Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 4

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

When you're low on funds:

The holidays are full of pressures to give your loved ones the next best thing or the newest, shiniest, (fill in the blank).  But what about the sentiment behind it?  We often assume that more money spent on a gift means more love and sentiment behind it.  This makes so much sense when you think about gift-giving in terms of sacrifice.  Often, the pricier the item, the greater the sacrifice on the gift-giver's part.  But a financial sacrifice is just one of the ways in which to show you care.  Take heart, financially-strapped readers! There are lots of ways to express love and sentiment without breaking the bank. 

If you're crafty and creative, DIY!!! (Do it yourself).  There are literally THOUSANDS of ideas online for making inexpensive gifts for loved ones of all ages. 

If you're not so crafty, use your words.  One of my favorite gifts I've ever gotten was a sweet note in a pretty picture frame.  I've since done this for some of my close friends and it's always a hit! You don't have to spend a fortune on the frame.  Just find a simple frame, choose your paper and pen, and write out a note.  You can use a 3 point line.  Here's one example of a letter for a sister: "Merry Christmas to my sweet sister, my eternal best friend, and my beautiful example in Christ.  I love you more than you'll ever know!"  It's short, simple, and very sweet.  The chances are good that they won't even put a picture in the frame, but will prefer to keep the sentiment as the subject for years to come. 

If you're not crafty and you're not wordy, you can give your time and services.  Make a coupon book for favors or a pre-planned calendar of acts of service.  The coupon book is great if you're fairly flexible and can be accommodating to their schedules.   If you're a busy-bee, give them a calendar of events of things that you plan to do for them over the next few weeks, or months.  You can help around the house, babysit, walk their dogs, take them to coffee, plan a series of in-home movie nights - any number of things. 

The best gifts are often the gifts that require sacrifice.  Keep that in mind when you're thinking of your loved ones and stewing over what to give them.  We've probably all gotten the gift from the "wealthier" family member that required no thought or sentiment - but only a credit card and a fully staffed gift-wrapping station.  Those gifts are not the gifts we usually remember.  We remember the song someone wrote for us or the painting that our littlest family member did in art class and "wanted to give it" to us "for Christmas."  Finding ways to show your loved ones that you love and treasure them does not always have to mean elaborate presents or time-consuming projects.  Keep it simple.  Keep it real.  Merry Christmas readers!!

Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 3

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

When you're schedule is filled to the brim

Nothing jams up a schedule quite like the holiday season.  If this sounds like your life these days, take some time to sit down with your loved ones and pick and choose the collective favorites.  You don't have to do everything you used to do.  Just choose the ones that everyone (or the majority) agrees on and pencil those into your schedules.  You might even combine a few by doing them at the same time.  You could have one family member shopping for gifts online, another decorating the tree, and another addressing and stamping the endless Christmas card mailers - all while your favorite music or movie is playing in the background.  "What if," you ask, "Santa's little 'helpers' are a little on the little side?" That's a great question.  Take a deep breath and brace yourself for the answer: Don't be afraid to abandon the way you think things should happen.  The ornaments don't have to be perfectly placed.  The stamps don't have to be right-side up.  They'll mail just the same.  Or, if you need to have those things on the fast-track, you can have your little one "read" a book aloud to you while you're working or ya'll can talk about your favorite holiday traditions together.  You can play games like "Holiday Hi's and Low's" or "I Wish the Elf on the Shelf Hadn't Seen Me ______________" while you're working. (See below for game rules).  You might be surprised at some of your answers.  If your "little" one is VERY little, strap him or her to you and keep on going.  They'll be content because you're holding them (and bonding with your baby is facilitated) - and your hands will be free.  (Google: "baby slings" to find out how to fashion one on your own or how to purchase a pre-made version). 

Holiday Hi's and Low's:

Ask your child about their best moment (thus far) of the holiday season has been and their worst moment (thus far) has been.  If it's possible, repeat the "hi's," with your children and avoid the "low's."  It's also a great way to learn more about your child and their personal preferences.  You might be surprised by some of their answers.  :-)

I Wish the Elf on the Shelf Hadn't Seen Me____________:

Ask your child to fill in the blank.  It will not only provide some (more than likely) much needed humor to your day, but will also give your child the opportunity to show remorse for mistakes or slip-ups they may have made.  Parents can play too! Model for them your ability to own your mistakes.  Maybe you got way too upset when that car stole your parking place (and your Christmas spirit).  Or maybe you lost your temper when your child threw the fit in the store and you acted in a way that you shouldn't have.  It's just as important (if not moreso) to teach your child to take responsibility for bad behavior and work to change it as it is to never make a mistake in the first place.

Bond-Building During the Holidays, Part 2

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

When your kids who once loved all of your holiday traditions are now rolling their eyes and putting in their ear buds

Families are always in a state of change.  Always.  No matter what.  This is a difficult reality for some to face if they're 100% committed to tradition - and the holidays are most likely the time when people would be committed to tradition.  However, some teenagers aren't always excited about making gingerbread houses, decorating cookies, stringing popcorn, or watching rudolph in their new Christmas jammies.  If this sounds like your family, congratulations!  It's normal.  Find a time to sit down with your teenagers and ask them which holiday traditions they're still interested in and which ones they're not.  If you're batting 0 for 0 (meaning they don't want to do any of your regularly scheduled items), give them the freedom to change the traditions up.  Let them put their own personal spin on it.  They'll be much more likely to participate if they can claim ownership over the activity.  They might even remind you that they have teeth by smiling a time or two.

Bond-Building During the Holidays

by Emily Rankin, MAMFT

The holidays are here and with that comes a multitude of family traditions, emotions, and last but certainly not least, stressors.  One of the things that helps alleviate some of those stressors is participating in bond-building activities.  Most families have their traditional bond-building activities around this time of year.  Some families get together to watch movies, others decorate cookies, -perhaps a team of siblings is responsible for choosing their parents' gifts.  Whatever your traditions may be, these bond-building activities can help reduce some of the stress you might be feeling and increase a sense of warmth, well-being, and togetherness.  As you pull your animal-patterned snuggie tight around you as your favorite Christmas movie begins, or you "accidentally" botch the icing on one of the cookies so it won't get put in the neighbor's goodie-bag, or you hug the relative you haven't seen in a year, endorphins will be released in your brain which will cause those feelings of stress and anxiety go down. 

But what about those of us whose families are changing?  Or when the people we used to have holiday traditions with aren't able, available, or interested in participating this year?  What about those of us who aren't able to afford to do the same things this year that we are used to doing? 

This month, we will be briefly addressing some of those things.  "How to Create Bond-Building Experiences When..... Topics to be covered include: 1.) Things in your family structure have shifted, 2.) Your kids who once loved all of your holiday traditions are now rolling their eyes and putting in their ear buds, 3.) Your schedule is filled to the brim, and 4.) You're low on funds.

How to Create Bond-Building Experiences When Things in Your Family Structure Have Shifted

Families change.  People change.  Kids grow up.  Sometimes family members are lost.  Other times, they're gained.  Whatever your story may be, if your family structure has changed, don't expect for your holiday traditions to remain the same.  This puts unfair expectations on yourself and everyone else involved.  It can set you up for disappointment when you don't get the same feeling you used to get AND it can breed feelings of sadness or resentment toward the departed and/or additional member. 

Instead, take this time to consider your holiday traditions and how you can adapt them to fit your new family structure.  It could be that very few changes will need to be made in order to accommodate the new family structure.  Or, it could be that you'll need to create entirely new family traditions.  Sometimes, this is the best option because it allows you to remember your old traditions with fondness while creating something entirely new.  Take this opportunity to explore your creative side and come up with some fun or funky new traditions.  Your holiday season will be more merry and bright as a result.

Understanding the Importance of Encouragement

by Emily Suggs, LPC

In conclusion of November's blogs, "Understanding Your Child", I felt it important to focus on the importance of encouragement as a part of your child's development. It appears many people think they understand encouragement when they actually confuse encouragement with praise.  In Jane Nelson's book Positive Discipline, she clearly distinguishes between praise and encouragement. Praise is defined as "to express favorable judgment of, an expression of approval, or to glorify, especially by attribution of perfection." Encouragement is "to inspire with courage, or to spur on, stimulate." Praise teaches children to feel worthwhile when others approve or to be dependent on others’ approval, but encouragement teaches children to feel self-confident and how to think for themselves. An encouraging statement recognizes effort and improvement ("You gave it your best" or "Look how hard you worked") whereas a praise statement robs an individual of ownership of own achievements and implies perfection ("You did it right" or "I'm proud of you for getting an A").

For most parents, praise comes more naturally than encouragement. And if you are like me, then you probably thought you have been encouraging your child when in reality you have been using praise. However learning to use encouragement takes intentional practice. I have found a strategy that has been helpful in encouraging children.  The four “crucial C's” is rooted in the philosophy of Adlerian psychology and has been used to help parents nurture and encourage their children towards being successful members of society (Bettner and Lew, 2005). The crucial C's are 1)Connect, 2)Capable, 3)Count, and 4)Courage. Here is how these can be used to help encourage children. Ask yourself if your actions, words, and thoughts towards your child reflect these four areas:

Connect: Do you communicate that your child belongs and has a place in your family just the way they are? A child's family is his first experience with belonging to a group. If the family does not accept them unconditionally then how can they expect others to accept them without judgment? A child's family teaches him about being connected socially with others. Therefore it is very important what messages are communicated about a child's acceptance in the family.

Capable: Do you communicate to your child, "You can do it?" Children need to feel that they capable of accomplishing hard tasks. Never do for your children what they can do for themselves. Encourage them that they are capable of success.

Count: Do you communicate that your child's contribution to your family and society counts? Do you let her know that she can make a difference? Encourage that her dreams and aspirations matter. Encourage her to make a difference in society.

Courage: Do you communicate that it is okay to make mistakes? Or does your own anxiety and perfection hinder you from allowing your child to attempt new task? Children need to feel they can handle what comes. Allowing them to make mistakes and attempt new tasks gives them the courage to face life challenges. But when parents attempt to control all aspects of a child's life then they are actually robbing the child of the ability to develop resilience.

As this blog concludes this four week series, I hope it has equipped, empowered, and encouraged you to better understand your child, as well as to work towards being more attuned to the needs of your child. Remember parenting is hard work!  And takes an intentional, conscious decision to improve our skills as parents.

Understanding How Your Child's Birth Order Affects Behavior

by Emily Suggs, LPC

With kids out of school this week and traveling to visit family for Thanksgiving, chances are you will be around your children more than usual this week.  I always find it interesting to notice how siblings interact with one another during the holidays. The dreaded "sibling rivalry" will leave many parents pulling out their hair and  asking, "Why can't my kids just get along." You may even notice that some of what you are about to read even applies to your own siblings as well. My older brother still claims life was better before I came along and robbed him of being the center of attention. Although as adults we get along great and have outgrown our own sibling rivalry, it is clear how birth order has influenced the roles within our family along with our personalities.

Alfred Adler is known in the world of psychology as the pioneer of the birth order theory. He believed that the order of a child's birth in the family could influence their personality. Although there has been much debate from researchers about Adler's theory it cannot be denied that there are some truths to this theory. By understanding how birth order influences a child's feelings and behavior, a parent will be able to distinguish between normal sibling conflict and ways to address other behaviors in a proactive manner.

The following is a simplified overview of Adler's Birth Order Theory, but is not limited to the information provided.  Along with the birth order information, I have provided a challenge to keep in mind when interacting with your child.

The Only Child

• prefers to be the center of attention
•  likes to be leader or in charge
•  prefers adult company
• verbally articulate and mature
• may become over protected and spoiled

Challenge: Remember they are still a child, not an adult. Be careful not to over indulge or spoil.

The Oldest

• likes to be the leader or in charge
• parents often have high expectations
• overachievers
• very responsible and helpful
• bossy
• feels dethroned by siblings

Challenge: Find opportunities to entrust responsibilities but be careful that your expectations do not cause them to feel inadequate or stressed.

The Second

• competitive, tries to outdo everyone
• can be seen as a rebel
• wants to overtake older sibling
• independent
• expressive and creative
• often initiates sibling rivalry

Challenge: Help them discover their own unique talents and gifts without feeling like they are living in the shadow of the first born.

The Middle

• competitive
• good social skills
• adaptable
• feels forgotten
• even-tempered
• fights for justice

Challenge: Set aside one on one time so you communicate they are not forgotten. Encourage them to embrace their personality and good social skills.

The Youngest

• spoiled
• never "dethroned"
• often gets their way
• irresponsible
•  rule breaker
• charming and adventurous
• wants to be bigger than siblings

Challenge: Be careful not to enable the youngest child. Hold them accountable and empower them just like you would the first born. Be careful not to spoil or over indulge the "baby" of the family.

As you spend the next week with your children, think about how your child's birth order influences their behavior, as well as, the way they see their role in your family. How can you help nurture their role? How can you establish consistency and equality through your interactions with your children? How can you balance your expectations so they do not feel inadequate or forgotten? 

The Five Love Languages of Children

by Emily Suggs, LPC

In the 1990's, Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages changed the way many couples communicated love in their relationships. This simple yet powerful book empowered couples to discover the love language of their spouse. By understanding each other's language, couples are able to communicate love to one another. The same concept was later applied to parenting in Dr. Chapman's book The Five Love Languages of Children.  Dr. Chapman believes that love languages begin to form and develop at an early age. He teaches parents that by speaking the love language of your child one is actually strengthening the bond between a parent and a child.

Parents can underestimate the power feeling loved has on a child’s behavior, self esteem, and ability to function in society. The above diagram demonstrates that there are five love languages of children. Every child has one language that is the dominate language or need. When a child’s love language is not met he may feel empty and unloved.

Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation refers to words of encouragement. It could be a simple “I love you” or a “you are so special”, whatever the words, they must be verbal and they must be encouraging. For a child with this love language just hearing his parent encourage him or express love verbally “fills” his love tank and allows him to function at a greater potential in school, home, and life in general.

Acts of Kindness

Helping with your child with homework, packing her lunch, or helping her learn to ride her bike are all examples of acts of kindness.  These gestures for some children communicate love and respect.  By helping, fixing, and doing the child who experiences love through acts of kindness will feel happy and understood.

Receiving Gifts

Every child loves birthdays and Christmas because of the gifts, but this love language is not about receiving "toys." Often "receiving gifts" is misunderstood with being materialistic, however, a child with this specific love language it is more about the thought or the effort. It may not be an expensive item or even a toy. It may be a simple gesture or homemade gift that communicates "I was thinking of you" or "I made this for you."

Quality Time

Quality time is sometimes the hardest one for parents to communicate. The daily lives of most families are so busy and hectic that finding 30 minutes of uninterrupted time to spend with your child seems next to impossible. However, for a child who needs quality time it is extremely important to give him your undivided attention in order for them to truly feel loved.

Physical Touch

Does your child embrace you with hugs and embellish you with kisses? Does she love to snuggle and beg for you to lie down with them at bedtime? If this is the case then your child may feel loved best by physical touch. A hug or simple pat on the back can communicate care, concern, and love.

We all experience the love languages in different ways throughout our lives. However one or two specific languages will usually make one feel more loved than another. For children, the same is true. After reading about the five love languages of children, which one or two best describes your child?

Over the next week, ask yourself the following questions to help you identify the primary love language of your child.

• What is it my child is always asking me to do? (to play/talk, to hug, to help, to give, to encourage?)
• When does my child appear the happiest and most fulfilled?
• When does my child tend to misbehave the most? (when I don't spend time with him? when I don't show her affection? etc.)

Once the love language of your child has been determined, look for at least one way to communicate that love towards your child.  Allow for time before bed to talk to her about her day. Schedule a time to take your son to get ice cream. Surprise your daughter with a note of encouragement in her lunch box. Snuggle up and read a book together before bedtime. All of these are examples of ways to show love by speaking the love language of your child.  

Understanding Your Child

by Emily Suggs, LPC

In working with families, I believe it is essential for to understand the uniqueness of how God created our child.  Every child has been created differently and I feel it is important for parents to embrace that uniqueness. A part of embracing the uniqueness is engaging in a process of discovering your child's personality  and potential.  There are a number of resources that exist which address child development, discipline, and parenting. Over the next four weeks, I plan to use a variety of resources I have used in my private practice  to help equip parents to better understand who their child is and how to embrace their child's strengths and weaknesses.

In the next weeks, I will address four areas.  Most parents desire for their child to grow up to be healthy and successful. Sometimes parents have concerns about whether their child's behaviors (or misbehaviors)  when in reality it falls within the normal range of an healthy individual. Throughout the next few weeks I will even challenge you with "homework" assignments to put some of these concepts into practice.

Week 1:  How can you embrace your child's personality?

Week 2: How can you help your child feel loved?

Week 3: How does birth order influence your child's perspective on life?

Week 4: How can you help my child reach his/her full potential?

There is a variety of research and information about personality development . There are even online profiles and tests that one can take to discover one's specific personality type. However, it is not  quite as easy when it comes to the personality of children. A person's personality can change tremendously throughout a lifetime sometimes due to family or environment influences and other times due to natural growth and development.  Yet I still find it helpful for parenting when you  are able to identify the natural tendencies of your child.

In working with children and families, I use the following four categories and have parents identify which of the following four animals best describes their child?

The Turtle: This personality may come across slow and methodical but they tend to be very analytical and precise. They do things with perfection and expect others not to rush them. They may be satisfied with being alone rather than with large crowds. However when they face stress or conflict, they will retreat to their shell for safety.

The Frog: This personality has lots of energy. They naturally leap through life. They are very friendly as well as outgoing and love being around people. When faced with a challenge, the frog's motto is "it's all good." They are adaptable and active. Although they are happy and fun, their social nature may get them in trouble when they talk too much at school or are constantly jumping from one thing to another.

The Alligator: This personality is what many adults know as the "A" type personality. They are happy as long as things go their way. When they face having to conform to the rules of others, they can become unruly. When embraced, they can be great leaders and very successful. They usually have a plan of how they would like things to be. Challenge that plan and it may be like trying to trap an alligator.

The Dragonfly: This personality lives in the moment. They have strength and power yet prefer peace and harmony. They are often cooperative and show empathy towards others. They can often put others needs before their own as well as worries about pleasing others. Because of this other may take advantage of their cooperative nature leaving them feeling hurt and disrespected.

After reading these descriptions, you may feel your child fits into more than one category. That is extremely common since our personality development is a very complex process.  The basis of providing the four categories is to help parents better understand that many strengths and weaknesses noticed in our children are due to personality types. Even as I am typing, my youngest daughter who has many traits consitent with the "frog" will not leave my side because she does not want to be alone and is talking non-stop.  Through understanding her personality, I know what to expect from her and how God designed her.  By knowing this, there are some specific things parents can do to embrace rather than smother their child's potential.

The Turtle:  The Turtle needs patience and gentleness. Impatience and anger only force her  to withdraw in her shell.  Let her know it is okay to not be perfect and make mistakes. Mistakes are a part of life.  Encourage and teach her to communicate feelings rather keeping them hidden inside.  When others hurt or disappoint her, be sensitive towards her feelings and do not dismiss how she feels. Allow her space or a time out when she needs  to calm down or process a situation.

The Frog:  The Frog is full of life and needs to be allowed to express his energy. By finding ways to allow him to use his energy in a positive manner, he learns to embrace his design. Although the frog can  be frustrating  and overwhelming for his parents with his constant chatter and excessive energy, he is very fragile and sensitive to criticism. The Frog may need to be taught specific skills that come natural for the other personalities. He may need to learn how to relax and calm down as well as self discipline and organizational skills.

The Alligator: The Alligator often rubs people in authority the wrong way. He is often misunderstood. Because his strong willed nature, he is often thought to be disrespecful and rebellious. When in fact he just likes to be the leader and make decisions. Balancing teaching respect and embracing the alligators design is a challenge for most parents. Some parents  feel the best way to tame him is to force him into submission. However, this approach only forces him to be more angry and rebellious. The alligator needs  a firm yet kind approach that allows him to make some choices when appropriate but also teaches him respect for others.

The Dragonfly: The Dragonfly because of its easygoing nature receives a lot of praise for all she does correctly. On the surface this trait appears to be a good thing, but actually makes her self-worth dependent on the approval and praise of others. Because she likes peace and harmony, she may forfeit her own happiness for the approval and happiness of others. This sounds very selfless and healthy when however it is very unhealthy. It is important to equip the dragonfly with the assertiveness to know when and how to take care of her own needs.

Homework for this week: After reading this entry, ask yourself which personality type best describes your child (or children) and look for one way you can embrace your child's personality this week.

The Examined Life

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

It was Socrates who said, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” and indeed, reflection is an important part of both life and parenting. Reflection is step five of the parenting with play steps that were laid at the beginning of the month.

5 Steps for Parenting with Play

1.  Learn when it’s appropriate
2.  Prepare yourself
3.  Establish some routine
4. Get some tools in your belt
5. Reflect, reflect, reflect 

Here are some questions to prompt reflection:

• What ways have you successfully used play in parenting?
• Think of a recent parenting situation (using play) that went well. What did you like about it? How did you feel about your child when it was over?
• Think of a recent parenting situation that did not go well. What parts of it were you unhappy with? How did you feel about your child when it was over? How did you feel about yourself?
• What stands in the way of you using more play in your parenting?

Building a Tool Belt

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Routine play, the focus of last week’s blog, is an important building block for establishing a strong parent-child relationship. But the benefits and uses of play extend far outside of routine play. As mentioned in week 1, play is appropriate not only for building relationship, but also for encouraging cooperation, reconnecting when you’ve taken the low road in parenting, and helping your child when he is emotionally stuck. This week will be devoted to helping you build your play tool belt, so to speak, in order that you may be prepared to use play in daily (non-routine) parenting.

Below is a list of playful ways to tackle some typical parenting challenges, like whining, hitting or kicking, and using unkind words. These ideas are most appropriate for preschoolers or young grade school children, but you can adapt them to be more age appropriate if your child is older. As you read the list below and think about ways in which to make your own parenting more playful, consider the strengths you identified in your child; you will want to harness those strengths.

You can use these steps as a guide for making sure your tools are implemented as effectively as possible.

1. Validate your child’s desire and/or feelings (‘You’re angry that we can’t play longer” or “You really want juice and we don’t have any.”)
2. Set a limit, which basically means noting that his current actions are not okay (“It’s not okay to hit.”
3. Pull out a tool from your belt (see below).

• The magic wand. The magic wand is great for kids who like pretend, imaginative play. When your child wants something he cannot have, use your magic wand to grant it to him in fantasy. In my home, both my daughter and I have magic wands, which we keep in our pretend pockets. Occasionally my daughter asks for things that I cannot give her; for example, she may request juice, but we are out. Sometimes this reality of no juice is harder for her to accept than others. During those difficult times, we get out our magic wands, say a little rhyme in which she states what she wants, and then tap her cup to “turn” water into the juice of her choice. We then continue our pretending by talking about what her juice tastes like.
• The benefit: The magic wand, which allows you to grant in fantasy what you can’t in reality, gives your child the experience of being heard and helps him learn that he can manage disappointments in his life.
• Put it in my pocket. Your pocket can be the perfect place for holding energetic activity that is not appropriate for your current location. For example, if you’re in the library and your child is running around or playfully screaming with other kids, have him pour or spit out (whichever you deem appropriate) all of his screams into his hands and put them in your pocket. Make a big production of it, so that he is able to do something that (appropriately) releases some of his energy. Hold them safely in your pocket and release them outside when you’re in a more appropriate environment. Sometimes you may even have some of your own energetic screams to release while your child is releasing his!
• The benefit: Put it in my pocket helps establish and develop self-control.
• Jump out your angrys (or your unkind words). When you see your child beginning to hit, kick, or use unkind words, it’s tempting to focus on stopping the behavior instead of understanding what’s going on. Instead, lean into his emotions and encourage him to jump them out or release them in another physical way. Be creative, and encourage movement that your child enjoys, like jumping, running, or even shouting.
• The benefit: It’s inevitable that your child will experience feelings of anger or upset in his life. Jumping out your angrys provides a safe, physical release for his strong feelings.
• Use music. Let’s face it: life is full of things that are not fun. If your child balks at daily chores, like brushing teeth or hair and getting dressed, make them more enjoyable by adding music. Create your own silly songs; to make it easier, use melodies from well-known kids’ songs like Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
• The benefit: Music engages a different part of the brain than spoken language. Pre-empt power struggles by changing the way you attack mundane, daily chores.
• Find your strong voice. Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting suggests dealing with whining by asking your child to find his strong voice. You can do this by pretending that your child’s strong voice is hiding or lost, and physically looking around the room for it. In my home this has evolved into a game in which both my daughter and I shout for her strong voice to come back (because it is lost). Once the strong voice hears us and gets close enough, she gobbles it up into her mouth and tries her original request using her new voice.
• The benefit: No child is exempt from whining. Find your strong voice helps your child realize he has the power to verbalize his request in a new, more acceptable way. It also focuses on empowering your child rather than on what he should stop doing. Plus it’s way more fun than simply saying, “Stop whining.”

Implementing these tools may take some practice on the parts of both you and your child, and it’s okay if it doesn’t work the first time. Don’t be discouraged if it takes a couple of tries (on separate occasions) for your child to engage with you in this new way. Remember that to be successful, you must be in control of your own emotions and your actions – you are the model for your child!

Routine Play?

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Over the past two weeks, we’ve detailed the beginning steps to using play in parenting. Remember that using play in parenting is a great way, perhaps even the best way, to improve your relationship with your child. A strong parent-child relationship means less struggles and more fun and enjoyment. Establish some routine, step three, is the focus for today.

What in the world is routine play? Don’t worry, it’s not as boring as it sounds! Routine play is something that happens routinely; ideally daily, for approximately 15 minutes each day. Fifteen minutes of your day equates to approximately 1/56 of your waking time each day, yet this small amount of time can have a significant impact on your relationship with your child. This intentional daily play is the building block for a great relationship because it means that you are taking the time to speak your child’s language every day.

Here are some guidelines for establishing routine play in your home.

• Set aside distractions. Turn off the computer and tv, and set aside your iphone. Don’t answer calls or allow interruptions during these 15 minutes. Your child is the priority!
• Give each child a turn. Allot 15 minutes/day per child so that each child has gets to experience a share of your undivided attention.
• Consider your child’s age. Babies and young toddlers may not have the attention span for 15 uninterrupted minutes of play. Break up this time into smaller segments and spread them throughout the day or afternoon.
• Keep the commitment. Never make routine play contingent on behavior. It can be tempting to withhold your play time because your child has behaved poorly on a given day, but this is not wise. Routine play times are special because they demonstrate your desire to know and relate to your child, something that should not fluctuate due to behavior. Handle poor behavior through other means (natural consequences, time in, etc), but always keep the commitment to routine play.
• Play early. Don’t use the last 15 minutes of your child’s day, when he is tired and not in peak shape, for routine play. When possible, schedule your routine play early in the day. Playing early in the day is like eating a healthy breakfast: it sets the tone for your day.
• Let your child lead the play and give you direction. Your role during routine play is to tune into your child. Let your child know that you are tuned in by getting on his level, positioning your body toward him, verbalizing his actions and reflecting his words.
• Get the whole family involved. Think about routine play on a bigger scale. Consider establishing a weekly family game night, art night, or dance party night. Be creative! Your child will look forward to such nights with anticipation! 

Take some time this week to think about and begin establishing routine play in your home.

Preparing Yourself for Play

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

Last week I provided these Five Steps for Parenting with Play:

1.  Learn when it’s appropriate
2. Prepare yourself
3. Establish some routine
4. Get some tools in your belt
5.  Reflect, reflect, reflect

This week we’re going to focus on preparing yourself, a step that might be tempting to overlook, but is key to the process. Someone once noted, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Using play in parenting is no exception.

There are two main considerations that fall under the category of preparation: 1) knowing your child, and 2) knowing yourself. It’s important to evaluate your child’s strengths, because you want to harness those strengths when playing with your child. Does she have a great imagination? Is he brave? Strong? Determined? Understanding your child’s strengths and putting them to work for you ensures that you’re not working harder than you have to. In addition to knowing your child’s strengths, it’s important to identify his triggers as well. Identifying your child’s triggers gives you a better understanding of the challenges your child faces, as well as gives you the opportunity to see how they could potentially pair together with his strengths.

It’s not enough to know your child’s strengths and triggers, you need to know your own as well. The variables that you bring to the table affect the relationship as well. First, be aware of how you tend to play. Do you tend to prefer neat ways of play in order to avoid the stress and tension of disorder? Perhaps you tend to structure your child’s play through suggestions? Maybe you tend to stay on the sidelines while your child is playing, such that interaction is limited? After identifying your tendencies, consider conducting an experiment by stepping outside of your typical role while engaging with your child in a different way (we’ll talk more about this next week). If you find that you’re resistant to changing your role, ask yourself, “what’s holding me back?”

In order to be fully attuned with your child, you need to make sure that your own needs are being met. You are responsible for meeting your child’s needs but you are also responsible for meeting your own. Self-care looks different for each person: some need alone time, some need social time; some need sleep and better meals; all need exercise. Identify your needs and work to fulfill them prescriptively. Parents whose own needs are met have more energy, patience, and love to give their children.

All parents have times when they experience emotional upset as a result of something that their child is doing. As a parent, it is critically important that you understand your own triggers, relating to both your child and otherwise. It is not uncommon for wounds from our own childhoods to surface as we face parenting challenges. Your ability to effectively manage these reactions will affect your relationship with your child. If you find yourself being triggered by your child’s actions such that old wounds are constantly coming up, seek the help of a therapist to work through these issues. Parenting from the Inside Out, by Daniel Siegel, is an excellent resource for these challenges.

Making Parenting WORK

by Alyssa Hasson, MAMFT

It’s no secret that discipline is on the minds of many parents. From the number of children who enter our practice due to behavior problems to the number of books and websites that abound on the topic, it’s clear that discipline is a common challenge for parents. This month we’re going to address discipline indirectly by talking about discipline’s partner: relationship. So whether you’re looking to better your relationship, decrease struggles, or simply have more fun with your child, this series is for you.

The Benefits of Using Play in Parenting

Parenting is a two-step. Essentially this means that parenting is comprised of two things that are different, yet intimately related. One is discipline. The other is relationship. In parenting, discipline and relationship go hand-in-hand; both must be present for an effective relationship. So if you find yourself constantly seeking tools to combat bad behavior, it’s important to take a step back and evaluate your relationship with your child. A strong relationship with your child will make discipline easier. Why is this so? Children who have strong relationships with their parents want to please them, and act (more often) accordingly. Here’s an example of how this works… Imagine for a moment that your spouse has a complaint to bring to your attention. Your ability to receive the complaint is affected by the current status of your relationship. If your relationship is in a state of stress and you haven’t spent much time together due to family, work, or other concerns, chances are you would be less likely to accommodate your spouse’s request willingly or perhaps even at all. But if your relationship is strong, you are more likely to want to please your spouse and accommodate the request. The state of the relationship is the key, and it’s important not only between spouses, but also between parents and children.

Incorporating play into your parenting is an excellent way to build relationship with your child. What makes play an effective relationship builder? First and foremost, play is a child’s natural language. When you incorporate play into your relationship with your child, you have the opportunity to connect on a different, deeper level because you’re speaking your child’s language. But there are other benefits to play as well. Play is a source of stress relief for children, and children who feel better behave better. Play is also the avenue through which children master skills, regulate emotions, and interact socially. Play is an essential part of childhood!

Using play in parenting requires some planning and forethought, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. The following five steps are designed to help you bring more play into your parenting. We’ll be focusing on one step each week.

5 Steps for Parenting with Play

1.  Learn when it’s appropriate
2. Prepare yourself
3. Establish some routine
4. Get some tools in your belt
5. Reflect, reflect, reflect

Step 1: Learn when it’s Appropriate

When is it appropriate to use play in parenting?  Perhaps a more easily answered question is: When is it not appropriate to use play? Play should not be used in dangerous situations, such as if your child runs into the street or is playing with matches. Play should also not be used as the initial response to your child’s emotions, meaning if your child is upset, scared, etc, you shouldn’t use play as an attempt to talk him out of his feelings (in these situations, you should validate his feelings so he learns that his big feelings are natural and manageable).

Play is appropriate in many situations, and is great for 1) building relationship, 2) encouraging cooperation, 3) reconnecting when you’ve taken the low road in parenting (i.e. done something you didn’t want to do), and 4) helping your child when he is emotionally stuck. If you’ve made a low road parenting decision, make sure you authentically apologize to your child and listen to his thoughts about the situation before reconnecting through play. The same authenticity is necessary for helping a child who is emotionally stuck. When you have validated a child’s feelings several times and he cannot move past the emotion in a reasonable amount of time, play becomes an appropriate avenue to help your child move forward. This week, try to identify some situations in your parenting that you could change by adding play. 

Making Sense of Your Child's Grief, Part 4: Grieving to Connect

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Bringing this month's series on “Making Sense of Your Child's Grief” to a close is a short story relating to grief that was shared with me once.  A man had a parakeet whom he loved dearly.  One day while vacuuming his house, he accidentally sucked his precious pet parakeet up into the bag full of dust.  The man who owned the parakeet responded frantically.  The parakeet was relieved, finally being freed from the vacuum; but to his dismay, the owner proceeded to rinse the parakeet off under running water and began drowning him.  He realized shortly thereafter that he was actually doing harm!  The man hastily got his blow dryer out and began to dry the parakeet off.  The parakeet lost many of his feathers in the process.  He did survive, but he was never the same.  Clearly the man loved his parakeet and was trying to do what was best for him, but he actually kept worsening his parakeet's condition.   Grief leaves us forever changed and often we don't know how to help others in grief.  By trying to help them, sometimes we actually make things worse for them.  Sometimes we need to meet our own needs before we can help our children in need.  This man in panic was a source of further distress for his pet.  He needed to first become calm in order to best help his bird.

Parents have griefs of their own, which make it more difficult for them to fully enter into their child's state of mind.  In order to be the best help to your children, take the time to process your own emotions and grieve.  Psychologist Erich Fromm was quoted as saying: “To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”  We want to avoid grief, but emotional numbness can ensue, which closes us off from feeling even the positive emotions that help us to connect with one another.  This distances us from those that we love the most.   The man with the parakeet was actually not putting the best interests of his bird in front, but what he thought the bird needed.  Take care of yourself so that you can provide the best care for your child.  Taking care of your own grief needs shows to your children that we are created with emotions, all of which are good.  “Sorrow is better than laughter, for by a sad countenance the heart is made better.  The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth” Ecclesiastes 7:3-4.

These references were useful in putting together this month's blog:

Coehn, Judith, A. et al., 2006, Treating Trauma and Traumatic Grief in Children and Adolescents, New York, Guilford Press.

Roberts, Albert, R., 2000. Crisis Intervention Handbook: Assessment, Treatment, and Research, 2nd Ed. New York: Oxford University Press.

Fiorini, J and Mullen, J., Understanding Grief and Loss in Children, Found at The American Counseling Association website: www.counseling.org/Resources/Library/VISTAS/ accessed on 30 August, 2011.

National Institute of Mental Health, Helping Children and Adolescents Cope with Violence and Disasters: What Rescue Workers Can Do, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/helping-children-and-adolescents-cope-with-violence-and-disasters-rescue-workers/complete-index.shtml accessed on 30 August, 2011.

Making Sense of Your Child's Grief, Part 3: Creating a Safe Environment

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

Without safety, vulnerability is difficult. For both children and adults to truly grieve, they need to feel freedom to express the emotions that attend pain. Let's take a moment and think about what safety is. A secure child does not fear external threats because there is a strong defensive wall outside of them ensuring their protection. Safety is environmental in nature. When we lose something or someone we value, we experience a loss of personal security and control. Our world is invaded and forever changed. In response to this, it is not uncommon for children to build a wall for themselves to protect their emotions. By doing this, they are trying to take back the control they had in their lives that was taken from them. No longer will they allow anything to hurt them.

Parents have a tremendous opportunity to free their children from having to build their own protective walls. An immediate step in building this safe atmosphere is being a safe resource figure. Parents exemplifying a sense of peace, calmness and hope provide a solid foundation for a grieving child. Respect their need for privacy by not forcing by not forcing them talk about what is going on. Is it okay for them to be sad? We cannot force another person to feel happy. Our heads and hearts can be in two different places. We want to feel joy, but our hearts are not there during grief. Allowing others to be where they are emotionally lets them know that they are free to feel the sadness that is there and let down their defenses when they feel safe. Being forced to speak about their experiences can increase defensiveness, but just being present with them in the midst of their suffering assures them that you know they are hurting and that their pain matters. When the environment feels safe to them, children will often open up, but it may take time and that's okay.

If possible, minimize additional stressors for them. The more things that we have to deal with the greater the difficulty there is in dealing with each one. Also, the more you are able to establish a routine at home, the more predictable and secure life becomes for children. Children thrive in an environment of structure and consistency. Some may try to give a false sense of security to their child by telling half-truths about what happened or by making promises that are impossible to guarantee keeping. Saying “everything will be okay,” or “it will all turn out for the best,” may or may not be true. While the intentions are good (it usually is aimed at bringing happiness to the one in suffering), the security ends up being false, and it tends to belittle the grief. However, the most difficult aspect of providing security for children may come when a parent is suffering from a loss also or are undergoing significant life stressors themselves.

Making Sense of Your Child's Grief, Part 2: Does My Child Need to Grieve?

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT


What constitutes a loss is different for each individual since we are created with individual desires and interests.  Not only hard times, but even what seem to be happy life events can be losses for children.   Life changes of any sort are stressful and may be processed by a child as a loss of normalcy.  Beginning school, moving into a new larger home, divorce, the death of loved one or pet, the addition of a younger sibling, a new job for mom or dad; all of these can pose a threat to stability and safety for a child.  When we experience loss, whether young or old, we are forced to accept things that lie beyond our own control.  Getting to that place of acceptance is the difficult part.  Grief is a God-given means of coping with things that we cannot change.  It reinforces our helplessness as we are confronted by our own humanity.  The difficult process of grieving, though, is actually necessary for healing to take place.

Many have identified the stages of grief as 1) denial 2) bargaining 3) anger 4) depression 5) acceptance.  Children may experience grief differently in conjunction with their developmental stage.  Because they often lack a framework to understand why they are experiencing these emotions, children try to make the incomprehensible understandable within their existing cognitive framework.  They may think that something is wrong with them for feeling the way they do, or try to accept blame for the loss as though it were their fault.  “If only I had said or done things differently, then things wouldn't have turned out this way.”  In addition, children may try to suppress their emotions because of the discomfort of them, yet what often follows is a spectrum of coping unhealthy mechanisms: outbursts of anger, decreased participation in activities, loss of focus in school, isolation, substance abuse, defiance, or harm to self and others.  Children need to know that it is okay to feel sadness, anger and the entire tangled web of emotions that arise from loss, and that it is important to understand and have good outlets for those emotions.  Normalizing emotions for a child who needs to grieve can help to reduce the shame often associated with grieving.  Children take grieving cues from the adults around them.  When a loss is a family felt issue, modeling grieving for your children can help them to accept and understand the emotions that they are feeling.  Talking through the difficult situations in life openly, as a family, with the goal of understanding one another's emotional pain allows pain to be shared and healing to take place.  A safe environment is essential for grieving to take place.  The task for the parent becomes: how can I make my home a safe place for emotions?

Making Sense of Your Child's Grief, Part 1

by Chris Shaw, MAMFT

The stoics of ancient Greece attempted to brace themselves from all suffering. They taught that emotions must be overcome by accepting whatever happens in life. Peace and happiness are found in taking whatever life gives you, whether good or bad, with indifference. We have learned through time that repression of emotions is an unhealthy means of coping with pain, yet too often this stoic attitude shows up in our own culture today, praising fortitude in the face of hardship while belittling  weakness.

In an ideal world, there would be no sadness, anger, pain or loss. Suffering, though is the horrible reality that we all share in. The nature of grief is such that no two people exhibit the exact same range of symptoms when handling crises. Children who experience situations which are beyond their control, often respond in a different manner than adults. Several variables which play a role in the child's grief response include:

• intensity of the experience
• duration of the experience
• age of the child
• personality and uniqueness of the child
• responses of adults around them to the situation

  

From a very young age children can have experiential memories embedded in their minds. These recurring images can produce lasting noticeable effects in their behavior. Others, however, may display little or no noticeable difference in the aftermath of a traumatic event or loss. Still others may initially show no signs, but only months later may exhibit symptoms. Such a wide range of responses can often leave a parent wondering: “What is going on with my child?” Especially in situations of delayed grief, it is much harder to pinpoint the cause of emotional distress.

Grief is a process and manifests itself as a range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors. The younger the child, the less likely they will be to cognitively grasp the reality of a situation. It is important for parents to realize that their children see the world through a different set of eyes. Children do not inherently know how to respond to grief, thus parents can help their children by maintaining curiosity about how their specific child sees the world and showing active interest in the things they value.

 

Because children have fewer emotional categories from which to operate, when difficult circumstances arise, they lack the ability to fully process what is taking place not only with external events, but also within their internal self. This inability to process can result in emotional frustrations and behavioral changes as a child loses a sense of control through the experience of loss. Parents can help their children by explicitly affirming those losses that their child experiences, rather than avoiding or minimizing their child's pain. Parents can also help to normalize grief for their child by showing genuine value for their loss. Moving away from stoicism to embracing and understanding human emotions helps us to in guiding children to make sense of their world and recover from their loss.

ADHD Resources

by Emily Suggs, LPC

In conclusion of this month’s blog on ADHD, the following books and websites have been provided as resources for families and professionals.

Books

Taking Charge of ADHD by Russell Barkley

ADHD and the Nature of Self-Control by Russell Barkley

Simon Says Pay Attention: Help for Children with ADHD by Daniel Yeager

ADHD: What Every Parent Needs to Know by Michael Reiff

Websites

www.ADHDSupport.com

www.chadd.org

www.add.org

www.addwarehouse.com (list of books and videos)

www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com (behavior management, behavior charts, and chore charts)

www.myadhd.com

OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES:

• To help your child with homework organization, go to www.ADHDSupport.com/homework and download the Homework Planner PDF.
• Looking for a support program, go to www.ADHDSupport.com/join to enroll in free ADHD email support program.
• Do you think your child may have ADHD? Schedule an appointment with your doctor or a therapist. To help clarify concerns, complete the Child Symptom Checklist at www.ADHDSupport.com/child and share with your doctor/therapist.

Discipline and ADHD

by Emily Suggs, LPC

“Fathers, do not exasperate, but bring them up in the training and teaching of the Lord.” Eph. 6:4

Last week I shared the roles parents play in the life of their child with ADHD. This week let’s discuss discipline. There are different viewpoints on how children should be disciplined.  This blog is not a debate regarding which form of discipline is correct; rather, it is focused on understanding how to distinguish normal childhood misbehavior from ADHD symptoms.

When working with parents whose child has been diagnosed with ADHD, the most common questions I receive have to do with discipline. Discipline is a true balancing act when it comes to children with ADHD. It is often difficult for parents to know the best means of discipline as well as what behaviors to discipline. To help distinguish misbehavior from ADHD symptoms, I am going to take a moment to share about misbehavior. Rudolph Dreikurs, a child psychiatrist, proposed that children misbehave for four reasons: 1) to gain attention, 2) to gain power and control, 3) to gain revenge, and 4) to display feelings of inadequacy.  Misbehavior is a normal part of childhood development. Children are learning which behaviors are acceptable and which behaviors are not.

When thinking about what behaviors to discipline, it is important to distinguish between ADHD symptoms and misbehavior.  Often parents feel guilty when they discipline their child for behaviors that are truly connected to ADHD, such as hyperactivity, poor attention span, and impulsive behavior. Misbehaviors that generally fall outside the realm of ADHD symptoms are behaviors such as defiance towards authority, disrespect, anger outburst, and manipulative/testing tactics. Although these behaviors can be a result of a child’s emotions or frustrations in dealing with the symptoms of ADHD, sometimes their misbehavior is trying to accomplish one of the four goals mentioned previously.  Often it is next to impossible to determine ADHD behaviors from misbehavior. When trying to determine what is taking place, analyze the goal your child was trying to accomplish. Was he trying to get revenge on his brother or was it an impulsive decision, or was it both? Once the purpose of the misbehavior is determined, then parents will know better how to discipline.

If the purpose of your child’s behavior is due to one of the goals of misbehavior, then it is important to address how you can teach them better ways to accomplish these goals.  Setting limits and following through with discipline is essential. Children with ADHD quickly learn what they can and cannot get by with when it comes to misbehavior.  John’s mom tells him to go to his room, put on his pajamas, and get in bed. Thirty minutes later John has done none of these three. John’s mom is furious….but what is John’s misbehavior due to? The more John’s mom understands about misbehavior and the symptoms of ADHD then she will be able to determine a solution to such a problem.  Children usually cannot communicate the purpose or goal of their behavior. However the more you learn about how ADHD affects your child’s behavior, the more effectively you will be able to discipline. Children with ADHD have difficulty following multiple tasks (go to room, put on pajamas, and get in bed), staying on task, not getting side-tracked, and completing more than one task at a time. But if John shares his purpose was because he did not want to go to bed then you are dealing with misbehavior (power/control). It is also important to know the personality of your child. If your child is strong-willed then you may have a harder time distinguishing between ADHD symptoms and misbehavior. But if your child is normally cooperative but easily gets side tracked or has trouble completing task, then you know his true intention is not to misbehave.

Because a child with ADHD already struggles with low self-esteem, it is important to handle discipline in a respectful manner.  Embarrassing your child by disciplining them in a public sector only increases the internal struggle they face. It is also hurtful to discuss your child’s misbehavior in front of them with others like teachers, therapists, doctors, or family. Children have reported they feel shamed and embarrassed when parents communicate in this manner.  However it is necessary to be consistent with discipline and to follow through with discipline strategies. Otherwise it is only an empty threat and behaviors will usually increase.  Establish a routine of what is expected when in public situations, such as the grocery store or a restaurant and the consequences following if misbehavior becomes a problem.  Be realistic about what to expect when in specific situations. Children with ADHD can become over stimulated by loud noises, bright colors, upbeat music, and large crowds. When taking your child to an environment that includes one or all of these, be realistic about what you can expect from your child. The same is true with environments that require your child’s undivided attention.  When at home, establish rules and guidelines regarding your expectations. Use strategies to like discussed in week 2 to help your child complete tasks in a timely manner as well as to hold them accountable for staying on task. Bedtime is a difficult time. Allow extra time to help your child wind down and relax at bedtime. Use books, music, or talk time to help them slow down their little brains.

Addressing Misbehavior:

1. Gaining Attention: Ignore attention seeking behaviors and direct your child to alternative ways of gaining positive attention. Children with ADHD sometimes struggle with social situations. They have trouble reading social cues and respecting personal boundaries/space. In social situations, your child might resort to misbehavior (also known as “the class clown”) to get attention and acceptance from peers. Equip your child with positive ways to make friends and get accepted by peers.
2. Gaining Power and Control: Avoid power struggles! We have all heard the statement “pick your battles wisely.” When addressing power and control issues, be very wise, especially since conflict can easily escalate and in the end who usually ends up angry and agitated- the parent! There are multiple reasons children attempt to gain power and control, but in the end, the key is to not allow them to pull you in a power struggle.
   
3. Revenge: At the root of revenge is hurt. Like power and control, do not engage in a battle that will end only end in anger and frustration. Even though children with ADHD tend to get in trouble over and over for the same behaviors, it does not change the fact that they are very sensitive to criticism. This hurt can lead to them acting out to get revenge.
4. Inadequacy or Helplessness: Children with ADHD have shared with me that they feel different than their peers because the symptoms keep them in trouble. They know when teachers and parents are frustrated because they cannot complete their school work or stop talking during class. Due to these feelings, children feel discouraged or helpless. Children with ADHD need lots of encouragement and empowering to accomplish tasks.

The best way to discipline is to be proactive. If you establish guidelines and communicate these clearly, it will address not only the misbehavior but also the ADHD symptoms that often frustrate parents. Unfortunately there is not a magic solution to solving the discipline dilemma when it comes to ADHD. It takes patience, understanding, and consistency to help alleviate behaviors that can easily get out of control. The following are some guidelines to establish in your home.

1. Provide Consistency and Structure: Keep things simple and do not over explain. Children with ADHD find arguing stimulating therefore they will thrive when you try to engage in an argument or to explain reasoning.  A great discipline approach for children with ADHD is 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. He addresses this very issue and gives clear approaches to addressing misbehavior.
2. Establish Clear Standards and Rules: Parents who have children with ADHD often let them get away with misbehavior because they think they cannot control it. This is not true. Let your “No” mean no and your “Yes” mean yes.  If they think they can persuade you otherwise, they will continue to badger you.
3. Have High Expectations: This means you as the parent have to work harder to equip your child to be prepared for whatever challenge comes their way. This does not mean you give up on what your child can accomplish because they have been diagnosed ADHD.
4. Teach Your Child to Behave: Positive reinforcement teaches positive behaviors. Children with ADHD have to worker harder to learn impulse and self control. It will not happen overnight, but if they are taught right from wrong then as they mature they will learn to be successful in life.

ADHD: What Every Parent Needs to Know by Michael Reiff, MD

“Making Child Therapy Work” by Robin Walker, MFT

“Training Lions and Tigers: Discipline and Children with Disabilities” by Pete Wright, Esq.