Bullying 201: Empowering the Powerless

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

The child that is consistently picked on at school is rightly considered a “victim,” as they often feel vulnerable to the onslaught of abuse from their peers.  Fear overrides their internal system initiating a fight or flight response.  Those children who remain quiet and pensive in the midst of bullying seem to often internalize the words spoken or actions done to them by the perpetrator.  Instead of being able to build up their ego strength, they begin to believe that they are inherently flawed in their being.  Internal dialogues can begin building a child's self-identity in response to bullying.  “If I weren't such a loser, I wouldn't let them treat me this way.” “Maybe they are right and no one really does like me.”  “I am trash, worthless and can only be safe in isolation by myself.”  The bully begins defining their identity.

Emotional responses exist in conjunction with these cognitions.  Anger begins building toward the offender and even toward those who may give tacit consent to the bullying.  Often teachers, parents and peers discount bullying as simply a “part of life,” leaving the victim to feel even more isolated and misunderstood.  Sadness, anxiety follow quite easily.  They may feel as though they were the scape-goat and the focus of everyone's scorn and ridicule: a lightning rod for shame.  In these instances a child needs reassurance that they are not the cause of their own torment.  They need an advocate for them.

One of the great dangers inherent within bullying is the tendency for the victim to believe lies about themselves and lies about God's care for them: “God doesn't care that I have to go through this every day at school. Nobody cares.”  The more the negative self-image is reinforced through peers and even adults, the more entrenched it will become to the child's self-identity and thus more difficult to break.  In order to combat these lies, the child must be able to see themselves as a valuable image bearer of God who gives them worth.  They also need to know and experience human love which is symbolic of God's love. 

Even the child who chooses to stand up for themselves and talks back or fights back is being shaped by the bullying.  They are learning a survival-based pattern of interaction which shapes their understanding of the world as well as their place within the world.  Importantly, however, both categories of responses: fight or flight, can lead to perpetuating cycles of bullying.  As with cycles of abuse, the victim can easily become a wrongdoer and begin to become a bullier in order to “make up” for the way they perceive themselves.  Recognizing that everyone's heart is capable of the same depths of evil helps to safeguard against this mentality.  The child who is bullied needs to know and believe that the ones who attack them are acting wrongly, and that it is similarly unacceptable behavior for them repeat.

The differences between bullying and abuse are minimal.  Children who are subjected to daily ridicule, physical harm or neglect tend to develop a negative self-image.  When there is bullying at school and any type of abuse occurring in the home, the compound effects can be crippling.  The more factors there are in a child's life which reinforce a negative self-identity, the greater the risk to their well-being.  The student in school who has no friends and is shunned by others is being sent the message that they are unlovable and not worthy of even friendship.  God has created each one of us to be in relationships, not to be isolated individuals.  Help given to the bullied child should include attempts to foster positive social experiences.  Having at least one friend in school can dramatically change a child's experience for the better. 

Bullied children will often carry the “I'm defective” mentality into a therapy room.  Thus it is important for them to be given the chance to lead in the therapeutic process and speak from their own perspective as much as possible.  Group therapy for bullied individuals can be a powerful tool in shaping their world view.  Shared experiences and feelings can provide healing for those suffering from bullying.  They need to know that therapy is not about “fixing” them, but about reinforcing positive messages which equip and embolden them to own the truth and speak it clearly to themselves. “It is not my fault.  I do not have to let them define who I am, and who I will be.  I am a valuable child of God, despite what others might say or do to me.”  Helping a child to come to this place renders the bully powerless and allows the child to regain control of their identity.

Bullying 101

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Many children are all too familiar with the concept of bullying.  They could give you a definition simply by talking about their daily routine.  Bullying has gotten significant attention, especially in the past few years, due to a growing awareness of other forms of aggression that take place via the internet and through cell phones.  The popular movie from 2004, “Mean Girls,” caused many to focus attention on psychological bullying that exists in schools today.  Bullying is much more than  the use of physical force. It can also take the form of  verbalized taunts and threats or be relational in nature such as spreading of gossip or deliberately excluding one person. It can be based on race, gender, sexuality or personality.  Technology has made bullying easier and more convenient.  Consequently, now intimidation and belittling can be done through social media sites, blogs or through bombarding victims with text messages.  Dr. Dan Olweus, who is considered a pioneer in bullying research, has categorized it this way: "A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself."¹  Maybe this definition brings to memory your own childhood or maybe it is something your child is suffering with even now. 

One caution may be helpful to keep in mind.  It is possible to be over vigilant about bullying.  By this I mean that parents, teachers and other authority figures can begin to view everything through the expectation of bullying.  There exists a middle ground between indifference and hyper-sensitivity.  This middle ground ought to be one which does not ignore bullying that occurs, but it simultaneously keeps a realistic attitude towards it happening.   Bullying will take place, because not everything can be seen, but it must be dealt with to the greatest extent possible. This battle can be addressed from multiple fronts. 

1. Caring for the child who is bullied to minimize its impact
2. Working with the perpetrator to decrease bullying behavior
3. Helping parents to help their children
4. Working collaboratively with youth, parents and educators all together to educate and equip  them in proactively preventing bullying

The APA cites a 2001 study done of 15,000 youth from 6th through 10th grades.  This study found that  roughly one in five students reports being a bully or being a victim of bullying “'sometimes' or more.”²   The impact of this cannot be underestimated.  Not only does this affect their day to day lives, but bullying can have serious negative long-term consequences as it affects the individual's self-image.  It is my hope that you will find this month's blog informative and helpful, and that it provides you with tools to handle this difficult issue.

               

1 Olweus. What is Bullying?. Retrieved from http://olweus.org/public/bullying.page

2 American Psychological Association (October 29, 2004). School Bullying is Nothing New, But Psychologists Identify New Ways to Prevent It, Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/research/action/bullying.aspx

Gottman’s Research on Successful Marriages

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

Since 1980 Dr. John Gottman has been gathering research on marital interactions and has proven with 94% accuracy the ones that end in divorce based on the partners’ physiological interactions with one another. The important thing to note in couple problems isn’t “how often they fight” but “how they fight.”  Research was done by observing couple’s heart rates, facial expressions, gestures, fidgeting, sarcasm, contempt, breathing, listening, emotional understandings, and inability or ability to agree on their history and laugh at past hardships.  This research has lead to the identification of dissolved marriages.  Research has also refuted popular myths on marriage busters such as financial, sexual, and compatibility problems leading to divorce, etc.  Gottman’s findings contradict Olsen’s speculation that couples who argue aggressively end in divorce.  Gottman’s evidence is gathered from hundreds of couple “x-ray” tests where he observes them with lie detectors, electrodes, pulse devices, blood flow sensors, and microphones.  Couple disagreements were then observed when they arose.

Not only is this research methodically different, but it remains valid across time per couple that has participated.  Spanning close to three decades and using seventy-nine couples exhaustively, the research has stood the test of premature predictions.  It is important to study these long-term successful relationships.

What is some of the most pivotal information found in his research? 

• Couples need five more positive comments than negative for each other.  (Even couples who have many passionate disagreements thrive when this ratio is kept.)
• Laughter is important in marriages.
• The Four Horseman of the Marriage Apocalypse:
• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Withdrawal

Remember that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy marriage, and that these research findings prove that a ratio of five positives to one negative predicts the most important ingredient of hope.  Decreasing the criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal by focusing on the positive is truly life. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. -Philippians 4:8, ESV

Communicate positive interactions with the significant people in your life by speaking them, and writing them on sticky notes and leaving them in surprising locations.  Don’t forget that our facial expressions and laughter screams communication as well.  For more great information on this by Dr. John Gottman, read his book entitled Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: …and How You Can Make Yours Last.

The Power of Positive Affirmation

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

The famous adage, “A child doesn’t remember what you taught them, but they remember how you made them feel” can be applied to a child’s most important teacher – his parent.  When we are worried about our children, it is extremely easy to overly warn, discipline, and communicate areas of needed improvement.  Unfortunately, just as you don’t feel motivated to “perform” for your spouse or friends, or other family members, your child can’t grow best when you constantly point out flaws.  Often when working with adolescents and families, I hear a pattern of parents communicating detailed negative traits about their children while vaguely mentioning positive ones.  Not only does the number of positive interactions need to outweigh the negative, but the detailed natures of each need to be balanced as well.  For instance, we all know how easy it is to go into vivid detail rehashing an offensive behavior, but we seldom overlook how surface, superficial, and lacking in affirmation statements like “ You are such a good kid, I’m proud of your good grades, you’re a sweet person, etc.,”  can be.  Instead consider the difference in the statements above to these more affirming and specific ones:

• You are such a good kid because many have told me how respectful you are.  For instance, Mrs. __________ said….
• Your good grades tell me so much about you.  They tell me that you are dedicated, disciplined, and that you value your future.  Also, they show that you have a respect for learning , knowledge, and others who have traveled down the road of life more than you.
• It is easy to see you are a genuinely sweet person because you are always noticing when a friend is hurt and lending a listening ear.  Also, I’ve seen how you consoled your little sister when she hurt herself yesterday.  You not only……., but you also…… which comforted her.

When we focus with as much detail and energy on the positives in our lives as we naturally do the negatives, it is amazing how much deeper we can keep digging.  Consider how the following verse from the New Testament encourages us to truly think about these positives:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  – Philippians 4:8

Our minds are connected to our heart, and we can’t help communicate what we think.  Your child will certainly remember how you make them feel, and it will motivate them to achieve these affirmations to greater degrees.  Tune in next week to discover how scientific research has proven that these positive affirmations have predicted committed marriages.

Academic Resolutions: From a Teacher to a Teacher

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

Now is an excellent time to evaluate your child’s academic progress and set goals for academic accountability.  Unlike at the beginning of a school year,  many of your child’s teachers are familiar with your child’s aptitude and average performance and might recognize important changes that may have occurred.  Depending on the teacher, you may find out critical behavioral and social information since your child spends a significant period of time at school.  Remember that emotional, social, and behavioral encounters with friends and peers can affect academics significantly.  Often times emailing your child’s teacher with specific questions can be the most time efficient method of communication.   Many times an informal e-mail can produce more candid and efficient results than a formal teacher conference where several adults are gathered and communications can be more filtered and hurried.  If you do not desire to communicate with all of his or her teachers, try to choose one or two that your child mentions the most.  Choosing teachers that your child has more positive and negative interactions with could be beneficial.  Send each teacher an individualized e-mail.  From my experience as a high school teacher and therapist, I have found the following list of questions most helpful:

• Does my child seem to be focused while in class?
• When considering my child’s academic aptitude, is he/she below, above, or on average for his/her grade level?
• Is my child performing according to his/her aptitude?
• Does my child participate in classroom activities?
• Does my child do his or her homework thoroughly? (You will know their grades from their electronic and paper reports.)
• How does my child interact socially with peers?  Is social communication too reserved, too vocal, inappropriate, etc.?
• If you have noticed my child’s social interactions, would you say he or she is socializing with positive peers or negative ones?
• Do you have any suggestions of goals to work on with my child?

When communicating with your child’s teacher, remember to choose a few important questions that don’t overload the teacher with more work than he or she already has.  Thank the teacher for his or her time.  Be careful that you do not accuse a teacher, but instead ask questions that communicate that you desire clarity from an adult’s perspective (if there has been a confusing incident).  Lastly, as with all communications, remember to say something positive about your child’s experience in his or her class if applicable.

Family Reflections and Resolutions

by Rebecca Kirk, MAMFT

Resolutions for the new year are bombarding us on every radio station, television, and magazine advertisement, and for many, it is a time of beating oneself up.  Countless psychologists and studies indicate that the vehicle of lasting positive change is to see and feel achievement -  not discouragement.  In this new year, take the time to access the positive changes, memories, and achievements you have made with your family.  Think of the best memory of the year.  Did it involve quality time, a mini vacation, a teachable moment?  Make a list of the positive outcomes you have achieved as an individual and as a family.  After you have basked in the growth of last year, resolve to add a few realistic goals to better strengthen your current or future goals.  Also, see if your personal  goals and your family goals need more balancing.  You can even make it a family effort by creating a memory time capsule of 2011 which also lists goals for 2012.  Each family member can write his or her own list for each year, and then each member can read it aloud before burying it. This can become a family tradition that you dig up and rebury each year.   Using this as a family devotion with prayer can be a reverent way to thank God for his gifts of grace and also request his guidance in the year to come.  The time to appreciate the blessings of the previous year will also help prepare us for the inevitable heartaches of the new one because it can help us take time to treasure our many and unique blessings before we lose them.

Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 4

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

When you're low on funds:

The holidays are full of pressures to give your loved ones the next best thing or the newest, shiniest, (fill in the blank).  But what about the sentiment behind it?  We often assume that more money spent on a gift means more love and sentiment behind it.  This makes so much sense when you think about gift-giving in terms of sacrifice.  Often, the pricier the item, the greater the sacrifice on the gift-giver's part.  But a financial sacrifice is just one of the ways in which to show you care.  Take heart, financially-strapped readers! There are lots of ways to express love and sentiment without breaking the bank. 

If you're crafty and creative, DIY!!! (Do it yourself).  There are literally THOUSANDS of ideas online for making inexpensive gifts for loved ones of all ages. 

If you're not so crafty, use your words.  One of my favorite gifts I've ever gotten was a sweet note in a pretty picture frame.  I've since done this for some of my close friends and it's always a hit! You don't have to spend a fortune on the frame.  Just find a simple frame, choose your paper and pen, and write out a note.  You can use a 3 point line.  Here's one example of a letter for a sister: "Merry Christmas to my sweet sister, my eternal best friend, and my beautiful example in Christ.  I love you more than you'll ever know!"  It's short, simple, and very sweet.  The chances are good that they won't even put a picture in the frame, but will prefer to keep the sentiment as the subject for years to come. 

If you're not crafty and you're not wordy, you can give your time and services.  Make a coupon book for favors or a pre-planned calendar of acts of service.  The coupon book is great if you're fairly flexible and can be accommodating to their schedules.   If you're a busy-bee, give them a calendar of events of things that you plan to do for them over the next few weeks, or months.  You can help around the house, babysit, walk their dogs, take them to coffee, plan a series of in-home movie nights - any number of things. 

The best gifts are often the gifts that require sacrifice.  Keep that in mind when you're thinking of your loved ones and stewing over what to give them.  We've probably all gotten the gift from the "wealthier" family member that required no thought or sentiment - but only a credit card and a fully staffed gift-wrapping station.  Those gifts are not the gifts we usually remember.  We remember the song someone wrote for us or the painting that our littlest family member did in art class and "wanted to give it" to us "for Christmas."  Finding ways to show your loved ones that you love and treasure them does not always have to mean elaborate presents or time-consuming projects.  Keep it simple.  Keep it real.  Merry Christmas readers!!