Boosting EQ

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

While it is debatable whether IQ can be changed, it is clear that EQ can be changed. EQ is built and developed through teaching of specific skills, including self-awareness, self-regulation, social skills/awareness, and empathy. Parents are the ideal teachers of emotional intelligence since they walk through so much of life with their children. Here are some ideas for building EQ skills into everyday life.

• Help your child understand his feelings. Ask your child to label what he is feeling in a variety of situations. For younger children, attempt to label what you think they are feeling based on facial expression, body language, and verbal content. Use language like, “It sounds/looks like you are sad/angry/excited/happy.”

• Model good emotional management. Remember that you are a powerful model for your child, and your child is more likely to do as you do rather than do as you say. Step 1 is labeling your own feelings in any given situation, which conveys to your child that you have feelings, too, that feelings are okay, and that they are manageable. For older children, it’s also important for you to identify how their actions affect you; understanding the relationship between their actions and others’ feelings helps develop empathy. Younger children will have difficulty understanding this connection because it’s too complex for their developmental age, so use it sparingly with children under age 5. Step 2 then, is working your feelings out in a healthy, acceptable way. (“I’m feeling frustrated right now and I’m going to take a quiet time in my room to help me relax.”)

• Help your child problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior. When you set a limit on unacceptable behavior associated with your child’s upset, always provide an alternative that is acceptable to you. If your child is hitting his sister, who took a toy away from him, it’s not enough to simply stop him from hitting her. He needs to learn (and practice) managing his upset in an acceptable way. Show him that it’s okay to hit his pillow, jump on his bed, etc. Older children can, and should, be involved in finding acceptable alternatives. Remember that the time for engaging in logical conversation about acceptable behaviors is not when your child is overcome with emotion (experiencing high amounts of emotions shuts down the logical part of them brain). Instead, problem-solve acceptable alternatives during calm, non-stress times so you’ll be prepared when emotions hit.

• Role play it out. Role playing is particularly good for building social skills and assertiveness. Use puppets, stuffed animals, or even your own bodies to role play upcoming social situations or to “re-do” situations that weren't handled in an acceptable way the first time. Make sure to help your child identify his feelings about the event you are role playing.

• Play emotion games. Try involving the whole family to play games that build emotional awareness. If you have younger children, have each family member take turns making a “feeling face” while the other members make the face themselves and guess what the feeling is. For older children, provide a short situation (be creative, they can be funny) and then have the child identify how he would feel in the situation.

The ideas above not only build emotional intelligence, they also build the bond between you and your child. When your child knows and experiences that you accept him and his emotions, he is more likely to share them with you, which builds a closer relationship.

Becoming an Emotion Coaching Parent

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Last week I highlighted the 4 parenting styles noted by John Gottman, Ph.D.: dismissing, disapproving, laissez-faire, and emotional coaching. This week is focused on how to become an emotion coaching parent.

Gottman identifies 5 steps for becoming an emotion coaching parent:

1. Recognize the emotion
2. Increase intimacy with the emotion
3. Listen for and validate the emotion
4. Label the emotion
5. Set limits with emotion

For parents who are currently operating out of a non-emotion coaching style, there is one more step that I believe needs to be added in, and it actually occurs before any of the 5 listed above. Parents who are currently using dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire styles are almost certainly doing so because that was the style demonstrated by their own family of origin. Dismissing and disapproving styles in particular tend to have difficulty tolerating emotion, thus the desire to ignore it or cut it off. In such cases, it is important that the parent first ground himself and separate emotionally from the situation in order to achieve the correct perspective. Separating emotionally simply means recognizing and laying a boundary between the child’s emotions and your own so that your child has the freedom to feel the emotion and you have the freedom not to take it on yourself. Without this important step of caring for yourself, you may have difficulty acting as an emotion coach.

The adjusted steps would look like this:

1. Separate yourself emotionally
2. Recognize the emotion
3. Increase intimacy with the emotion
4. Listen for and validate the emotion
5. Label the emotion
6. Set limits with emotion

Imagine your five-year old daughter begins to cry when you tell her it’s time to leave the playground, then begins to hit you. Here is what it might look like to act as an emotion coach in that situation.

Separate yourself emotionally. You use self-talk to get grounded and realize her emotional upset is her own and that you are not going to take it on yourself, that all emotions are acceptable, and that you can coach her through this.

Recognize the emotion. Acknowledge to yourself that your child is overwhelmed by emotion, and try to guess what it is. Try to imagine what you would be experiencing if you were in the same situation. It’s okay if you come up with multiple ideas; we often experience a mixture of feelings at any given time. In this example, your daughter is probably sad and disappointed about leaving the park and her friends. She may even be angry with you for making her leave.

Increase intimacy with the emotion. Use the situation as an opportunity for strengthening your relationship by connecting on a deeper level. “It’s so hard to leave when you’re having so much fun.”

Listen for and validate the emotion. Use reflective listening to confirm that you’ve heard what your child is saying. Validating emotions does not mean that you agree with them, it simply means you understand how your child is feeling. “You want to stay and play longer. You’re not ready to leave your friend or the slide yet.”

Label the emotion. Use the feeling word(s) you identified above to verbally acknowledge how your child is feeling. “You’re sad that it’s time to leave already.”

Set limits with the emotion. While all emotions are acceptable, all the behaviors that accompany them are not. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and desires but set limits to ensure that safety of the child and others. Try to provide an acceptable alternative when you set a limit. “You’re angry that I said we have to leave the park and you want to hit me, but it is not okay to hit people. You may jump as hard as you want on the ground.”

Becoming an emotion coach takes time, emotional energy, and practice. You will have times of success and times that need improvement. Remember that your ability to act as an emotion coach to your child depends on you successfully managing your own emotions through the process. Consider seeking your own emotion coach if you feel stuck in this area.

What is Your Parenting Style?

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Authoritative. Indulgent. Authoritarian. Disengaged.  Many people are familiar with these descriptors of parenting style, which evaluate the degree of control (high or low) and the degree of acceptance (high or low) that exist between a parent and child. Seemingly less known are the categories of parenting style noted by researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., which evaluate how a parent interacts with the emotions of his child. Focusing on how a parent interacts with his child emotionally is smart because it targets emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as EQ (emotional quotient), is the ability to accurately identify emotion in yourself and others, to manage it appropriately in yourself, to respond to it appropriately in others, and to use information about the emotional climate of situations to inform future decisions. Emotional intelligence is important not only for an individual health, it’s important for relational health. Healthy, satisfying relationships and interactions depend on the ability to understand your own internal world as well as your ability to key into the other person’s. Since familial/parental relationships are the first relationships that children experience, it’s important to assess the extent to which you use EQ in your parenting.

Which of the following of Gottman’s parenting styles describes you?

The Dismissing Style

“Get over it!”

Dismissing parents ignore, avoid, or dismiss emotions that are considered to be bad or messy, such as anger, sadness, fear, and grief. Dismissing parents may also:

• Want the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly
•  Distract the child from his feelings
• Think the child’s emotions are not important
• Be unsure of how to help the child with strong emotions
• Feel uncomfortable when the child is experiencing strong emotions

Children of dismissing parents learn that their feelings are wrong or bad and that their feelings need to be fixed or covered up. They have difficulty regulating their emotions.

The Disapproving Style

“Stop feeling that way!”

Disapproving parents believe that the expression of negative emotions should be controlled, limited in time, and that such expression communicates weakness. These parents may also:

• Criticize the child’s strong emotions
• Discipline the child for emotional expression
• View emotional expression as a means of manipulation
• Are concerned about obedience to authority 

Children of disapproving parents lack the ability to manage their emotions and may internalize the messages of criticism, weakness, and manipulation that they receive, which could result in shame.

The Laissez-Faire Style

“Anything goes!”

Laissez-faire parents communicate acceptance of all forms of emotional expression, regardless of behavior. These parents may also:

• Comfort the child during negative emotions
• Believe negative emotions need to “run their course”
• Avoid setting limits or providing guidance on behavior

 Children of laissez-faire parents lack the ability to regulate their emotions and may have difficulty returning to a calm state when they are upset. They may also have difficulty with social cues and social interactions.

The Emotional Coaching Style

“I understand…”

Emotion coaching parents value and validate emotions but also guide behavior. Characteristics of these parents include:

• Viewing emotional expression as an opportunity for connection and closer relationship
• Ability to tolerate negative emotions
• Respecting the child’s feelings
• Helping the child to problem-solve acceptable alternatives to unacceptable behavior during emotional expression

Children of emotional coaching parents learn to trust and accept their feelings while also learning that there are limits on their behavior. They learn how to safely work through their emotions.

Which type of parent are you? If you’ve read through the descriptions above and realized that you are a dismissing, disapproving, or laissez-faire parent, tune in next week to learn how to change your ways and work toward becoming an emotional coaching parent.

Bullying 400: Reaching Out to Parents

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Parents both of bullies and of victims can be left feeling helpless, unsure of how to best help their children.  Maybe you are losing touch with your children and they don't seem to want to talk to you as much these days.  Children are masterful at hiding what's going on, so many parents are left unaware of the problems that exist in their children's lives.  Here are a few things to look for which may be indicators.¹

Is my child a victim?

• are they withdrawn at home?
• have they complained of no friends at school?
• is there a decreased desire to go to school?
• have you noticed a significant decline in grades?
• do they make negative or suicidal statements about themselves?
• are they excessively temperamental?
• do they often complain of having headaches, upset stomach or “just feeling sick”?

Has my child become a bully?

• are they currently a victim of bullying or abuse, or have they been a victim in the past?
• do they deny wrongdoing and shift blame to others?
• are they touchy or irritable?
• have they had consistent problematic behavior at school?
• are there high amounts of household stress or marital troubles?
• are they argumentative and defiant?

Although these factors do not necessarily mean that your child is either a bully or has become a victim, they often present as warning signs to consider, rather than ignoring or minimizing them.  Parents play a critical role in the development of their children's view of self.  You can help them to figure themselves out in the midst of a confusing and difficult time. 

What you can do to help

1. Acknowledge your child's emotions.

A parent can benefit their child by helping them to understand their emotions. “You seem angry, I know that is unpleasant” Simply by acknowledging their emotions, you can help them to feel understood.  Knowing that their parent can understand how they are feeling bridges a chasm of communication difference.  Victims can believe that their emotions are insignificant.  Bullies often act aggressively because of low emotional awareness.

2. Encourage them in developing positive characteristics.

Parents can get stuck only seeing the bad. Take the time to notice your children and what makes them uniquely special.  Small comments like: “your hair looks nice today,” or “I love the way your smile brightens a room up.”  When your child has worked hard on something take the time to let them know that you notice their efforts.  Look for positives wherever they are.  The both bullies and victims have difficulty seeing positive things in themselves.  Positive reinforcers are actually much stronger than punishments.

3. Talk to the counselor at your local school. 

Make them aware of situations that exist and ask for their help.  Often the school officials are unaware of the problems that exist in their own schools.  Open communication and collaboration between teachers, parents and school counselors can be a powerful positive force for effectively dealing with bullying.  If your child is the aggressor, be firm and consistent with them in applying rules also at home. Let them know, lovingly, that this behavior will not be tolerated and set specific consequences for continued behavior.

4. Help them figure themselves out within the family context.

Both bullies and victims suffer from lack of clarity about who they are.  The bully, as we mentioned last week, is often a natural leader using their gifts in a negative way.  Take the time to listen to your child.  If your child believes that you care about them and are willing to empathetically listen and get to know how they see themselves more disposed they are to open up.  This takes maintaining an attitude of curiosity and wonder about who your child is, rather than dictating every aspect of who they must be.  The hope is to enable them to develop in a God-glorifying way, both as a member of the family and as an individual with particular gifts and abilities, and interests. 

5. Seek professional help.

When bullying behavior is allowed to continue for extended periods, children are at an increased risk for criminal and self-destructive behaviors.  Victims of bullying, too, can show increased symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies.  Parents , themselves, can feel overwhelmed with their own problems which makes it even more difficult to attend to their children's lives.  If you feel helpless, it is okay to ask for help.

Bullying 310: Getting to the Heart of the Issue

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Confronting the current situation of bullying in schools is becoming increasingly difficult.  The movement seems to be away from direct interactions to indirect bullying means.  There are, however, common threads that exist among bullies.  The important question for us today is: why bullies engage in the behavior that they do?  Though there are many different causes and interrelated factors, this week's blog will briefly at two significant reasons.  Despite the way the victims tend to perceive bullying, the causes often have much less to do with them and much more to do with underlying causes within the perpetrator.

Bullying to gain social acceptance and attention

Bullying is systemic. It is not just a dance between two persons.  Our  basic human needs include human interaction and acceptance.  A child who receives the message of worthlessness, verbally or through non-verbal interactions at home or from peers, develops a deficient view of themselves.  This is evident both in family life, but also in the peer group setting of school.  Children desire attention and will do whatever it takes to receive it. Here the cycle of bullying/abuse easily repeats itself.  Those children who are bullied or abused often become perpetrators, themselves.

A wide variety of means to garner appreciation and attention exist.  Some children will isolate and take on the victim role to receive “mercy attention.”  Others push themselves academically, musically, or athletically to receive “accolade attention.”  Still others take on negative attention building roles to receive “punitive attention.”  Bullying is one form of this.  Each of these developed coping mechanisms begins to shape children's identities.  Hence, the bully builds a reputation for being a “bad kid” and comes to figure out who they are in their social world.  For them, having an identity and attention through bullying, is better than being a nobody.

Dr. Dan Olweus identifies a bullying circle that exists, which includes not only the bully and the victim, but the bystanders in school as well.  People inevitably choose sides to one degree or another.  Some children become supporters of the bully, either by silent consent or by active participation.  Some remain silent but side more with the victim.  Others may verbally and physically stand up for the victim, yet this seems to be more often not the case.  Intimidation becomes the socialization mechanism for the bully.  Supporters are gained and the bully takes a central role in the social system.1

Bullying as a position of power

Sometimes the best defense is a strong offense. In order to protect oneself from perceived negative image, the bully will act first to disprove fears about themselves.  This negative view of self is often buried in the subconscious; the more the bullying takes place, the further the negative view of self can be submerged into the subconscious.  The bully repeats aggressive behavior to reinforce this redefinition of self and further distance themselves from their own fears.  All of this is based on a misunderstanding of the concepts of fear and respect, loyalty and leadership.  Often bullies are naturally born leaders without anyone to teach them how to be a leader. 

In a Machiavellian manner, they believe that if others fear them, they have gained respect. This is a means of gaining the loyalty of those around them and promoting their position of power.  However, if we look under the surface of things, fear is driving the car.  By striking fear in others, the bully is able to compensate for themselves. They can have a sense of control over their victim when they feel out of control themselves.  Bullying forms a set of conditioned responses in the victim, so whether their victim responds with passivity or by reacting back, the bully assumes a means of controlling the response of their victims and taking their voice from them.

Children have emotional processes running in the background.  When they are tied to their subconscious understanding of self, those emotions have a powerful force.  Children, just as adults, who are unable to put words on their emotions are much more susceptible to being led by them.  By identifying their emotions and finding appropriate outlets for them, a child gains a clearer understanding of themselves and an increased ability to regulate their behavior. 

Meeting the child's needs

Children need to be met where they are.  Erik Erikson identified the developmental task of children between 6 and 12 as industry or inferiority.  Between 12 and 18, children are trying to develop ego identity.  It is important for parents and teachers alike to recognize that throughout both of these periods, children do not yet know themselves.  Indeed, this is truly a life-long process.  Parents, teachers and peers all play a powerful role in child development.  With this in mind, the question becomes not “if,” but “how” we will help them develop their identity.  To the extent that adults facilitate peer group interaction, they should be aware of the group dynamics and how each child fits into the system.  At this point, the adult is best able to positively direct group interactions for the best interests of each child. 

Combating the bullying child's fears and push for power is difficult, since what needs addressing is being buried consistently deeper by the child.  The bullying is their means of avoiding a painful confrontation of personal thoughts and feelings.  If, as a parent, you begin fearing the development of bullying behavior in your child, take the time to listen to them.  Parents often fail to realize the amount of influence that they can have with their children simply by being a safe person for their child, being trustworthy for their child and taking the time to hear them.  For some children, therapy can be a good opportunity for them to get to their underlying fears and consequently be able to build up, in a positive way, their God-given leadership abilities.   Again, the key to remember is that children are often looking for guidance and are trying to figure out who they are in the world around them.  As adults, we  have the difficult task of helping them develop and finding out who God is molding them to be.

Bullying 201: Empowering the Powerless

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

The child that is consistently picked on at school is rightly considered a “victim,” as they often feel vulnerable to the onslaught of abuse from their peers.  Fear overrides their internal system initiating a fight or flight response.  Those children who remain quiet and pensive in the midst of bullying seem to often internalize the words spoken or actions done to them by the perpetrator.  Instead of being able to build up their ego strength, they begin to believe that they are inherently flawed in their being.  Internal dialogues can begin building a child's self-identity in response to bullying.  “If I weren't such a loser, I wouldn't let them treat me this way.” “Maybe they are right and no one really does like me.”  “I am trash, worthless and can only be safe in isolation by myself.”  The bully begins defining their identity.

Emotional responses exist in conjunction with these cognitions.  Anger begins building toward the offender and even toward those who may give tacit consent to the bullying.  Often teachers, parents and peers discount bullying as simply a “part of life,” leaving the victim to feel even more isolated and misunderstood.  Sadness, anxiety follow quite easily.  They may feel as though they were the scape-goat and the focus of everyone's scorn and ridicule: a lightning rod for shame.  In these instances a child needs reassurance that they are not the cause of their own torment.  They need an advocate for them.

One of the great dangers inherent within bullying is the tendency for the victim to believe lies about themselves and lies about God's care for them: “God doesn't care that I have to go through this every day at school. Nobody cares.”  The more the negative self-image is reinforced through peers and even adults, the more entrenched it will become to the child's self-identity and thus more difficult to break.  In order to combat these lies, the child must be able to see themselves as a valuable image bearer of God who gives them worth.  They also need to know and experience human love which is symbolic of God's love. 

Even the child who chooses to stand up for themselves and talks back or fights back is being shaped by the bullying.  They are learning a survival-based pattern of interaction which shapes their understanding of the world as well as their place within the world.  Importantly, however, both categories of responses: fight or flight, can lead to perpetuating cycles of bullying.  As with cycles of abuse, the victim can easily become a wrongdoer and begin to become a bullier in order to “make up” for the way they perceive themselves.  Recognizing that everyone's heart is capable of the same depths of evil helps to safeguard against this mentality.  The child who is bullied needs to know and believe that the ones who attack them are acting wrongly, and that it is similarly unacceptable behavior for them repeat.

The differences between bullying and abuse are minimal.  Children who are subjected to daily ridicule, physical harm or neglect tend to develop a negative self-image.  When there is bullying at school and any type of abuse occurring in the home, the compound effects can be crippling.  The more factors there are in a child's life which reinforce a negative self-identity, the greater the risk to their well-being.  The student in school who has no friends and is shunned by others is being sent the message that they are unlovable and not worthy of even friendship.  God has created each one of us to be in relationships, not to be isolated individuals.  Help given to the bullied child should include attempts to foster positive social experiences.  Having at least one friend in school can dramatically change a child's experience for the better. 

Bullied children will often carry the “I'm defective” mentality into a therapy room.  Thus it is important for them to be given the chance to lead in the therapeutic process and speak from their own perspective as much as possible.  Group therapy for bullied individuals can be a powerful tool in shaping their world view.  Shared experiences and feelings can provide healing for those suffering from bullying.  They need to know that therapy is not about “fixing” them, but about reinforcing positive messages which equip and embolden them to own the truth and speak it clearly to themselves. “It is not my fault.  I do not have to let them define who I am, and who I will be.  I am a valuable child of God, despite what others might say or do to me.”  Helping a child to come to this place renders the bully powerless and allows the child to regain control of their identity.

Bullying 101

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Many children are all too familiar with the concept of bullying.  They could give you a definition simply by talking about their daily routine.  Bullying has gotten significant attention, especially in the past few years, due to a growing awareness of other forms of aggression that take place via the internet and through cell phones.  The popular movie from 2004, “Mean Girls,” caused many to focus attention on psychological bullying that exists in schools today.  Bullying is much more than  the use of physical force. It can also take the form of  verbalized taunts and threats or be relational in nature such as spreading of gossip or deliberately excluding one person. It can be based on race, gender, sexuality or personality.  Technology has made bullying easier and more convenient.  Consequently, now intimidation and belittling can be done through social media sites, blogs or through bombarding victims with text messages.  Dr. Dan Olweus, who is considered a pioneer in bullying research, has categorized it this way: "A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself."¹  Maybe this definition brings to memory your own childhood or maybe it is something your child is suffering with even now. 

One caution may be helpful to keep in mind.  It is possible to be over vigilant about bullying.  By this I mean that parents, teachers and other authority figures can begin to view everything through the expectation of bullying.  There exists a middle ground between indifference and hyper-sensitivity.  This middle ground ought to be one which does not ignore bullying that occurs, but it simultaneously keeps a realistic attitude towards it happening.   Bullying will take place, because not everything can be seen, but it must be dealt with to the greatest extent possible. This battle can be addressed from multiple fronts. 

1. Caring for the child who is bullied to minimize its impact
2. Working with the perpetrator to decrease bullying behavior
3. Helping parents to help their children
4. Working collaboratively with youth, parents and educators all together to educate and equip  them in proactively preventing bullying

The APA cites a 2001 study done of 15,000 youth from 6th through 10th grades.  This study found that  roughly one in five students reports being a bully or being a victim of bullying “'sometimes' or more.”²   The impact of this cannot be underestimated.  Not only does this affect their day to day lives, but bullying can have serious negative long-term consequences as it affects the individual's self-image.  It is my hope that you will find this month's blog informative and helpful, and that it provides you with tools to handle this difficult issue.

               

1 Olweus. What is Bullying?. Retrieved from http://olweus.org/public/bullying.page

2 American Psychological Association (October 29, 2004). School Bullying is Nothing New, But Psychologists Identify New Ways to Prevent It, Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/research/action/bullying.aspx