Making Parenting WORK

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

It’s no secret that discipline is on the minds of many parents. From the number of children who enter our practice due to behavior problems to the number of books and websites that abound on the topic, it’s clear that discipline is a common challenge for parents. This month we’re going to address discipline indirectly by talking about discipline’s partner: relationship. So whether you’re looking to better your relationship, decrease struggles, or simply have more fun with your child, this series is for you.

The Benefits of Using Play in Parenting

Parenting is a two-step. Essentially this means that parenting is comprised of two things that are different, yet intimately related. One is discipline. The other is relationship. In parenting, discipline and relationship go hand-in-hand; both must be present for an effective relationship. So if you find yourself constantly seeking tools to combat bad behavior, it’s important to take a step back and evaluate your relationship with your child. A strong relationship with your child will make discipline easier. Why is this so? Children who have strong relationships with their parents want to please them, and act (more often) accordingly. Here’s an example of how this works… Imagine for a moment that your spouse has a complaint to bring to your attention. Your ability to receive the complaint is affected by the current status of your relationship. If your relationship is in a state of stress and you haven’t spent much time together due to family, work, or other concerns, chances are you would be less likely to accommodate your spouse’s request willingly or perhaps even at all. But if your relationship is strong, you are more likely to want to please your spouse and accommodate the request. The state of the relationship is the key, and it’s important not only between spouses, but also between parents and children.

Incorporating play into your parenting is an excellent way to build relationship with your child. What makes play an effective relationship builder? First and foremost, play is a child’s natural language. When you incorporate play into your relationship with your child, you have the opportunity to connect on a different, deeper level because you’re speaking your child’s language. But there are other benefits to play as well. Play is a source of stress relief for children, and children who feel better behave better. Play is also the avenue through which children master skills, regulate emotions, and interact socially. Play is an essential part of childhood!

Using play in parenting requires some planning and forethought, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. The following five steps are designed to help you bring more play into your parenting. We’ll be focusing on one step each week.

5 Steps for Parenting with Play

1.  Learn when it’s appropriate
2. Prepare yourself
3. Establish some routine
4. Get some tools in your belt
5. Reflect, reflect, reflect

Step 1: Learn when it’s Appropriate

When is it appropriate to use play in parenting?  Perhaps a more easily answered question is: When is it not appropriate to use play? Play should not be used in dangerous situations, such as if your child runs into the street or is playing with matches. Play should also not be used as the initial response to your child’s emotions, meaning if your child is upset, scared, etc, you shouldn’t use play as an attempt to talk him out of his feelings (in these situations, you should validate his feelings so he learns that his big feelings are natural and manageable).

Play is appropriate in many situations, and is great for 1) building relationship, 2) encouraging cooperation, 3) reconnecting when you’ve taken the low road in parenting (i.e. done something you didn’t want to do), and 4) helping your child when he is emotionally stuck. If you’ve made a low road parenting decision, make sure you authentically apologize to your child and listen to his thoughts about the situation before reconnecting through play. The same authenticity is necessary for helping a child who is emotionally stuck. When you have validated a child’s feelings several times and he cannot move past the emotion in a reasonable amount of time, play becomes an appropriate avenue to help your child move forward. This week, try to identify some situations in your parenting that you could change by adding play.