Building a Tool Belt

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Routine play, the focus of last week’s blog, is an important building block for establishing a strong parent-child relationship. But the benefits and uses of play extend far outside of routine play. As mentioned in week 1, play is appropriate not only for building relationship, but also for encouraging cooperation, reconnecting when you’ve taken the low road in parenting, and helping your child when he is emotionally stuck. This week will be devoted to helping you build your play tool belt, so to speak, in order that you may be prepared to use play in daily (non-routine) parenting.

Below is a list of playful ways to tackle some typical parenting challenges, like whining, hitting or kicking, and using unkind words. These ideas are most appropriate for preschoolers or young grade school children, but you can adapt them to be more age appropriate if your child is older. As you read the list below and think about ways in which to make your own parenting more playful, consider the strengths you identified in your child; you will want to harness those strengths.

You can use these steps as a guide for making sure your tools are implemented as effectively as possible.

1. Validate your child’s desire and/or feelings (‘You’re angry that we can’t play longer” or “You really want juice and we don’t have any.”)
2. Set a limit, which basically means noting that his current actions are not okay (“It’s not okay to hit.”
3. Pull out a tool from your belt (see below).

• The magic wand. The magic wand is great for kids who like pretend, imaginative play. When your child wants something he cannot have, use your magic wand to grant it to him in fantasy. In my home, both my daughter and I have magic wands, which we keep in our pretend pockets. Occasionally my daughter asks for things that I cannot give her; for example, she may request juice, but we are out. Sometimes this reality of no juice is harder for her to accept than others. During those difficult times, we get out our magic wands, say a little rhyme in which she states what she wants, and then tap her cup to “turn” water into the juice of her choice. We then continue our pretending by talking about what her juice tastes like.
• The benefit: The magic wand, which allows you to grant in fantasy what you can’t in reality, gives your child the experience of being heard and helps him learn that he can manage disappointments in his life.
• Put it in my pocket. Your pocket can be the perfect place for holding energetic activity that is not appropriate for your current location. For example, if you’re in the library and your child is running around or playfully screaming with other kids, have him pour or spit out (whichever you deem appropriate) all of his screams into his hands and put them in your pocket. Make a big production of it, so that he is able to do something that (appropriately) releases some of his energy. Hold them safely in your pocket and release them outside when you’re in a more appropriate environment. Sometimes you may even have some of your own energetic screams to release while your child is releasing his!
• The benefit: Put it in my pocket helps establish and develop self-control.
• Jump out your angrys (or your unkind words). When you see your child beginning to hit, kick, or use unkind words, it’s tempting to focus on stopping the behavior instead of understanding what’s going on. Instead, lean into his emotions and encourage him to jump them out or release them in another physical way. Be creative, and encourage movement that your child enjoys, like jumping, running, or even shouting.
• The benefit: It’s inevitable that your child will experience feelings of anger or upset in his life. Jumping out your angrys provides a safe, physical release for his strong feelings.
• Use music. Let’s face it: life is full of things that are not fun. If your child balks at daily chores, like brushing teeth or hair and getting dressed, make them more enjoyable by adding music. Create your own silly songs; to make it easier, use melodies from well-known kids’ songs like Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
• The benefit: Music engages a different part of the brain than spoken language. Pre-empt power struggles by changing the way you attack mundane, daily chores.
• Find your strong voice. Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting suggests dealing with whining by asking your child to find his strong voice. You can do this by pretending that your child’s strong voice is hiding or lost, and physically looking around the room for it. In my home this has evolved into a game in which both my daughter and I shout for her strong voice to come back (because it is lost). Once the strong voice hears us and gets close enough, she gobbles it up into her mouth and tries her original request using her new voice.
• The benefit: No child is exempt from whining. Find your strong voice helps your child realize he has the power to verbalize his request in a new, more acceptable way. It also focuses on empowering your child rather than on what he should stop doing. Plus it’s way more fun than simply saying, “Stop whining.”

Implementing these tools may take some practice on the parts of both you and your child, and it’s okay if it doesn’t work the first time. Don’t be discouraged if it takes a couple of tries (on separate occasions) for your child to engage with you in this new way. Remember that to be successful, you must be in control of your own emotions and your actions – you are the model for your child!