Preparing Yourself for Play

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Last week I provided these Five Steps for Parenting with Play:

1.  Learn when it’s appropriate
2. Prepare yourself
3. Establish some routine
4. Get some tools in your belt
5.  Reflect, reflect, reflect

This week we’re going to focus on preparing yourself, a step that might be tempting to overlook, but is key to the process. Someone once noted, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Using play in parenting is no exception.

There are two main considerations that fall under the category of preparation: 1) knowing your child, and 2) knowing yourself. It’s important to evaluate your child’s strengths, because you want to harness those strengths when playing with your child. Does she have a great imagination? Is he brave? Strong? Determined? Understanding your child’s strengths and putting them to work for you ensures that you’re not working harder than you have to. In addition to knowing your child’s strengths, it’s important to identify his triggers as well. Identifying your child’s triggers gives you a better understanding of the challenges your child faces, as well as gives you the opportunity to see how they could potentially pair together with his strengths.

It’s not enough to know your child’s strengths and triggers, you need to know your own as well. The variables that you bring to the table affect the relationship as well. First, be aware of how you tend to play. Do you tend to prefer neat ways of play in order to avoid the stress and tension of disorder? Perhaps you tend to structure your child’s play through suggestions? Maybe you tend to stay on the sidelines while your child is playing, such that interaction is limited? After identifying your tendencies, consider conducting an experiment by stepping outside of your typical role while engaging with your child in a different way (we’ll talk more about this next week). If you find that you’re resistant to changing your role, ask yourself, “what’s holding me back?”

In order to be fully attuned with your child, you need to make sure that your own needs are being met. You are responsible for meeting your child’s needs but you are also responsible for meeting your own. Self-care looks different for each person: some need alone time, some need social time; some need sleep and better meals; all need exercise. Identify your needs and work to fulfill them prescriptively. Parents whose own needs are met have more energy, patience, and love to give their children.

All parents have times when they experience emotional upset as a result of something that their child is doing. As a parent, it is critically important that you understand your own triggers, relating to both your child and otherwise. It is not uncommon for wounds from our own childhoods to surface as we face parenting challenges. Your ability to effectively manage these reactions will affect your relationship with your child. If you find yourself being triggered by your child’s actions such that old wounds are constantly coming up, seek the help of a therapist to work through these issues. Parenting from the Inside Out, by Daniel Siegel, is an excellent resource for these challenges.