Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 4

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

When you're low on funds:

The holidays are full of pressures to give your loved ones the next best thing or the newest, shiniest, (fill in the blank).  But what about the sentiment behind it?  We often assume that more money spent on a gift means more love and sentiment behind it.  This makes so much sense when you think about gift-giving in terms of sacrifice.  Often, the pricier the item, the greater the sacrifice on the gift-giver's part.  But a financial sacrifice is just one of the ways in which to show you care.  Take heart, financially-strapped readers! There are lots of ways to express love and sentiment without breaking the bank. 

If you're crafty and creative, DIY!!! (Do it yourself).  There are literally THOUSANDS of ideas online for making inexpensive gifts for loved ones of all ages. 

If you're not so crafty, use your words.  One of my favorite gifts I've ever gotten was a sweet note in a pretty picture frame.  I've since done this for some of my close friends and it's always a hit! You don't have to spend a fortune on the frame.  Just find a simple frame, choose your paper and pen, and write out a note.  You can use a 3 point line.  Here's one example of a letter for a sister: "Merry Christmas to my sweet sister, my eternal best friend, and my beautiful example in Christ.  I love you more than you'll ever know!"  It's short, simple, and very sweet.  The chances are good that they won't even put a picture in the frame, but will prefer to keep the sentiment as the subject for years to come. 

If you're not crafty and you're not wordy, you can give your time and services.  Make a coupon book for favors or a pre-planned calendar of acts of service.  The coupon book is great if you're fairly flexible and can be accommodating to their schedules.   If you're a busy-bee, give them a calendar of events of things that you plan to do for them over the next few weeks, or months.  You can help around the house, babysit, walk their dogs, take them to coffee, plan a series of in-home movie nights - any number of things. 

The best gifts are often the gifts that require sacrifice.  Keep that in mind when you're thinking of your loved ones and stewing over what to give them.  We've probably all gotten the gift from the "wealthier" family member that required no thought or sentiment - but only a credit card and a fully staffed gift-wrapping station.  Those gifts are not the gifts we usually remember.  We remember the song someone wrote for us or the painting that our littlest family member did in art class and "wanted to give it" to us "for Christmas."  Finding ways to show your loved ones that you love and treasure them does not always have to mean elaborate presents or time-consuming projects.  Keep it simple.  Keep it real.  Merry Christmas readers!!

Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 3

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

When you're schedule is filled to the brim

Nothing jams up a schedule quite like the holiday season.  If this sounds like your life these days, take some time to sit down with your loved ones and pick and choose the collective favorites.  You don't have to do everything you used to do.  Just choose the ones that everyone (or the majority) agrees on and pencil those into your schedules.  You might even combine a few by doing them at the same time.  You could have one family member shopping for gifts online, another decorating the tree, and another addressing and stamping the endless Christmas card mailers - all while your favorite music or movie is playing in the background.  "What if," you ask, "Santa's little 'helpers' are a little on the little side?" That's a great question.  Take a deep breath and brace yourself for the answer: Don't be afraid to abandon the way you think things should happen.  The ornaments don't have to be perfectly placed.  The stamps don't have to be right-side up.  They'll mail just the same.  Or, if you need to have those things on the fast-track, you can have your little one "read" a book aloud to you while you're working or ya'll can talk about your favorite holiday traditions together.  You can play games like "Holiday Hi's and Low's" or "I Wish the Elf on the Shelf Hadn't Seen Me ______________" while you're working. (See below for game rules).  You might be surprised at some of your answers.  If your "little" one is VERY little, strap him or her to you and keep on going.  They'll be content because you're holding them (and bonding with your baby is facilitated) - and your hands will be free.  (Google: "baby slings" to find out how to fashion one on your own or how to purchase a pre-made version). 

Holiday Hi's and Low's:

Ask your child about their best moment (thus far) of the holiday season has been and their worst moment (thus far) has been.  If it's possible, repeat the "hi's," with your children and avoid the "low's."  It's also a great way to learn more about your child and their personal preferences.  You might be surprised by some of their answers.  :-)

I Wish the Elf on the Shelf Hadn't Seen Me____________:

Ask your child to fill in the blank.  It will not only provide some (more than likely) much needed humor to your day, but will also give your child the opportunity to show remorse for mistakes or slip-ups they may have made.  Parents can play too! Model for them your ability to own your mistakes.  Maybe you got way too upset when that car stole your parking place (and your Christmas spirit).  Or maybe you lost your temper when your child threw the fit in the store and you acted in a way that you shouldn't have.  It's just as important (if not moreso) to teach your child to take responsibility for bad behavior and work to change it as it is to never make a mistake in the first place.

Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 2

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

When your kids who once loved all of your holiday traditions are now rolling their eyes and putting in their ear buds

Families are always in a state of change.  Always.  No matter what.  This is a difficult reality for some to face if they're 100% committed to tradition - and the holidays are most likely the time when people would be committed to tradition.  However, some teenagers aren't always excited about making gingerbread houses, decorating cookies, stringing popcorn, or watching rudolph in their new Christmas jammies.  If this sounds like your family, congratulations!  It's normal.  Find a time to sit down with your teenagers and ask them which holiday traditions they're still interested in and which ones they're not.  If you're batting 0 for 0 (meaning they don't want to do any of your regularly scheduled items), give them the freedom to change the traditions up.  Let them put their own personal spin on it.  They'll be much more likely to participate if they can claim ownership over the activity.  They might even remind you that they have teeth by smiling a time or two.

Bond-Building During the Holidays

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

The holidays are here and with that comes a multitude of family traditions, emotions, and last but certainly not least, stressors.  One of the things that helps alleviate some of those stressors is participating in bond-building activities.  Most families have their traditional bond-building activities around this time of year.  Some families get together to watch movies, others decorate cookies, -perhaps a team of siblings is responsible for choosing their parents' gifts.  Whatever your traditions may be, these bond-building activities can help reduce some of the stress you might be feeling and increase a sense of warmth, well-being, and togetherness.  As you pull your animal-patterned snuggie tight around you as your favorite Christmas movie begins, or you "accidentally" botch the icing on one of the cookies so it won't get put in the neighbor's goodie-bag, or you hug the relative you haven't seen in a year, endorphins will be released in your brain which will cause those feelings of stress and anxiety go down. 

But what about those of us whose families are changing?  Or when the people we used to have holiday traditions with aren't able, available, or interested in participating this year?  What about those of us who aren't able to afford to do the same things this year that we are used to doing? 

This month, we will be briefly addressing some of those things.  "How to Create Bond-Building Experiences When..... Topics to be covered include: 1.) Things in your family structure have shifted, 2.) Your kids who once loved all of your holiday traditions are now rolling their eyes and putting in their ear buds, 3.) Your schedule is filled to the brim, and 4.) You're low on funds.

How to Create Bond-Building Experiences When Things in Your Family Structure Have Shifted

Families change.  People change.  Kids grow up.  Sometimes family members are lost.  Other times, they're gained.  Whatever your story may be, if your family structure has changed, don't expect for your holiday traditions to remain the same.  This puts unfair expectations on yourself and everyone else involved.  It can set you up for disappointment when you don't get the same feeling you used to get AND it can breed feelings of sadness or resentment toward the departed and/or additional member. 

Instead, take this time to consider your holiday traditions and how you can adapt them to fit your new family structure.  It could be that very few changes will need to be made in order to accommodate the new family structure.  Or, it could be that you'll need to create entirely new family traditions.  Sometimes, this is the best option because it allows you to remember your old traditions with fondness while creating something entirely new.  Take this opportunity to explore your creative side and come up with some fun or funky new traditions.  Your holiday season will be more merry and bright as a result.

Understanding the Importance of Encouragement

by Emily Suggs, LPC

In conclusion of November's blogs, "Understanding Your Child", I felt it important to focus on the importance of encouragement as a part of your child's development. It appears many people think they understand encouragement when they actually confuse encouragement with praise.  In Jane Nelson's book Positive Discipline, she clearly distinguishes between praise and encouragement. Praise is defined as "to express favorable judgment of, an expression of approval, or to glorify, especially by attribution of perfection." Encouragement is "to inspire with courage, or to spur on, stimulate." Praise teaches children to feel worthwhile when others approve or to be dependent on others’ approval, but encouragement teaches children to feel self-confident and how to think for themselves. An encouraging statement recognizes effort and improvement ("You gave it your best" or "Look how hard you worked") whereas a praise statement robs an individual of ownership of own achievements and implies perfection ("You did it right" or "I'm proud of you for getting an A").

For most parents, praise comes more naturally than encouragement. And if you are like me, then you probably thought you have been encouraging your child when in reality you have been using praise. However learning to use encouragement takes intentional practice. I have found a strategy that has been helpful in encouraging children.  The four “crucial C's” is rooted in the philosophy of Adlerian psychology and has been used to help parents nurture and encourage their children towards being successful members of society (Bettner and Lew, 2005). The crucial C's are 1)Connect, 2)Capable, 3)Count, and 4)Courage. Here is how these can be used to help encourage children. Ask yourself if your actions, words, and thoughts towards your child reflect these four areas:

Connect: Do you communicate that your child belongs and has a place in your family just the way they are? A child's family is his first experience with belonging to a group. If the family does not accept them unconditionally then how can they expect others to accept them without judgment? A child's family teaches him about being connected socially with others. Therefore it is very important what messages are communicated about a child's acceptance in the family.

Capable: Do you communicate to your child, "You can do it?" Children need to feel that they capable of accomplishing hard tasks. Never do for your children what they can do for themselves. Encourage them that they are capable of success.

Count: Do you communicate that your child's contribution to your family and society counts? Do you let her know that she can make a difference? Encourage that her dreams and aspirations matter. Encourage her to make a difference in society.

Courage: Do you communicate that it is okay to make mistakes? Or does your own anxiety and perfection hinder you from allowing your child to attempt new task? Children need to feel they can handle what comes. Allowing them to make mistakes and attempt new tasks gives them the courage to face life challenges. But when parents attempt to control all aspects of a child's life then they are actually robbing the child of the ability to develop resilience.

As this blog concludes this four week series, I hope it has equipped, empowered, and encouraged you to better understand your child, as well as to work towards being more attuned to the needs of your child. Remember parenting is hard work!  And takes an intentional, conscious decision to improve our skills as parents.

Understanding How Your Child's Birth Order Affects Behavior

by Emily Suggs, LPC

With kids out of school this week and traveling to visit family for Thanksgiving, chances are you will be around your children more than usual this week.  I always find it interesting to notice how siblings interact with one another during the holidays. The dreaded "sibling rivalry" will leave many parents pulling out their hair and  asking, "Why can't my kids just get along." You may even notice that some of what you are about to read even applies to your own siblings as well. My older brother still claims life was better before I came along and robbed him of being the center of attention. Although as adults we get along great and have outgrown our own sibling rivalry, it is clear how birth order has influenced the roles within our family along with our personalities.

Alfred Adler is known in the world of psychology as the pioneer of the birth order theory. He believed that the order of a child's birth in the family could influence their personality. Although there has been much debate from researchers about Adler's theory it cannot be denied that there are some truths to this theory. By understanding how birth order influences a child's feelings and behavior, a parent will be able to distinguish between normal sibling conflict and ways to address other behaviors in a proactive manner.

The following is a simplified overview of Adler's Birth Order Theory, but is not limited to the information provided.  Along with the birth order information, I have provided a challenge to keep in mind when interacting with your child.

The Only Child

• prefers to be the center of attention
•  likes to be leader or in charge
•  prefers adult company
• verbally articulate and mature
• may become over protected and spoiled

Challenge: Remember they are still a child, not an adult. Be careful not to over indulge or spoil.

The Oldest

• likes to be the leader or in charge
• parents often have high expectations
• overachievers
• very responsible and helpful
• bossy
• feels dethroned by siblings

Challenge: Find opportunities to entrust responsibilities but be careful that your expectations do not cause them to feel inadequate or stressed.

The Second

• competitive, tries to outdo everyone
• can be seen as a rebel
• wants to overtake older sibling
• independent
• expressive and creative
• often initiates sibling rivalry

Challenge: Help them discover their own unique talents and gifts without feeling like they are living in the shadow of the first born.

The Middle

• competitive
• good social skills
• adaptable
• feels forgotten
• even-tempered
• fights for justice

Challenge: Set aside one on one time so you communicate they are not forgotten. Encourage them to embrace their personality and good social skills.

The Youngest

• spoiled
• never "dethroned"
• often gets their way
• irresponsible
•  rule breaker
• charming and adventurous
• wants to be bigger than siblings

Challenge: Be careful not to enable the youngest child. Hold them accountable and empower them just like you would the first born. Be careful not to spoil or over indulge the "baby" of the family.

As you spend the next week with your children, think about how your child's birth order influences their behavior, as well as, the way they see their role in your family. How can you help nurture their role? How can you establish consistency and equality through your interactions with your children? How can you balance your expectations so they do not feel inadequate or forgotten? 

The Five Love Languages of Children

by Emily Suggs, LPC

In the 1990's, Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages changed the way many couples communicated love in their relationships. This simple yet powerful book empowered couples to discover the love language of their spouse. By understanding each other's language, couples are able to communicate love to one another. The same concept was later applied to parenting in Dr. Chapman's book The Five Love Languages of Children.  Dr. Chapman believes that love languages begin to form and develop at an early age. He teaches parents that by speaking the love language of your child one is actually strengthening the bond between a parent and a child.

Parents can underestimate the power feeling loved has on a child’s behavior, self esteem, and ability to function in society. The above diagram demonstrates that there are five love languages of children. Every child has one language that is the dominate language or need. When a child’s love language is not met he may feel empty and unloved.

Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation refers to words of encouragement. It could be a simple “I love you” or a “you are so special”, whatever the words, they must be verbal and they must be encouraging. For a child with this love language just hearing his parent encourage him or express love verbally “fills” his love tank and allows him to function at a greater potential in school, home, and life in general.

Acts of Kindness

Helping with your child with homework, packing her lunch, or helping her learn to ride her bike are all examples of acts of kindness.  These gestures for some children communicate love and respect.  By helping, fixing, and doing the child who experiences love through acts of kindness will feel happy and understood.

Receiving Gifts

Every child loves birthdays and Christmas because of the gifts, but this love language is not about receiving "toys." Often "receiving gifts" is misunderstood with being materialistic, however, a child with this specific love language it is more about the thought or the effort. It may not be an expensive item or even a toy. It may be a simple gesture or homemade gift that communicates "I was thinking of you" or "I made this for you."

Quality Time

Quality time is sometimes the hardest one for parents to communicate. The daily lives of most families are so busy and hectic that finding 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to spend with your child seems next to impossible. However, for a child who needs quality time it is extremely important to give him your undivided attention in order for them to truly feel loved.

Physical Touch

Does your child embrace you with hugs and embellish you with kisses? Does she love to snuggle and beg for you to lie down with them at bedtime? If this is the case then your child may feel loved best by physical touch. A hug or simple pat on the back can communicate care, concern, and love.

We all experience the love languages in different ways throughout our lives. However one or two specific languages will usually make one feel more loved than another. For children, the same is true. After reading about the five love languages of children, which one or two best describes your child?

Over the next week, ask yourself the following questions to help you identify the primary love language of your child.

• What is it my child is always asking me to do? (to play/talk, to hug, to help, to give, to encourage?)
• When does my child appear the happiest and most fulfilled?
• When does my child tend to misbehave the most? (when I don't spend time with him? when I don't show her affection? etc.)

Once the love language of your child has been determined, look for at least one way to communicate that love towards your child.  Allow for time before bed to talk to her about her day. Schedule a time to take your son to get ice cream. Surprise your daughter with a note of encouragement in her lunch box. Snuggle up and read a book together before bedtime. All of these are examples of ways to show love by speaking the love language of your child.