking your own emotion coach if you feel stuck in this area.

What is Your Parenting Style?

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Authoritative. Indulgent. Authoritarian. Disengaged.  Many people are familiar with these descriptors of parenting style, which evaluate the degree of control (high or low) and the degree of acceptance (high or low) that exist between a parent and child. Seemingly less known are the categories of parenting style noted by researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., which evaluate how a parent interacts with the emotions of his child. Focusing on how a parent interacts with his child emotionally is smart because it targets emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as EQ (emotional quotient), is the ability to accurately identify emotion in yourself and others, to manage it appropriately in yourself, to respond to it appropriately in others, and to use information about the emotional climate of situations to inform future decisions. Emotional intelligence is important not only for an individual health, it’s important for relational health. Healthy, satisfying relationships and interactions depend on the ability to understand your own internal world as well as your ability to key into the other person’s. Since familial/parental relationships are the first relationships that children experience, it’s important to assess the extent to which you use EQ in your parenting.

Which of the following of Gottman’s parenting styles describes you?

The Dismissing Style

“Get over it!”

Dismissing parents ignore, avoid, or dismiss emotions that are considered to be bad or messy, such as anger, sadness, fear, and grief. Dismissing parents may also:

• Want the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly
•  Distract the child from his feelings
• Think the child’s emotions are not important
• Be unsure of how to help the child with strong emotions
• Feel uncomfortable when the child is experiencing strong emotions

Children of dismissing parents learn that their feelings are wrong or bad and that their feelings need to be fixed or covered up. They have difficulty regulating their emotions.

The Disapproving Style

“Stop feeling that way!”

Disapproving parents believe that the expression of negative emotions should be controlled, limited in time, and that such expression communicates weakness. These parents may also:

• Criticize the child’s strong emotions
• Discipline the child for emotional expression
• View emotional expression as a means of manipulation
• Are concerned about obedience to authority 

Children of disapproving parents lack the ability to manage their emotions and may internalize the messages of criticism, weakness, and manipulation that they receive, which could result in shame.

The Laissez-Faire Style

“Anything goes!”

Laissez-faire parents communicate acceptance of all forms of emotional expression, regardless of behavior. These parents may also:

• Comfort the child during negative emotions
• Believe negative emotions need to “run their course”
• Avoid setting limits or providing guidance on behavior

 Children of laissez-faire parents lack the ability to regulate their emotions and may have difficulty returning to a calm state when they are upset. They may also have difficulty with social cues and social interactions.

The Emotional Coaching Style

“I understand…”

Emotion coaching parents value and validate emotions but also guide behavior. Characteristics of these parents include:

• Viewing emotional expression as an opportunity for connection and closer relationship
• Ability to tolerate negative emotions
• Respecting the child’s feelings
• Helping the child to problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior during emotional expression

Children of emotional coaching parents learn to trust and accept their feelings while also learning that there are limits on their behavior. They learn how to safely work through their emotions.

Which type of parent are you? If you’ve read through the descriptions above and realized that you are a dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire parent, tune in next week to learn how to change your ways and work toward becoming an emotional coaching parent.